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  #31  
Old 10-01-2013, 03:36 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Thanks, Pulliman. I couldn't figure out how she just 'decided' to be your crush!
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  #32  
Old 10-01-2013, 01:41 PM
tamlvscarl tamlvscarl is offline
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Thank you all for your feedback and honest opinions and advice. I don't know what I am going to do at this point...talk to my husband of course and try to see where we go from here. Again thank you all for being a listening ear.
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  #33  
Old 10-01-2013, 04:37 PM
drinnt drinnt is offline
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Default I couldn't answer your other questions but I can this

Quote:
Originally Posted by tamlvscarl View Post
And why should I as a mono person have to work thru all that so my poly partner can be happy? Why should I have to suffer, dig deeper, be unhappy so he can be happy?
Okay, so I don't have enough true poly experiences to answer your OP questions and I CAN answer this one. For MYSELF anyway.

The answer for me would be:

QUESTION 1: Because I truly love my poly partner and having them in my life in whatever capacity I can means more to me than NOT having them in my life.

QUESTION 2: You don't "have to suffer so they can be happy". You only need to accept...CHOOSE...that you are in this relationship for what it is. Once you truly CHOOSE to be in THIS TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP with THIS TYPE OF PERSON because of the answer to question one...then all the suffering ends...because you then are simply doing "what you want" by being with this person.

And now that I think of it I can answer your other questions because in the first 2 years of my relationship with my current wife and primary partner I wanted commitment and she wanted to date. After breaking up with her and realizing my answer to question 1 (above) I CHOSE to have her in my life AS SOMEONE I LOVE WHO IS ALSO DATING which answered question 2 and thus I was happy.

Did I still have my moments? Yup. Was it WAY easier to manage since it was 100% my choice? Yup. What made it my choice WAS breaking up with her and realizing I was happier having her in whatever way she was willing to be with me...so then taking her back AS SHE WAS.

Hope that lends some perspective. Your not actually struggling with what your partner is doing/not doing. Your struggling against what you have VS what you think you want. Once you realize that you can want what you have...struggle gets easier or ends.

In the end you either:
-WANT HIM IN YOUR LIFE BUT STILL WANT HIM TO COMMIT TO ONLY YOU. (can't have it = struggle)
-WISH HE WAS DIFFERENT, CAN'T DEAL WITH IT AND "HAVE TO" BREAK UP (can't have it = struggle)
-REALIZE THAT WHAT YOU WANT IS NOT HIM AND BREAK UP (CAN have what you want = breakthrough!)
-WANT HIM AS HE IS (CAN have what you want = breakthrough!)
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D - R's wife & my girlfriend
R - D's husband & J's boyfriend

Last edited by drinnt; 10-01-2013 at 04:43 PM.
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  #34  
Old 10-01-2013, 05:51 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by drinnt View Post
In the end you either:
-WANT HIM IN YOUR LIFE BUT STILL WANT HIM TO COMMIT TO ONLY YOU. (can't have it = struggle)
-WISH HE WAS DIFFERENT, CAN'T DEAL WITH IT AND "HAVE TO" BREAK UP (can't have it = struggle)
-REALIZE THAT WHAT YOU WANT IS NOT HIM AND BREAK UP (CAN have what you want = breakthrough!)
-WANT HIM AS HE IS (CAN have what you want = breakthrough!)
Well said.
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  #35  
Old 10-01-2013, 06:45 PM
tamlvscarl tamlvscarl is offline
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It isn't that easy cuz yes obviously I want him in my life. That's why I am still here after struggling constantly with this. It does not make it any easier when he is out mtg new people, having firsts all over again, making new memories while I am left out. It is easy for 2 poly people to understand and 2 poly people are also gtg attention elsewhere and gtg to experience new things and firsts all over again too. But if you are mono, yes you get your partner but you also have to share them and struggle through jealousy, insecurity, etc. with no outlet. He came out as poly to me almost 3 years ago and it still is not easy for me. But I do want to be with him and that's why I am still here.
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  #36  
Old 10-01-2013, 08:38 PM
Vicarious Vicarious is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I am sorry you are upset.



Is that is what is being asked of you at this time?

"Are you willing to participate in a polyship with me?"



Only you can answer that for yourself if you are the monoamorous partner in a polyship.

