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  #41  
Old 10-02-2013, 12:24 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Originally Posted by tamlvscarl View Post
... he is out mtg new people, having firsts all over again, making new memories while I am left out.
This sounds like you are describing "new relationship energy," NRE. If it's only been 3 years since your h started practicing polyamory, with one new partner, I am sure he had that infatuation stage big time for at least the first 2 years with her. Infatuation with her, and infatuation with finally practicing polyamory. If being poly was a long time desire of his, kept under wraps to protect your feelings and the marriage stability, now that he's actually doing it instead of just wanting it, it must be an incredible rush.

HOWEVER, that doesn't mean your feelings and needs don't matter! It's not right for you to just be left behind, doing mundane housework, taking the kids to their activities (how old are they?), sitting home in the evenings watching TV, while hubby is out wining and dining his gf, going on romantic dates... Heck, one time my ex-h came home from a date with his new gf in our early awkward days of being poly and said they'd gone to a bookstore and he was reading poetry out loud to her!!! When was the last time he'd read poetry to me?

Now, your h and his gf have broken up, despite his desire for 2 primaries, 2 households. He is eager to get back into the saddle of looking for the next Ms Right? And you're like, oh shit, here we go again.

Put on the brakes! Ask him to take a break from dating. Work on your own relationship for a while, set a time frame, 3 months, whatever YOU feel you need. Ask for what you want. More dates? More firsts? More memory making?

I asked for that from my ex, eventually. We started going on more dates. Weekend trips. Adventures to other states, towns, scenery. No, he didn't read me poetry (heh) but we went to music fests, we got hotel rooms, and as a result of all the new stimulation and time alone, we had tons and tons of sex, more than we'd ever had in our lives together (20+ years together at that point).

And/or maybe you want him to finish that household project. Or go to couples counseling with you. Or keep the kids while you go visit your sister for a week. Or tell you he loves you more. Or make you breakfast, or scrub the kitchen floor. YOU decide what makes you feel valued and loved.

(For me, all this wasn't enough. For reasons other than poly, we did break up, we'd grown apart, and it was just time.)



Quote:
It is easy for 2 poly people to understand and 2 poly people are also gtg attention elsewhere and gtg to experience new things and firsts all over again too. But if you are mono, yes you get your partner but you also have to share them and struggle through jealousy, insecurity, etc. with no outlet. He came out as poly to me almost 3 years ago and it still is not easy for me. But I do want to be with him and that's why I am still here.
You now have an outlet to talk about your jealousy and the fact that you've put your own needs aside for so long. You're here and venting. Once you feel you've vented enough (you determine how much you need to vent), Examine this: "What are my needs?" Do you even know?

Not, I need him to not be him, to suddenly become mono. But, I love him, he has to be himself, how do I get MY needs met for feeling loved and secure and entertained while he continues to be true to his poly self?

Once you feel your needs are fully met (some needs met by him, some needs met by yourself, some needs met by your platonic friends and family), you will be more able to develop compersion (happy to see him happy) out of the ashes of the jealousy you used to feel.

You just need to look at what your needs are, and go about getting them met. Backburnering your own needs for decades is not healthy. I know the Christian culture has told us to put our own needs last, but personally, I do not feel that is healthy. Everyone's feelings and needs matter, not just the need of your h to be poly.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

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miss pixi, F, 38
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  #42  
Old 10-02-2013, 12:28 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Does your spouse basically leave you alone to struggle with your feelings of poly hell?

Set his name aside for a moment...

If you were going to print this list of needs, what would you circle?

Galagirl
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  #43  
Old 10-02-2013, 05:40 PM
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drinnt drinnt is offline
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[QUOTE=kdt26417;234680]
Quote:
The second route, by the way, doesn't necessarily imply you doing all the work. There is a question of whether he can make any compromises (*short of abandoning polyamory altogether*) that would make it easier for you to emotionally accept the polyamory that he does practice. Better still, is there some kind of compromise he can make that would make you feel like you were actually getting something good out of the bargain? I pose this question to you because only you can know what would satisfy you. What would it take? Do you need him to spend (more) special date nights with you? go out less often? take (more) turns tending the kids so you can go out and have some fun (with friends or whatever)? something else? or is it just not gonna be good enough as long as he's seeing anyone else at all?
IF you are determined to stay with him...THIS is exactly perfect.
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  #44  
Old 10-03-2013, 02:04 AM
Icewraithonyx Icewraithonyx is offline
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Hello. I'm also a mono partner of a poly and I've honestly asked myself that same question. And like others have said, it's better to ask "Why am I in this relationship?", or even better "What do I need / want from my relationships and am I getting it?"

