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Old 10-11-2013, 11:29 PM
wallabytron wallabytron is offline
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Unhappy State of the union: marriage or... other?

I've been a lurker on here for over a year and wanted first to say thanks for all the great and honest content, it's been a terrific resource.

My wife and I opened our marriage of 6+ years back in March and so far the whole experience has been a roller coaster of emotions culminating into what's going on today. It's not been bad, per se, but definitely not what we've expected.

Long story short, we were raised very religious and only in the last two years or so have we broken away from that. By religious I mean I almost became and pastor and we both worked at churches; a lot has changed.

We have a great marriage and get along very well, we've never really had any issues and we're both very upfront and honest. When we first opened up our relationship everything was going great, I was meeting people (though no one who really wanted a relationship) and she was having a good time talking to a older coworker who lived abroad. That was a few months ago.

Today, she and him have an ongoing relationship. He's back in town and they hang out a few times a week and she sleeps over there one night a week. It's been rough at times but I haven't been too terrible about any insecurities or loneliness I've had, but I have "changed" as she puts it. We're both attractive and have no problems talking to new people, it's just not the same being a married guy looking for a girlfriend. I read this over and over before we started being poly, only half believing it, but I've found that the odds are very much against me finding someone to date as a married poly guy. It's not my wife's fault, men tend to overlook relational commitments far more than women do (it seems) but I'm finding it hard to not get down—not because she's with someone, but because I can't seem to find... anyone.

In most of my circles more than a few people know that I'm married and mention my wife in casual conversation. I find this extremely challenging as it seems to ruin my chances of meeting new people when I'm out, I'm always spoken of as "taken" and it's hard not to appear the sleazeball acting otherwise. Online, mainly OKC, I tend to run into the same problem, no women really want to get involved with a married guy. I understand this, and I've read enough on here to know that I should be looking for poly folks but there's only a few of them and I'm not interested in any of them—I'm sure I can't be the only one.

So, where I am today is wondering if living as a single poly person, no longer sharing a house together and living separately but still having a relationship is something anyone else has done? I don't want to bring dates back to the house we share and I'm finding that showing up at bars with friends as the "married guy" just isn't practical in meeting people.

Maybe I'm jumping the shark here, but I'm just not finding polyamory any fun when I feel more cuckolded than free to be an individual. Any thoughts?
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Old 10-12-2013, 12:38 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wallabytron View Post
I've read enough on here to know that I should be looking for poly folks but there's only a few of them and I'm not interested in any of them—I'm sure I can't be the only one.
Dating is an entirely different monster for men and women. This is an axiom of reality. This is true if you are a married poly person or a single "dude" with a six pack and a non-stop monster erection. It's a different ballgame entirely, no matter how you look at it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by wallabytron View Post
Maybe I'm jumping the shark here, but I'm just not finding polyamory any fun when I feel more cuckolded than free to be an individual. Any thoughts?
Your lack of success in dating doesn't change you into a cuckold. A cuckold isn't allowed to date while his wife goes out scoring with "dudes". Conflating one thing with the other is just pouting.

Personally I am polyamorous because I won't be in a relationship where I'm not "allowed" to do what I want with my body, time, and emotions. It isn't about how many babes I score with or how successful I am in the dating game. Granted, my attempts to date are generally met with frustration but that is due to my lack of willingness to put the effort into changing my circumstances.

Meeting people we are attracted to who happen to have the rare worldview you have is difficult... there's no reason it shouldn't be.
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Old 10-12-2013, 12:42 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Wallaby.. Murf, my boyfriend, says saying is hell when you're single too.
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Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
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Old 10-12-2013, 12:48 AM
wallabytron wallabytron is offline
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Thanks for the reply and the comments Marcus & Dagferi, I appreciate your input!

Marcus-
You're right, dating is completely different for men and women and it's silly to imagine it otherwise. I suppose I had simply forgotten, or not been as privy to the other side's experience, what things were/are like.

Yes, I suppose I was conflating terms. We ultimately decided to be poly for that reason, we didn't want to tell each other what to do with our bodies. I suppose the compounded difficulty was more unexpected than I'd first thought.

