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  #1  
Old 10-06-2013, 07:10 PM
SupaKoopaTroopa SupaKoopaTroopa is offline
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Default Helping a primary get through a break up?

Hello! My primary's secondary just ended their relationship, and he is having a hard time dealing with it. He's mentioned that he's afraid this would affect how he felt about me continuing my secondary relationship, and that comment made me a bit nervous. Does anyone have any advice for this kind of situation? I'd like to not only help him through the breakup, but I would also like to openly communicate that it wouldn't be fair for him to take his hurt out on me and my secondary. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

-C.Marie
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  #2  
Old 10-06-2013, 08:12 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Default Titles?

Sorry, but while I get some people like the terms "primary" and "secondary," can we please not talk about secondaries as if they were some sort of pet? "Me and my secondary".....perhaps using that person's name, or "girlfriend" or "boyfriend"? It seems somehow so much more humanizing....
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Old 10-06-2013, 08:25 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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My first suggestion is to focus on helping him with managing his pain. Saying he fears his emotions and the consequences of the potential actions he may choose is reasonable.
OFTEN times one needs to get the "OMG I'm afraid I'm going to do something really stupid" emotions off our chest and who better to confide in than our most trusted partners or friends.

I wouldn't focus on "dude, that would be unfair" unless it actually comes up as a "I think I want this" topic.

I know for me-one of the things that really helps me to manage my anxiety (which is a little different) is to be able to express fear of what I may feel I need to do if the anxiety gets worse. If I can express that fear-sometimes that alone releases it. Always it reduces the power of the anxiety.
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Old 10-06-2013, 08:35 PM
Jcon Jcon is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
Sorry, but while I get some people like the terms "primary" and "secondary," can we please not talk about secondaries as if they were some sort of pet? "Me and my secondary".....perhaps using that person's name, or "girlfriend" or "boyfriend"? It seems somehow so much more humanizing....
Isn't that a matter of opinion? I mean I feel it's less humanizing when I'm referred to as my girlfriend's boyfriend in the context of conversation. Titles are titles. You either use the person's name or their relative title. Boyfriend, girlfriend, brother, sister, mother, lover, primary, secondary... All title's, and none of them actually need to be used at all when discussing the person in question... unless to specifically establish context. I could be talking about my friend john, or my brother john. Yet, we use the titles exclusively all the time. I might start a conversation "My brother...", even to people who know him and I could otherwise just use the name John. But we all do it. Koopatroopa's secondary is exactly that; their secondary. Just like your lover is exactly that; your lover. As far as I've read, the only implication being made that a secondary is a lesser thing in this case is from you.


SKT - My advice would be to talk. If I were to guess, your primary was only talking about the fact that they may experience a bit of jealousy or resentment over the fact that between the two of you, he is now the "single" one - he just got dumped - while you still have your other. I'd say this is no different than two single friends, where one get's a girlfriend, while the other WANTs a girlfriend. The circumstance doesn't make them less friends - but it might make the single one annoyed by his buddies relationship just because of him feeling loneliness. It's pretty common.

Obviously it would be unfair in a negotiated poly setup for him to ask your relationship to cease since his did. That isn't your fault. So just talk it out, and maybe talk it out with your secondary as well, and suggest that you make a little bit more time for your primary while he copes with the current situation - since feelings of loneliness and potential jealousy will be greater than they usually are for him.
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Old 10-06-2013, 09:32 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Default Hmmmm

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jcon View Post
Isn't that a matter of opinion? I mean I feel it's less humanizing when I'm referred to as my girlfriend's boyfriend in the context of conversation.
Fair enough. There was just something about the phrasing...but it was probably just me.
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  #6  
Old 10-06-2013, 10:09 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default that would be worrisome

as what he is essentially saying is he might not be poly compatible as he may not be able to handle his partner or himself having more than one friendship that includes sexual interactions.

That kind of talk without including words to convey that the breakup is really affecting him because he caught himself experiencing completely unnecessary jealousy, which he knows can ruin relationships unless it is rationally addressed, and so he just needs to take a deep breathe

There is absolutely nothing wrong with not being able to be in poly relationships, in full disclosure many days the attitudes that seem specific to "poly" people piss me off much more than "mono" people as often the level of intrusion into private life seems much more acceptable to those who identify being of the poly persuasion

so I have respect for monos the same as I do for poly people, but a person who doesn't have issues with non-monogamy only when they are the ones that have more than one person they engage is sex acts with I begin to have trouble holding onto respect for them. As it is a warning sign that they are not mature enough to act like an adult or else they do not know themselves well enough to make their own decisions without their choices clearly showing a lack of respect for you.

It becomes increasingly hard to respect yourself when the people you spend time with do not respect you. In fact unless you are a prisoner, it is impossible to not loss respect for yourself when you are around those who do not respect you as choosing to continue relationships wherein you are not respected is the same thing as telling yourself directly that you are not a person who deserves to be respected.

Eventually you will believe those lies, and if you believe them for long enough period of time they will unfortunately become a true reality of your life

all emotions and feelings are valid, but paying attention and being aware is necessary so that you do not inadvertently let your emotions present themselves in manipulative ways because if you do it will only cause misery and unnecessary pain and suffering which is only enjoyed by very specific sadists and only when coupled with just the right masochist.
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Old 10-07-2013, 01:37 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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If you do an Advanced Search or Tag search here for the words "breakup," "break up," "break-up," or "break-ups," and so on, you will find a ton of threads with similar stories and lots of helpful advice!
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