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  #11  
Old 10-03-2013, 09:40 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Well, the key here is, when you date someone, is that someone just an "object" to you, or a person? If you're only dating them to "even the playing field" with your wife, then said date has been objectified. Do be careful not to fall into that pitfall. Date someone only if you are truly interested in them as a person, without any "ulterior motives." It's only fair to the person you're dating.
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  #12  
Old 10-03-2013, 11:40 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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It sounds like you're upset that your wife only recently revealed she's bi, she's had sex with women, and now that she's married to a guy who believed she was straight and mono, she's come out as actually bi and poly... Are you kind of reeling from all this new info?

Are you poly? Do you feel you are willing, able and eager to fall in love with another woman and still love your wife? If you're actually mono, chances are if you set your sights on another woman, you could fall out of love with your wife.

Just a warning from one who's been there, do not imagine that both of you falling in love and lust with the same woman, and her with you both, has much chance of happening. (Not saying you're thinking of hot 3somes, but so many people do, including me... and I got burnt. We all did.)
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  #13  
Old 10-06-2013, 02:17 PM
nostorinogt nostorinogt is offline
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I was not hurt when she came out as bisexual. I was only hurt when she said she needed to be with a woman also to make her happy. She has had a very screwed up past that has caused a big disconnect in her head. She does not connect sex with feelings. I don't know how far I trust that. She was suggesting a completely open marriage. I am the one suggesting basically a triad. My parents were swingers and I have dated bisexual women before but, this is the first time I have been this deep into something before things started to change.
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  #14  
Old 10-06-2013, 02:30 PM
nostorinogt nostorinogt is offline
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The thing I see as the problem with this is I have seen it ruin 2 long term marriages. She has only been involved with one woman in her life and that was someone she was friends with before the sex began. That relationship only lasted 2 years and it was done. I was friends with the same woman but knew nothing of their sexual relationship. I thought they were just friends. This other woman encouraged me to date my wife by telling me how good of a person she was. I would still consider her a friend.
I am wanting someone that can be there for both of us. I don't want this to be a one sided thing. There is enough love In this house to go around. We have our problems but we use them to make us stronger. This is a problem that can make us better people and make us love better.
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  #15  
Old 10-06-2013, 03:27 PM
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You are setting yourself and marriage for epic failure.

Find your own girlfriend.

http://davidlnoble.com/so-somebody-c...nicorn-hunter/
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  #16  
Old 10-06-2013, 11:18 PM
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I take it the kind of relationship you're looking for is yourself (a hetero) male, Amanda, and one other bisexual female with whom you and Amanda both have a romantic relationship. To wit, a triad, as any three-person unit with all three persons romantically involved with each other is called a triad.

The "problem" is that you're looking for a "unicorn triad." By that I mean, two bisexual females, and one heterosexual male, with one of the females being a "third," and the other being the man's primary partner. The man and woman who were together in the first place are the original couple and as such, get what we sometimes call "couple privelage." That means the woman who is a "newcomer" to the scene kind of gets second-class status compared to the original couple. She doesn't get to make the rules; she doesn't get a say in discussions about the rules. She just has to accept whatever the "primary couple" tells her.

From there, other problems crop up. The "third" -- the "unicorn" -- is often expected to be equally in love with both members of the original couple, and is "forbidden" to fall in love with anyone else outside the triad. Sometimes this "unicorn woman" is expected to do the chores, take care of the kids, etc. ... She is archtypically financially dependent on the original couple, which cements her obligations to them. Also, she might be treated like a "dirty little secret" who is not to be revealed to any of the original couple's family members, nor invited to any of their family functions. Stuff like that.

Obviously, such a set-up is doomed for disaster; it's just a matter of when. Definitely not saying this is how you and Amanda would treat your "third," but you'd be surprised how many couples do treat their third that way. What I am saying is, take precautions so that you don't inadvertently become "unicorn hunters." Have a good deal of flexibility toward whatever woman you meet. Maybe she'll only fall in love with one of you. Maybe she'll already have a (polyamorous) partner. Maybe she'll already have kids (with all the responsibility they entail). And so on. Just don't saddle her with expectations that she'll be the "perfect woman for you." The perfect woman doesn't exist; that's why we call her a unicorn.

Having said that: MFF triads do occur, and can certainly be successful and fair to all three persons (especially if all three get a fair and equal say in the family discussions and any rules that may result). So sure, be optimistic that a nicely-balanced MFF triad may be in your future. But be open-minded about the other possibilities as well. Just as Amanda's need for another woman was unexpected, so the solution to the problem may also take an entirely unexpected form. Which is okay, because it might actually be better than you had imagined.
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  #17  
Old 10-08-2013, 12:13 PM
nostorinogt nostorinogt is offline
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We are really in the discussion phase of this. The best solution might be a completely open marriage were we don't have any physical contact with the others secondary partner. We are just exploring this as a viable option. We would not expect this other person to bear any responsibility when it comes to our home life if they do not wish.
My wife has not been with a woman in almost 10 years and this could be something that turns out a disappointment for her. We are just trying to prepare ourselves for the future. I want my wife to eventually open up to her family but I know that will be a big battle for her. My family is more accepting of things like this. My parents were swingers for several years before they got divorced. Her family is heavily involved in church and are very judgmental of everything we do.
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  #18  
Old 10-08-2013, 01:35 PM
Indygirl78 Indygirl78 is offline
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I have to agree with the above poster. Prior to learning that your wife was bisexual did you have a desire to have an outside relationship? I am close friends with a couple (they are admittedly swingers) where this situation occurred. She wanted to open things up (with men and women), but he was content to be mono. They did the whole swingers scene for a couple years and when we saw them a couple if months ago she told me they were getting out of it because he had trouble meeting women. All I could think was how that was the result of him not actively desiring that life style. He went along with it, but more to please her.

Would you be comfortable letting her experiment with these feelings without you getting an outside lover? Are you interested in a possible triad with a woman that connects well with both of you? I think those are things to consider first rather than feeling that because she is doing it then you must also find someone.
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  #19  
Old 10-08-2013, 08:19 PM
nostorinogt nostorinogt is offline
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I cant stomach the thought of letting her go out on her own without at least having the option. She has told me what she wants and I think she is going to have a hard time finding it. We have talked about this and she does not want me to be at home with the kids by myself while she is out playing with someone else. I don't want this to happen either because I would resent her for that. It should be a level playing field. Part of this is her need for female companionship not just sex.
I have already decided that if we do this and she cannot find that right person then I would not do anything. I know that it would be a lot easier for me because I do not require friendship. She cannot just go out and find the first lesbian that she sees and hop into bed with her. She wants to find another woman in her same situation (married with kids).
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  #20  
Old 10-08-2013, 10:20 PM
Indygirl78 Indygirl78 is offline
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I can understand where you are coming from as far as not wanting to sit at home alone. My current situation leaves me with no room to judge anyone. I just wanted to throw a few things out there for you.

If I were you I would see how things go in her search before looking for someone outside the relationship. It sounds like she is looking for something fairly particular and even then finding someone meeting those criteria doesn't mean she will have a connection with her. Plus, if you search you may find someone that you might be surprised about having deep feelings for, and if that were to happen how would she feel if she is not finding what she is looking for? I have found that wanting one thing and actually achieving it are not nearly as simple as it seems in theory.

I wish you the best no matter what!
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