Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #81  
Old 10-31-2013, 10:02 PM
Vicarious Vicarious is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Vancouver Island, BC
Posts: 42
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Natja View Post
Because they are bringing other people into their unhealthy dynamic that is why. I couldn't care less what a couple do between themselves but she is advertising for an equal third partner after finding a V doesn't work for them, why didn't the V work I asked myself? So I read this thread, because she was jealous and felt left out.....their response? Find a flaming Unicorn. Yes that is a jolly good reason to be hard.

If it was stated in the advert that this might be entirely experimental on her part, I would not mind so much but it doesn't and what happens to the sparkly Golden Unicorn if she finds out that a) She can't love another person and B) That she is not Poly?

I think that is a very valid question to ask.
I can't speak for the OP'r, but my feeling around her situation is that her husband wanted to open up their monogamous relationship. She loves him and has struggled with her feelings around this new dynamic. She is asking why SHE is the one that needs to do all the emotional work to save their marriage, versus her husband that can easily slip into polyamory. So, she tries to explore some of her ideas/fantasies with bi-sexuality and making it all work (yes, with a unicorn).

So the struggling 'mono-wired' spouse is the one at fault? I see her doing more work (from what we've been presented) to find a solution than her partner here. He just gets what he wants and she is left struggling with her emotions around it.
Reply With Quote
  #82  
Old 10-31-2013, 10:33 PM
Natja's Avatar
Natja Natja is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 839
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vicarious View Post
He just gets what he wants and she is left struggling with her emotions around it.
Two wrongs don't make a right Vicarious, she had a hard time dealing with her husband being poly yes, but don't you see that it is easier for her to use a woman as a possible experiment and possibly hurt her, than hurt her husband by asking him to be monogamous? This nameless, faceless Unicorn is just a tool so she can avoid jealousy issues. It's not right.

And she is SO mistaken if she thinks a unicorn will solve that particular problem anyway....SO very mistaken.
Reply With Quote
  #83  
Old 10-31-2013, 11:07 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 8,655
Default

Re:
Quote:
"He just gets what he wants and she is left struggling with her emotions around it."
Which is still the case even if this "unicorn idea" works out. She's still the one that has put in all the emotional work to wrap her mind around it. (Not to speak of the work required by "the unicorn.") But it looks to me like he gets it pretty easy as long as he wants to be polyamorous, she wants to be monogamous, and yet she finds some way of accepting him being polyamorous.

The original question for this thread is, What's she getting out of it? and, Why would she put up with this? Does plugging a "hot bi babe" into the equation really answer those questions? I mean as it stands, tamlvscarl feels both monogamous and heterosexual. Leaving not much for her to look forward to except more hard emotional work at best.

I guess the resulting question is, Does one consider it worth it to make great sacrifices in order to keep one's husband, even if one's husband is the one who has it easy?
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #84  
Old 10-31-2013, 11:08 PM
Vicarious Vicarious is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Vancouver Island, BC
Posts: 42
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Natja View Post
Because they are bringing other people into their unhealthy dynamic that is why. I couldn't care less what a couple do between themselves but she is advertising for an equal third partner after finding a V doesn't work for them, why didn't the V work I asked myself? So I read this thread, because she was jealous and felt left out.....their response? Find a flaming Unicorn. Yes that is a jolly good reason to be hard.

If it was stated in the advert that this might be entirely experimental on her part, I would not mind so much but it doesn't and what happens to the sparkly Golden Unicorn if she finds out that a) She can't love another person and B) That she is not Poly?

I think that is a very valid question to ask.
Except this thread came about AFTER her looking for another woman.

And what of the adults making their own decisions based on open communication? Something like, "my husband and I are exploring polyamory, and I have some interest in women. I'd like to find a person as friends first, get some comfort, and take it from there?"

It's not that I don't understand what you are saying, it is just that I see her having a hard time with polyamory. Where is the support for her, instead of focusing on the 'unicorn' thing?
Reply With Quote
  #85  
Old 10-31-2013, 11:29 PM
Natja's Avatar
Natja Natja is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 839
Default

She had support and advice, she wasn't on this thread today updating it with details of the work she has been doing on making herself secure, she updated the Unicorn thread, that is how I found this thread today.

And of course I believe in communication but none of that is on her ad, the only mention of the past is
Quote:

It is really hard meeting anyone especially in our area. We were in a 3 year “V” relationship and after trying to see if we could make that into more it failed and ended badly
Was the 'more' trying to force a triad?

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
I mean as it stands, tamlvscarl feels both monogamous and heterosexual. Leaving not much for her to look forward to except more hard emotional work at best
How ethical is this for either woman? Will this even be disclosed to the Unicorn?

Last edited by Natja; 10-31-2013 at 11:33 PM. Reason: Addition
Reply With Quote
  #86  
Old 10-31-2013, 11:48 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 8,655
Default

Re:
Quote:
"How ethical is this for either woman?"
With full disclosure and mutual consent, I guess it's their call. But as you said ...

Re:
Quote:
"Will this even be disclosed to the Unicorn?"
No idea. Actually I'm confused because I thought tamlvscarl kind of gave up on the "unicorn idea," but now she's decided to maybe give it another go?
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #87  
Old 10-31-2013, 11:52 PM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,297
Default

Nope her ad is top of the thread list. Actually it is a new one.
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.
Reply With Quote
  #88  
Old 11-01-2013, 01:26 AM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 8,655
Default

A new one?? Wow ...
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #89  
Old 11-01-2013, 03:39 AM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

I don't think its any forum members job to be "hard" on people they disapprove of.
Reply With Quote
  #90  
Old 11-01-2013, 05:44 AM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 8,655
Default

Sorry, don't mean to be hard on the person, just was a little surprised/confused? Oh maybe I misunderstood, maybe it's not a whole new thread, just a new post. I can see that.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:50 AM.