Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 09-29-2013, 06:17 PM
Genie Genie is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 4
Default New to this and could use some advice.

Hello everyone...

I am new to this so I guess I will jump right in. I am a 28 year old bisexual woman in a ltr withmy 33year old boyfriend. Growing up I tried momonogamy and living a hetero lifestyle, and though I had great partners something was always off. Since discovering open relationships and accepting my bisexuality I have been exceedingly happy with my life.

I have a boyfriend both are primaries for me. However I want more of a pod or family connection. As I date them seperately. My primary A wants to have a girlfriend together instead of anything satellite like we have now. He has never had a threesome and I am his first commited poly relationship. I am very supportive, and I want him to find someone. However I don't want to be forced to date a partner that I am not really in love with. He can seperate love and sex and takes much less time to become sexual with a person. I tried to explain that he should date and as things progress if I am compatible with her then we can go forward. He thinks that I am not being supportive of his needs in the relationship.

I believe in this so very much. I want to make it work but I need so advice maybe just other people to talk to. We are the only poly couple we know. I do know a lot of swingers and people in open relationships but that isn't what I want. I am looking for a community, companions and friends. I dont just want sex. I want to know someone intimately and have a chance to grow.

So basically what can I do to meet my community without the sex party temporary relationship vibe? Also how can I help my bf understand that I want a gf as well but it isn't about sex so it has to be the right person?

Thanks for the support and listening
Genie
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 09-29-2013, 06:55 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Haltom City, TX
Posts: 1,281
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Genie View Post
So basically what can I do to meet my community without the sex party temporary relationship vibe?
Some areas are more poly friendly than others. I live tucked away in the redneck capital of the world so there's not much of a community down here for me to connect to.

I'll probably be moving to Austin soon and might reach out to the poly community down there. I'll just Google it, look for Meetup groups, and go out and meet some of them.

Swingers seem to be MUCH more available. I am with you in that I also don't find that to be interesting at all.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Genie View Post
Also how can I help my bf understand that I want a gf as well but it isn't about sex so it has to be the right person?
It sounds like you've already told him and he isn't really getting it. I suggest just making sure that any time the topic comes up that you do not sacrifice your integrity to sate his hard-on. Continue to be honest and hopefully his empathy will kick in and he'll try to understand that the two of you are different.

Avoid hinting and suggesting, be clear and explicit about your worldview.
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 09-29-2013, 07:21 PM
Genie Genie is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 4
Default Thank you

Hey Marcus,

Thank you for your kind and insightful response. I live in CA so I know there are a lot of groups and meetings here. I used to live in Ny and I went to a meet up with an ex and I quickly realized it was all about temporary sex and it was very uncomfortable.

I really want to make poly friends first. I am very sexual but I want to be friends with my lovers. I want a family not just a tryst. It is a little difficult to figure out which groups are which. And my primary is just learning this world as well and I think if we went to a swinger party he would really get the wrong impression.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 09-29-2013, 08:15 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Haltom City, TX
Posts: 1,281
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Genie View Post
I used to live in Ny and I went to a meet up with an ex and I quickly realized it was all about temporary sex and it was very uncomfortable.
That sounds like a swinger group.

Though I imagine the emphasis on sex will likely vary from group to group (poly). If there is an overt emphasis on sex with no strings, that isn't actually polyamory; it's non-monogamy, but polyamory focuses more on romantic relationships than grinding genitals together (though hopefully there will be plenty of that too).
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 09-29-2013, 10:15 PM
Murasaki's Avatar
Murasaki Murasaki is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 59
Default

First Genie, welcome to the forum. Hopefully you will find your time here helpful, and enjoyable.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Genie View Post
Also how can I help my bf understand that I want a gf as well but it isn't about sex so it has to be the right person?
My suggestion is more conversation, and education. (Education often cures a lack of understanding).

I can understand why you are against dating as a couple, perhaps talking (more) about why he feels the need to date as a couple.