Dagferi-
What gets me down the most isn't the challenge, though it sucks, but the repeated turn downs. Getting all the right signals and even conversations until the married card gets played and then: silence.
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Old 10-12-2013, 01:00 AM
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Murf says you get turned down too as a single guy. A lot of them.

He was turned because he rides a Harley, is into classic cars, works midnights, wasn't interested in marriage, doesn't drink, his height, his gotee, likes his alone time, didn't want to go out every weekend... He says he could go on and on.
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Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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Old 10-12-2013, 03:18 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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The thing with dating is-that there are going to be many more turn downs than acceptances regardless.
BUT-any time you add a minority attitude into the mix-the number of acceptances is going to decrease exponentially. That's just reality.

If only 2% of the population (I pulled that number out of my ass) is poly-and 1/2 of those are women (for the sake of conversation) you just dropped your odds to 1% of the population BEFORE taking into consideration the possible lesbian poly women AND any women not attracted to you personally.

That said-Maca (my husband) has expressed this frustration also. The kicker I notice when he does so (which has resulted in many a lengthy conversation) is his idea that men are a dime a dozen for women to choose from.
I disagree.

Yep. I disagree.

Sleezy men are a dime a dozen.
Attractive to ME men are NOT a dime a dozen. In fact-in our poly life-he's dated 4 women and I have dated ONE man besides him. One. I have encountered MANY men who were interested-none of them fit my specs for a date.

Furthermore-I've met MANY women who were interested (in him or me or both) and only ONE of them met my specs for consideration of me dating (he doesn't need my specs for him to date someone).

When he stops to consider how many men meet standards that would be acceptable for dating in his eyes (he's straight-but just considering obvious "flaws") he can't see that there are any guys in the poly circles we travel worth my time of day.
He has only found one lady worth his time of day and she moved away.

My point is-that just because you want to be open to dating others, doesn't mean anyone in your circle is actually a good match and if they aren't a good match-why bemoan not be able to date them?
If someone finds my "polyness" unacceptable-they aren't a good match. So I don't wish I could date them. I am thankful to have avoided the headache.

I also find, that the people I know, who have no issue finding others to date, aren't making sex a big deal or even dating a big deal. They are making it a big deal to socialize with other poly people in group settings and make friends. What they find is that by agreeing to go out and socialize with other poly's (even if they aren't "dating material" for them personally) allows them to meet MORE poly people who aren't "as out" that they would never have known were poly in the first place. THAT is where they find their matches.

So-even if you aren't interested in someone who is poly-by simply agreeing to go to poly friendly social events with them-you will increase your chances of meeting other like-minded people who DO interest you.
By continuing to socialize only in groups of single mono friends-you pretty much create a dead end for yourself.
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Old 10-12-2013, 03:37 AM
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I found Murf just going about my normal life. I wasn't looking for him.

I found a lot of men who would have been more than happy to have sex with me and make me a notch on their belt. Quality men are harder to come by. Ones that I deem worthy to allow into my life and are a match for me are even rarer.
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40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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Old 10-12-2013, 04:17 PM
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N has had luck making friends with people then letting things progress from there. he might just be online friends with someone he's interested in for months, then things naturally progress to a flirtation then plans are made. he does not bring people here, he goes to their house.
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Old 10-12-2013, 04:18 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
I found Murf just going about my normal life. I wasn't looking for him.
Yep, I met N 5 years ago because he messaged me on myspace and we got to talking.
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Old 10-12-2013, 10:02 PM
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Murasaki Murasaki is offline
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N has had luck making friends with people then letting things progress from there. he might just be online friends with someone he's interested in for months, then things naturally progress to a flirtation then plans are made. he does not bring people here, he goes to their house.
When does N inform the people he's meeting that he is married? Right out of the gate, or after genuine interest is expressed by the person he meet?

I tend to refer to Kuroi as my partner, sometimes as my life partner. I used to specifically say I was married, but I too have found this "married" label to be limiting. When I say I am partnered, that somehow doesn't seem like as much of an issue for others.
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Me - Murasaki - Bi/pan
LTR SO - Kuroi - Straight (broken up-not sure what we are now)
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In LTR of 20 years, married for 13 years to Kuroi
Didn't realize we had a poly type relationship in High school. Exploring poly again now that our Child is older.
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