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Old 10-08-2013, 04:03 AM
Belle Belle is offline
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Default Pregnancy

I think mostly what I'm looking for is an outlet - this isn't necessarily something that's appropriate for Facebook or even Fetlife. It's not something I can discuss with my friends (yet) or my family (ever). Anywhere else, I'd be judged on my poly status - I am sure most folks here would agree about that.

I am in very early pregnancy despite being very careful with birth control. My husband and (now)ex-boyfriend had been with me for years, we'd never had an accident prior and we were fluid-bonded - we did not have "relations" with people outside of our triad. The pregnancy is a shock, to say the least, and the timing puts me reliably as carrying my ex-boyfriend's child. According to my OBGYN - it's likely that some antibiotics we were all taking for a MRSA infection we'd been spreading to one another for months (yes, it sucked) nullified my birth control just long enough. (I didn't know that could happen - women everywhere, please take note).

I am in my early 30's - married with two beautiful children, and a (until recently) live-in boyfriend who to all outsiders was our roommate only. We have since broken up because he was quite aghast at my initial choice to terminate the pregnancy. I found his reaction to be selfish considering the impact on his life (older, single, no living family) would be minimal compared to mine. Whatever I decide, I'm pretty sure the last thing I need is somebody who would put their own selfish wants for rainbows and unicorns over my own selfish wants and needs for peace and harmony in my world.

Both my husband and my ex-boyfriend prefer adoption over abortion and parenting has been ruled out completely because 1) my ex-boyfriend's financial situation is quite dire - he can contribute nothing and as he's already in his mid-40's, that's not likely to change much, 2) my husband understandably would rather not support a child that does not come from his body and 3) the backlash from our extremely large families would be... quite severe.

To be clear, if I chose abortion, my husband would be 100% supportive of me and that decision given the circumstances.

I wouldn't mind adoption because there are families (especially same-sex couples) who would love the child as a blessing (not a curse). The problem is, I'd still have to explain a pregnancy (and the adoption) to my friends and family. This baby would be born sometime in April 2013 and there's the holidays between now and then - impossible. I hate lying. I mind not offering information about my lifestyle to others a whole lot less than outright lying. Lying always blows up in my face.

I do care about my family. I was raised in a group home and only recently has my family healed and felt very normal and healthy - especially when I married and his wonderful family took me in and it's so damn important to me that I don't disappoint them. That may be hard to understand given my age and that I've got children of my own - but I didn't have a family growing up and now I do and I don't want to blow it.

Abortion is difficult for me. I've had one before -and I was a wreck afterwards. I've already canceled two appointments, just options counseling... just because I'm so terrified of Planned Parenthood. I'm not even religious and I don't judge others for doing it.. I just have a really hard time with the choice for myself.

So thank you for having a forum where I can express my situation and my fears. It does help me feel a little better even if I know there is no decision that won't have lasting consequences for everybody involved. It is really nice to talk about it, strangers or not.

Thanks for listening,
Belle
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  #2  
Old 10-08-2013, 06:21 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default I hate it when caring makes life harder on people

and it sucks to see someone struggle with such dilemmas when you are just trying to do the right and responsible thing. The way that would cause by far the least complications is to have the abortion, and you sound like an intelligent woman so I don't feel like I need to point out that ultimately it is all your choice and not the choice of the person who is the biological father.

You already know that you cannot raise a child with the ex-boyfriend being involved, so your only option other than abortion is to carry to term and adopt, which is by far one of the most selfless acts and greatest gift a person can give a childless family

mothers are truly are saints, and whatever you decide will work out best for you and your family's life, you are still a mother, and mothers are saints.

realistically what you will be facing if you choose adoption, you have two choices, and I am assuming your main concern is how your family from your husbands side is going to take it.

You could always lie and say that you agreed to be a surrogate mother for the family who will be adopting, and everything should be OK as who could honestly be upset at such a generous and selfless act.

