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Old 11-02-2013, 05:51 PM
Abebi Abebi is offline
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Thumbs down Dealing With TTC/Pregnancy

First a little history: F and I have been dating for two years. J and I were married for 3 years before divorcing and going our separate ways. F agreed to polyamory "to make me happy", which is a horrible reason, but then grew to enjoy it a bit once he met someone else (Bartender). We still have kinks to work out, but we are happy. J is currently only dating me and says that it will likely stay that way, but is free to find another partner. We have been dating for 6 months now.

I have discussed TTC (trying to conceive) with both of them separately (because they prefer not to spend time together if they don't have to), but haven't really figured out how it would happen. Because I don't have children with either of them, the subject is a bit touchy. They both want it and would likely not be happy leaving the paternity unknown.

What are some suggestions for treading these murky waters? What are some agreements about TTC in a poly relationship?
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Old 11-02-2013, 06:06 PM
london london is offline
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I think that unless you have a situation where three or more people are prepared to co parent the child, regardless of whether or not they confirm paternity, its going to be very difficult to negotiate and offer the child the most healthy and stable upbringing. In your situation, I think you have to pick who you want to conceive with, stop fluid bonding with the other person, and then adjust both relationships to reflect this new game changer. I can't see any of your partners being happy for their metamour to be a parental figure given they don't want to spend time together. I'm not saying that your romantic relationships will change with each person, but your life will involve a great new responsibility and you have to relate to your co parent(s) in a different way to before. How and when you see other partners, especially if they are not going to play a role in your child's life will also change.
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Old 11-02-2013, 06:24 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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I will be really hard if they don't like each other. Maybe you should tell them as a prelude to you starting a family they need to work on their relationship? If you want your children to get the benefits of poly living that should be a priority.
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Old 11-02-2013, 06:34 PM
london london is offline
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You could have children with both and co parent with the biological father of each child. So stay in your vee, they don't have to see one another but you ensure you take precautions to maximize the chances of conceiving with the intended father each time. That person then co parents that child.
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Old 11-02-2013, 06:45 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Every situation is unique...I wrote about ours here.

That being said, you really have to consider what having a child to either of these men would end up looking like in practice; what relationship would each of the men have with the child, what responsibilities?. These relationships are both relatively new. Pregnancy and child-rearing is TOUGH on relationships, and you do have to consider that neither relationship may survive the process. Are you prepared to be a single mom?

Just thinking "out of the box": If YOU really want to have a child and the men want kids but "paternity" would be an issue - you could take "paternity" off of the table and use donor sperm. Then neither man would be more/less of the father than the other...just saying.

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Old 11-02-2013, 09:34 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Welcome Abebi,

Quote:
Originally Posted by Abebi View Post
First a little history: F and I have been dating for two years. J and I were married for 3 years before divorcing and going our separate ways. F agreed to polyamory "to make me happy", which is a horrible reason, but then grew to enjoy it a bit once he met someone else (Bartender). We still have kinks to work out, but we are happy. J is currently only dating me and says that it will likely stay that way, but is free to find another partner. We have been dating for 6 months now.
Are you talking about 2 different "J's?" One that you were married to and then divorced, an another one that you have been dating for 6 months?

Do you live with F? Or alone? Or with family or roommates?

Quote:
I have discussed TTC (trying to conceive) with both of them separately (because they prefer not to spend time together if they don't have to), but haven't really figured out how it would happen. Because I don't have children with either of them, the subject is a bit touchy. They both want it and would likely not be happy leaving the paternity unknown.

What are some suggestions for treading these murky waters? What are some agreements about TTC in a poly relationship?
Well, once you answer my questions I will give my opinion on whom you should TTC with. I don't know if you plan on moving in with the man you chose to use the sperm of, or not live with either guy. Or have a kid with, say, F, and in a couple years, have another with J, and then both kids would have a sibling and each one dad. Or do you wish both men to get along well enough, in a V configuration, that you, both kids to be, and both men could be one big happy family, raising the siblings together?


I think it's a good idea to know paternity, for medical reasons.

And how does F's OSO, Bartender, feel about his/her partner having a kid with his other partner? Do they live together? Does Bartender already have kids, or want some?
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Old 11-03-2013, 01:35 AM
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BigGuy BigGuy is offline
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Children deserve a stable environment filled with people who love them regardless of their genetics.

If the reason F and J need to know the paternity is so they know which one to love, then neither of them deserve a child.
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Old 11-03-2013, 03:29 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BigGuy View Post
Children deserve a stable environment filled with people who love them regardless of their genetics.

If the reason F and J need to know the paternity is so they know which one to love, then neither of them deserve a child.
I happen to agree to this.
AND

no child deserves to be brought into a family dynamic where they are going to be loving parents who don't like each other.

I say it that way because as it plays out-one would be the equivalent of a stepparent to the child of the other. In that case-planning it in advance-
no child deserves a mess where their parents don't get along.
It HAPPENS that parents don't get along. But that doesn't make it preferential.

All of that said:
Our V has children. I have a child pre-marriage, as does Maca. I have a child with Maca and I have a child with GG. BUT-all of the children call Maca dad by choice. They ALL know their biology. They all have close relationships with all of us. They all know that the three of us will always ensure that they have free access to EACH of us no matter what.
Maca and GG aren't "great friends". But when it comes to the kids-they frequently do things with the kids together-without me. The kids are the priority and they are never expected to choose between parents.
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Old 11-03-2013, 06:57 AM
london london is offline
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I don't think wanting to know what baby you helped make boils down to wanting to know what kid to love. Being the bio parent of a child gives you certain rights and obligations, legal and moral, so wanting to know who you have those rights over and obligations to is fairly important.
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Old 11-03-2013, 12:51 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Last fall my tubal ligation failed. I found myself pregnant with Murf's baby.

Butch stepped up.. Shrugged his shoulders and bluntly said the new baby was his to. He would have treated the new little one no different than the other three. Yet not step on Murf's toes as Dad. Especially since Murf has none of his own.

Unfortunately the pregnancy was tubal and required emergency surgery to save my life.
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