If you are not willing to participate in a polyship because you are monoamorous AND monogamous, you just say "No, thank you. I am not willing to participate in a polyship with you." Could keep it simple.



You only have to do that if you

a) agree to participate in a polyship as a monoamorous person (and you do not have to)
b) Experience those issues in your polyship.




It is totally OK and normal to be monoamorous and have the desire/capacity to love only one adult partner at a time.

It is totally OK to want your relationship shapes to be monogamous and exclusive. There is nothing wrong with wanting that for yourself. Relationships come in all shapes, and you are allowed to like the shape you like best!

But for you to actually have and share that kind of relationship with someone? Your partner also has to want the same thing or it is just not a runner.

Disappointing, but there it is. People wanting different relationship shapes are not compatible.



You don't have to do that.

His happiness coming out of your hide is not a very kind or loving expectation to have.

If he expects this? He is too selfish.

If you expect this? You are too selfless.

Both could think about becoming "self-full" -- where you meet your OWN needs and that of OTHERS in a balanced way. Not all skewed one way or the other.



If in the past you have agreed to participate in a relationship where the expectation is that your own wants/needs are on the back burner, you were not looking out for your own best interests.

You could stop doing that.



If you know already right NOW that it is apples and oranges here? Better to not attempt to polyship. Better to plan a clean split and set each one of you free with a clean slate.

Then you are free to seek a "monoship" with a new partner.

Your ex is free to seek a "polyship" with a new partner.

Neither of you has to experience more UGH than necessary trying to make a fundamentally incompatible thing fly when it just won't fly.

Again, disappointing, but there it is.

Some things in life are not "win or lose" but "which one stinks least?"


The only way I can see a (monoamorous AND monogamous person) working out with a (polyamorous person) is

a) the monoamorous and monogamous person is willing to listen to and share the poly person's thoughts and feelings rather than ignore that side of them. They OPEN UP enough to do that for their spouse so their spouse can be themselves with them.

b) The poly person willingly CLOSES to monogamous shape for their partner in return for that understanding, because they understand their partner needs this for them.

Both "get back" getting to be with each other because they love one another and they have come to a workable compromise where each is putting something in for the other one's benefit. If both are not willing to do that, then it will not fly.



I am curious.

Basically he wants to OPEN the marriage... but only on his side? You resent it ALL or mainly the fact that he wants to keep you CLOSED and you don't get to have those new experiences also?

If it were open on BOTH sides would that change your willingness to participate? Or even THEN you still would not want to be participating in a polyship? I am not clear on where your upset it at -- all of it in general is not for you, or this offer he gives you is not for you?

I do see you are upset though. And again... I am very sorry you are going through this. It does not sound fun.

I suggest getting clearer on what is being asked of you, and if it is NOT any kind of yummy cookies for you too? Just say "No, thank you. I am not willing to participate in that offer."

What comes after that? You pick one of these and flesh out the details:
  • He lets go of this want, and you both remain in a monoship together.
  • He presents you with a yummier offer for an open model relationship where there's perks for you too and not just only perks for him. You both agree to stay together, but in a new model. An ethical non-monogamous one.
  • You part ways because of incompatible future goals/wants/needs.

Galagirl
You are a gold mine of information, and articulate it so well! I loved this reply. Compassionate, clear, and thought provoking.
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  #37  
Old 10-02-2013, 12:58 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Re (from tamlvscarl):
Quote:
"It is easy for 2 poly people to understand and 2 poly people are also gtg attention elsewhere and gtg to experience new things and firsts all over again too. But if you are mono, yes you get your partner but you also have to share them and struggle through jealousy, insecurity, etc. with no outlet."
If you're determined to stay with your partner and not break up, it seems to me like there's only three routes the two of you can go:
  • you convince him to stop practicing polyamory,
  • you find a way to cope with the jealousy and insecurity, and make peace with his continued polyamorous behavior,
  • you fail/decline to cope and make peace, he continues to act polyamorously, and you continue to feel all torn up inside.
The only way I can think of to sidestep all three routes is to break up with him (and I take it that's out of the question).

Sooo ... what are the chances you can convince him to stop acting polyamorously? Have you tried? Would you want to try? If you did try, what was his reaction?

Which of the three routes listed above do you think you have the best shot at? (Hmmm, the third obviously.)