Or you trust them with the truth, as just from your one post and how much you value your family, I am confident that some, if not most or all of them will only see you as the motherly saint. I am not woman so I don't know but I can only imagine the courage it takes for women to carry a developing Fetus, birth a child and let another adopt the child. It truly is disgusting how societies tend to shame courageous women and it pisses me off that they are not praised. But anyway, if you trusted them with the truth, they sound like the type of people who would not act in terrible disgusting, judgmental ways as they sound more intelligent than that

More than likely, the problems you would face is them not understanding the child is not your husbands, in which case they won't want you to allow adoption, which is why the surrogate story may work.

Adoption will be much harder on you and your family, I hope you know that very few women would be able to do that, so you shouldn't feel any pressure to do that.

The worst part about those who would imply that the only right thing to do is adoption, would never be strong enough to do it themselves.

So maybe you should really only be asking yourself if you can be emotionally strong enough to lie to your family and say it was a planned surrogacy, which always has the possibility of the truth coming out, or else have the abortion

and honestly, even here in the United States we do not provide enough assistance to pregnant women to have the right to even begin asking her to carry and birth a child. People who do (try to make a woman feel they need to carry a developing child to birth) without being involved in making life easier for those women, are straight up assholes.

only you (and possibly your husband) will be able to make the right decision, so make sure that it is YOU who has ability to decide what is the Right thing to do.

I am so sorry you have to go through this, but you will make the right choice and you will make it through this.

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 10-08-2013 at 07:11 AM. Reason: typos
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Old 10-08-2013, 08:21 AM
london london is offline
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Why don't you ask the ex boyfriend (and I assume one of the potential fathers of the baby) if he wants to raise it alone? If he didn't want the pregnancy to be terminated, and you favour adoption over abortion, you could give him that option. You could tell people you decided to be a surrogate for him.
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Old 10-08-2013, 01:48 PM
Indygirl78 Indygirl78 is offline
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Is it possible that your husband could change his mind? There is definitely more to being a father than genetics. If he sees your body growing a changing with that precious baby inside you, how could he not start to feel love for a child. Think of all the children adopted or that are the result of inseminations with donor sperm, those fathers love those babies though they are not biologically theirs. Plus, there is also the chance that biologically it could be his child. Dates could be off and even early ultrasounds can be off by days. Would you consider doing a CVS to determine paternity prior to making any decisions?

In the meantime I would research adoption, but remember that it is still very early in a surprise pregnancy (a not everyone is excited about a surprise pregnancy even under more conventional situations) and he may still be processing his feelings. If I were you I wouldn't necessarily choose the abortion route because ultimately this is your child and your body, and no one should pressure you into a situation that could potentially cause you emotional pain or regret in the future.

I wish I had some sort of answers for you. Just think long and hard what you want and ask your husband to do the same. Make the best decision for yourselves as individuals and as a couple.
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Old 10-08-2013, 02:46 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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I agree with Indygirl, tbh I think your husbands attitude is a bit cruel, especially in light of your terror towards PP and the aftermath of an abortion. This might not be his child, but it is YOUR child and he loves you doesn't he?

I have a baby, alone as it happened, best thing I have ever done, she is amazing and I wouldn't let any man tell me what I can and cannot do with my own body.
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Old 10-08-2013, 03:21 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Sigh... 2 stubborn men! And you're the one who has to suffer all the nausea and weight gain and discomfort of being huge. Not to mention emotions around your changing shape, during and post partum. Emotions around giving the child you carried up for adoption. Both guys need to develop a little compassion here. After all, your h agreed to being fluid bonded and the risks involved there. He bears equal responsibility for not knowing antibiotics can cause BCPs not to work!


Sheesh.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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Old 10-08-2013, 06:16 PM
Belle Belle is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dirtclustit View Post
and it sucks to see someone struggle with such dilemmas when you are just trying to do the right and responsible thing.
Oh, tell me about it.

First of all, it's difficult to convey all the information people need to give informed, relevant advice. That is why I wrote this as an outlet more so than request for feedback. I would need a novella to even begin to explain things.