And reading these forums. The life stories and blogs can be an eye opener for couples looking for a "third". (Maybe do a search for unicorn hunter, triad, or third and see what blogs you find, many have a very sad/negative situation they are relating, but not all.)
Here are some article from other sites that I have found through these forums, that might help you show your BF what he is asking for and the potential pitfalls.
Morethantwos, 'Do's and don'ts of happy poly', 'dating a couple' (perspective for how a desire to have a "triad" can have some very negative affects for all involved, and especially to the "new" person)
There are a lot of other really good article on morethantwo as well. (I would suggest reading all of the poly configuration ones.) Perhaps reading some of them together will help you two ask the right questions of yourselves, and of your relationship to each other and help with understanding the inherent issues with expecting a "new" GF to love two people in a triad versus allowing a new relationship to take its time and go where it will.


On finding the poly community in your area I agree with Marcus. Google it, and see what comes up. If you are concerned with what you find being more swinger/non-monogamous versus poly see about sending emails, or some sort of message to the group, or the leader of the group before going to your first meeting.
__________________
Me - Murasaki - Bi/pan
LTR SO - Kuroi - Straight (broken up-not sure what we are now)
Child of Murasaki & Kuroi - Momoiroi

In LTR of 20 years, married for 13 years to Kuroi
Didn't realize we had a poly type relationship in High school. Exploring poly again now that our Child is older.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 09-29-2013, 10:58 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Haltom City, TX
Posts: 1,281
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Murasaki View Post
If you are concerned with what you find being more swinger/non-monogamous versus poly see about sending emails, or some sort of message to the group, or the leader of the group before going to your first meeting.
Good call, no harm in asking beforehand. I'm sure the admin of the groups are used to that kind of question.
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 09-29-2013, 11:48 PM
Genie Genie is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 4
Default

Thank you both, the information you provided was very helpful. I am reading some of the posts and I am not quite sure about the lexicon and abbreviations. Is there a site or article that would explain some of the terminology? I ask because I have notices that different people refer to their partners with various titles and abbreviations. I really appreciate how welcoming and patient you both have been.

This is really a great community and I am proud to be a small portion of it.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 09-29-2013, 11:52 PM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 938
Default

Second sticky thread in this section of the forum has a glossary of terms and definitions.
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 09-30-2013, 05:49 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,837
Default

Quote:
He thinks that I am not being supportive of his needs in the relationship.
Could ask him to repeat back what you said to him to see if he got it in the way you meant it.

Because to me it sounded like a soft limit "Yes" --
  • Yes, I might be willing to share a threesome experience if I fall in love with someone you are dating. I'm willing to wait and see if that naturally develops over time and all 3 are willing to share that.
  • But NO. I'm not willing to share sex with you and some stranger I don't love just so you can have a threesome experience for your own jollies at the expense of my emotional, mental, physical, or spiritual health!

Is he hearing it like a HARD LIMIT?
  • "No, not ever under any circumstances?"

To me you guys sound like an Open (polysexual him + polyamorous you) dating couple. You date each other and others.

Is it that he doesn't understand where you come from? Or understand what kind of relationship you share? Are you on the same page as to what open relationship model you are trying to practice?

Are any of these things below things you and he need to get super clear on?
  • I think "polysexual" and "polyamory" mean the same thing.
  • I expect my partner to put meeting my wants/needs ahead of meeting their wants/needs.
  • I expect my partner to be willing to have group sex with me whenever I feel like it.
  • I can tell the difference between a "want" and a "need."

He doesn't sound like he wants to share a triad girlfriend. He sounds like he wants to share a threesome.

NEEDS are things like these. The need in question might be the need for connection, expressed as love.

Guess what? Love can come in many shapes. Not only the (polyshipping triad that shares threesome sex) shape!

And yes, it is a fact of life: If you do not share the same WANT, he will have to process feelings of disappointment.

Sometimes people want things and other people don't want the same thing! Maybe you and he both want it and the 3rd party does not!

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-30-2013 at 06:11 PM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:28 AM.