Are you willing to pursue the second route if the first route fails? Do you think that would be worthwhile, healthy, beneficial, etc.? or, is it more important that you stick to your ground, and insist that he be the one to suck it up? (which essentially means banking on the first route.)

The second route, by the way, doesn't necessarily imply you doing all the work. There is a question of whether he can make any compromises (*short of abandoning polyamory altogether*) that would make it easier for you to emotionally accept the polyamory that he does practice. Better still, is there some kind of compromise he can make that would make you feel like you were actually getting something good out of the bargain? I pose this question to you because only you can know what would satisfy you. What would it take? Do you need him to spend (more) special date nights with you? go out less often? take (more) turns tending the kids so you can go out and have some fun (with friends or whatever)? something else? or is it just not gonna be good enough as long as he's seeing anyone else at all?

You mentioned you've been putting your happiness second to his for a long time. What behavior on his part has been making you feel like you have to do that? Is there a way you and he could take turns putting each other's happiness first?

These are some of the things that came to my mind while reading this thread. I can't give you a magic wand to whisk your problems away, but I can offer up my observations in case some of them might help.
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  #38  
Old 10-02-2013, 01:17 AM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Well I can answer your question! See were were married with three kids before we opened up, and I'm the poly. It took us much time and work to get here. Guess what we both learned? That we BOTH have to work on ourselves.

You keep saying how you always put his happiness first. Why? I mean, I love my husband, I want him happy but right now we are undoing YEARS of damage where all I did was sacrifice for this family and felt like no one cared. That I came last. Well duh! I let myself come last.

When we first started moving into poly it was not an ideal situation, I cheated online and it blew up. So then he for a long time felt like he wasn't important and had to sacrifice for me. Like I'd leave if I didn't just get all I wanted, other relationships, left alone when I wanted to be left alone, all of that.

Right now, we are working on being healthy. TOGETHER. To do that, we have to be healthy INDIVIDUALS. We have to BOTH work on our communication. Not just saying what we want, need and feel, but learning what it is we really want, need and feel. Not easy at all!

Most of the time people are simple. I feel bad/yucky, so stop whatever makes me feel that way! Nope, sorry, gotta figure out why you feel that way and what to do about it. It might be talking to our partners and saying that for some reason just the way something is phrased 'feels' badly to us and a different way is better.

So martyr or not, poly or not. This whole "I've always put his needs/wants first!" is not healthy. THAT is what you get out of poly. There is no where to hide. For either of you. If you really want to work at poly (Not non mono, not cheating openly), then you BOTH have to do the work to know yourselves and be healthy. To know what you REALLY want and need and how to express it to each other.
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  #39  
Old 10-02-2013, 03:01 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I haven't read the entire thread, so I am just responding to the first two posts...

My first thoughts upon reading your questions is that I don't think anyone really benefits from asking "What am I getting out of my partner having other partners?" I think the better question is more like, "What am I getting out of my relationship with my partner - and what am I putting into it?" In other words, ask yourself "Am I satisfied in my relationship? Do I feel nurtured, respected, and appreciated by my partner?" And if not, then, why not? What changes need to be made? What should you look for? What should you seek inside yourself and what should you ask your partner for?

The truth is you can have a totally great relationship with someone who is poly and has other partners, or you can have a totally sucky relationship with someone who has other partners - and you can have a totally great relationship with someone who is monogamous with you, or you can have a totally sucky relationship with someone who is monogamous with you.

The key factor in whether or not your relationship brings you joy, happiness, and satisfaction is not how many people your partner is involved with - the key factor is how your partner treats and manages his/her relationship with you, and how you manage your relationship with him or her. That's it in a nutshell, really.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #40  
Old 10-02-2013, 06:02 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tamlvscarl View Post
It does not make it any easier when he is out mtg new people, having firsts all over again, making new memories while I am left out.
This makes me feel sad for you. It's a horrible way to feel.

But - I wonder why you feel that you can't have firsts or make new memories? I know that you don't want other romantic partners but why does that mean you need to be so isolated?

My partner and I are mono with each other just now and likely to remain that way for the foreseeable future. That just means that we are not having sex with anybody apart from each other. Both of us meet new people regularly, have new experiences and make new memories. Sometimes we do that together and sometimes we are doing these things while the other is not there. If the other isn't there, we talk about it when we next see each other.

I hope you feel better about things soon.

IP
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