I'll say this much though: Parenting is not an option. We lost 40% of our income a few months ago and just keeping our lives normal for our children (not changing schools, not pulling them out of extra-curriculars, etc) is keeping us precariously on the edge of poverty. Not just that, but we had been supporting my ex-boyfriend for quite a while... and continue to help him with expenses though it puts us a pretty bad situation. Further, I'm in grad school with three semesters remaining and knowing that if I leave now I'm in deep doo-doo when I return. If I return.

Speaking of my ex - gosh, I really don't want to bash him - but giving him a child to raise would be like proving I didn't love the child and didn't care what happened to it - and oh, I do. You read "Peter Pan" to your kids, you don't give your kids to Peter Pan. Minecraft, a dead-end retail job, cartoons, junk food and masturbation are the taglines for my ex's whole life since I asked him to leave. I wasn't his girlfriend - I was his mommy. He agrees that he probably shouldn't be responsible for anything that lives, breathes and needs attention. I am proud of him for at least being that mature.

If the situation was ideal and I was able to financially support another child, I'd still have my ex's rights terminated and give him superficial input into any major decisions - trust me when I say that's best - and when I said as much to him, he agreed. I do love him and value his contribution to my life - but he isn't a fit parent and nobody who knows him would contest that. As my ex, I can practically read his mind and I know that the first thought that crossed his wasn't life sprung from his glorious seed - it was child support, from my hand to his. And that, ain't gonna happen.

As for my husband - I expect honesty in my relationships. Almost nobody would be thrilled about an addition to the family not of their body. Naturally, babies are wonderful and after the birth would probably turn hearts - I know I could accept my sister's children as my own without skipping a beat - if I had to. No matter where I swayed on this, my husband has been positive and supportive. If I wanted to keep this baby, he would make it work. However, we both know our financial situation would take a hard hit and that adoption would give the child the best chance. A selfish man would insist on abortion as the easiest way to erase the situation as soon as possible. My husband isn't perfect, but I am full of love for him even more just because of the way he's handled this... he told me last night that he's willing to "come out" to his family so that I do not have to go through an abortion. This week has been full of surprises.

We haven't made a decision yet but we will eventually and then we'll live with the consequences. Thank you for your input so far. It's obvious this is a very caring and open community.

Pseudo Hugs,
Belle
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Old 10-08-2013, 06:26 PM
Belle Belle is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
Why don't you ask the ex boyfriend (and I assume one of the potential fathers of the baby) if he wants to raise it alone? If he didn't want the pregnancy to be terminated, and you favour adoption over abortion, you could give him that option. You could tell people you decided to be a surrogate for him.
There's no "possible" about the father of the baby. My ex is the father. Change the timing by a week or by a month or three months - and it's either my ex or it's an immaculate conception.

If I told his friends that I decided to be a surrogate for him, I'm sure they'd object regardless of their feelings for him as a friend. Then maybe they'd have me committed.
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  #9  
Old 10-08-2013, 07:50 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I don't know why you need to come out as poly to anyone to explain either terminating or going for adoption. Your financial and educational state is excuse enough!

And of course you misspoke when you said, " Almost nobody would be thrilled about an addition to the family not of their body." Thousands of infertile people would be. I can think of other men who would be happy to raise any child of their metamours if need be.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #10  
Old 10-08-2013, 08:28 PM
Belle Belle is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
I can think of other men who would be happy to raise any child of their metamours if need be.
"Would, if need be" is quite different than truly having no preference between spending energy and resources on your biological offspring and picking up the slack for others.

I wouldn't. Not if I didn't have to. Babysit? Transport? Christmas gifts? Sure. Pay for clothes, childcare, college? NFW. I know a guy who raises babies his wife has with other men....they live in squalor. Half of them don't even have shoes. So sure, they're out there but they are rare and not necessarily all looking out for the best interests of the children.

Would these guys get a second job to raise children who aren't theirs, born after the primary relationship is established? I'd be shocked. If so, they need medals and a spot on The Today Show.
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