The bending for his benefit sounds like the Brave Little Toaster sydrome the Polyamorous Misantrope posted about on her blog. Short version, don't bend yourself for your partner in the HOPES of being happy later. If you can't be happy now, and there's no fix, may be time to gently move on. I understand with children involved, it's WAY easier said than done. But you have to make sure you don't succumb to emotional poisoning.
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  #45  
Old 10-04-2013, 05:46 PM
tamlvscarl tamlvscarl is offline
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Sorry it took me a few days to respond. To answer some of your questions, no my husband doesn't leave me to suffer in poly Hell alone, he does try to reassure me constantly. I have a hard time not being everything to him. And yes I know I can't possibly but it hurts and feels bad when it is with someone he wants to share his life with too. And no I do not sit home alone, I get out plenty, I have friends, I have family, I have interests in many things. It still bothers me when he is with someone else. I would be fine if he was gone the same amount of time with friends or whatever, I have plenty to keep myself busy and entertained, it's just the idea he is with someone else (a woman) building something new. Honestly, a few months ago, I had finally come to terms with it somewhat and was used to it. But since he and his gf broke up and he is now looking for another it's like picking at an old scab. I feel like I have to start all over again, trying to get thru the feelings of jealousy and go through the NRE all over again. I guess I have to reprocess everything the same way I did last time around.
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  #46  
Old 10-04-2013, 06:00 PM
tamlvscarl tamlvscarl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Icewraithonyx View Post
Hello. I'm also a mono partner of a poly and I've honestly asked myself that same question. And like others have said, it's better to ask "Why am I in this relationship?", or even better "What do I need / want from my relationships and am I getting it?"

The bending for his benefit sounds like the Brave Little Toaster sydrome the Polyamorous Misantrope posted about on her blog. Short version, don't bend yourself for your partner in the HOPES of being happy later. If you can't be happy now, and there's no fix, may be time to gently move on. I understand with children involved, it's WAY easier said than done. But you have to make sure you don't succumb to emotional poisoning.
That was a great article thanks!
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  #47  
Old 10-04-2013, 06:55 PM
sillyskydragon sillyskydragon is offline
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Originally Posted by tamlvscarl View Post
And why should I as a mono person have to work thru all that so my poly partner can be happy? Why should I have to suffer, dig deeper, be unhappy so he can be happy?
Simple truth is you don't have to do anything. You konw your current relationship status. Time to do one of a few things.

1) Stay and hate your SO for being poly and make you both miserable knowing he is who he is and will not change. (I respect the honesty).

2) Leave him and he will continue to be who he is.

3)Stay and accept him for who he is and be happy in a relationship with him.

Everyone deserves to be happy and loved.
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  #48  
Old 10-04-2013, 07:32 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I had finally come to terms with it somewhat and was used to it.

But since he and his gf broke up and he is now looking for another it's like picking at an old scab. I feel like I have to start all over again, trying to get thru the feelings of jealousy and go through the NRE all over again. I guess I have to reprocess everything the same way I did last time around.
Not you don't. If you are no longer up for this, you do not have to participate.

If you ARE up for this, participating in a polyship? Then yes. That's part of the deal -- he could break up with people. He could date again. And yes, NRE all over and witnessing it for you.

If you are willing/able to go there and be in good health/good spirit? Go.

If you are not willing? Not able? It's hurting you in your health and in your spirit? Stop doing this.

I am concerned you are depressed.

I note you do not list what your needs in relationship are. It is good he doesn't leave you to suffer poly hell alone... but you do not indicate if he meets you needs.

Galagirl
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  #49  
Old 10-04-2013, 07:43 PM
Vicarious Vicarious is offline
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Originally Posted by sillyskydragon View Post
Simple truth is you don't have to do anything. You konw your current relationship status. Time to do one of a few things.

1) Stay and hate your SO for being poly and make you both miserable knowing he is who he is and will not change. (I respect the honesty).

2) Leave him and he will continue to be who he is.

3)Stay and accept him for who he is and be happy in a relationship with him.

Everyone deserves to be happy and loved.
I wish life was as easy as simply picking 1, 2, or 3. The challenge is accepting that what you thought your partner got in a relationship with you, may not be what they actually are getting. For instance, I have a lover now as my wife and I had major medical and communication issues and sex was almost off the table for the last year. The lover relieved the strain on my wife. The intent of having another woman on the side was to back off relying on my wife to fulfil me sexually. But if the tide turns, why is she looking for sex with other people? What is she looking for sexually if we haven't fixed our sexual intimacy issues? I get the meeting new people, having new friends thing. Sex seems much more personal between a couple. Add to it kids, marriage, being in love with this person. Takes a LOT of work to have it feel easy...
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  #50  
Old 10-04-2013, 07:43 PM
tamlvscarl tamlvscarl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Not you don't. If you are no longer up for this, you do not have to participate.

If you ARE up for this, participating in a polyship? Then yes. That's part of the deal -- he could break up with people. He could date again. And yes, NRE all over and witnessing it for you.

If you are willing/able to go there and be in good health/good spirit? Go.

If you are not willing? Not able? It's hurting you in your health and in your spirit? Stop doing this.

I am concerned you are depressed.

I note you do not list what your needs in relationship are. It is good he doesn't leave you to suffer poly hell alone... but you do not indicate if he meets you needs.

Galagirl
No definitely not depressed! But thanks for your concern :-)
For the most part I am usually ok with it and I guess you could say have grown used to it. I just struggle with it from time to time. He does meet my needs, some of my wants he cannot meet because that would mean him not being who he is (poly). In reality when there is someone else in the picture he is more attentive, more loving, more caring. After he and his gf broke up he was like a parent who had 2 children and 1 died. He couldn't be a good parent to the one who was still alive because he was too busy grieving the one that was lost. He has gotten better with time though and I was understanding that he had just lost a 3 year relationship and was there for him. It's like a double edged sword--when he has someone he goes overboard being nice because I think he is so grateful that I am allowing him to be really be who he is and I reap the benefits of it (even just having the chance to miss one another we are more appreciative of our time together). But when he doesn't have anyone, he doesn't feel as though he has to try as hard so we actually have a better connection when he does have someone else. I still struggle with the jealousy though.
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