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Old 09-27-2013, 03:21 PM
walkingwill walkingwill is offline
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Default New to Poly need advice on jealousy/indifference

Hello. I'm new to the forum and to this thought process. Still trying to figure out if it works for me or if I'm just out of touch with my emotions...I have had a lot of loss lately (both parents and best friend passed in the last 2 years). I'm looking for advice on my situation as well as possibly insight into whether or not this is what I want because I don't really know...

I met L at a sandwich shop that was right next to where I worked. I asked her out on a date(first in 3 years for me) and things heated up very quickly. Too quickly for most of the people in my life. She moved in after two weeks and we had a relationship for about three months. She is a very sexual person. Sex is all she thinks about. Me, not so much, but I like to be accommodating and to make sure she enjoys herself. Three times a day every day. I couldn't keep up the pace and it was almost a deal breaker for her. We talked things out, slowed down a bit, and then she cheated on me. Open about it too. It obviously hurt her but she told me that being exclusive in a relationship with someone was almost impossible with her unless they can keep up with her physical needs...and even then... She had never been in a relationship where she didn't cheat on her partner(she's bi btw). I took it pretty hard, got angry, then mainly just sad because I had finally started to open up to her. I grew fond of her. We had an emotional connection. Her cheating though made me feel like I was inadequate. Not good enough. No one wants to feel that. But after a week, we started talking again. Only reason I did was because she had been so honest with me. We rekindled our relationship and she began talking about polyamory and swinging. Sex was a casual/recreational thing but that her emotional ties and love were for me.

I've found that it's hard to break conventional thinking. The idea that if she loved me ENOUGH then she could deny her physical desires for other people because she has me. But after research on the subject. The idea of loyalty and complete honesty about everything...I decided that I'd give it a try. The day she came back after one of her flings, it's hard to describe. I still picture this moment when I'm sitting with her on my couch with her legs propped on my legs and my arm was around her. I had never felt so close to her in our entire relationship. It was like she felt completely at ease and in our intimate moments, we've never been more passionate. The issue lies when she leaves...

You see, I don't have anyone on the side. Honestly, I'm not really interested in looking right now. Her on the other hand has many on the side that text her constantly. She doesn't hide them and openly discusses the good and bad things about each person she sleeps with. If there is drama, etc. And I'm glad we can open. It's like having your best friend as your lover, in the realist sense. We'll have our time. She'll spend a night. Then it's just assumed unless she says something that she'll be somewhere else tomorrow night. Yesterday, the day after she stayed over at a fling's place, we didn't even text or call until around 7 or 8 when she decided she wanted to be in my arms tonight. I haven't decided if it's jealousy or indifference that kept me from texting her that day. Well, last night when she came over we were intimate and I noticed love bites on her. I wanted to say something but didn't and made her bite me. She asked if there was a specific reason why i wanted her to bite me and I just talked around it. I guess I can't do that in the future...like I said, I'm new to this and I probably should have just said something. I guess I felt like it wasn't my business to say something about her fling from the last night leaving love bites on her. It makes her happy being able to have casual sex with these people and instead of jealous I should be happy that she's enjoying herself and having fun.

Today though, we woke up and I asked if she wanted to go out on a date tonight since it's friday night. She said she couldn't because she had plans with another fling and how about sunday....so she plans to be gone for two nights. What happened to the closeness I felt earlier? Why do I feel so jealous/indifferent? Right now the only thing I can think about when it comes to her is not to text her til sunday...even though she sent me a sweet message thanking me for everything and telling me how much she loves me awhile ago....it's these feelings that led me here in the first place. I need some advice and I feel like this is the only place that may understand what I'm feeling and going through. Sorry to write so much in my first post...I'll end it at that.

Last edited by walkingwill; 09-27-2013 at 03:28 PM.
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Old 09-27-2013, 04:02 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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That's a good story. No need to apologize when it's easy to read.

The feelings you are experiencing are normal. You may be able to work with them or you may not. There's clearly not one right answer.

I text Susan all the time. Most are just to let her know I'm thinking of her. She may or may not text back. If I know she's going to be busy, I typically refrain; not due to jealousy, but that I don't want to interrupt. I still always send her a good night and a good morning.

On the overall, my jealousy is always insecurity related. There are times I'm afraid she's going to end our relationship. It's completely irrational, but it's just something I have to deal with. It is exacerbated when I don't know whether I need to be around for her or not. The other thing I had to learn is that it's not a competition. She clearly enjoys being with you, and that's independent of anything else going on. You don't have to compete with her other flings. You just have to keep being yourself since she's clearly attracted to you.

Over time, I've gotten less and less jealous because I've been able to conquer the insecurity in this relationship. Try to identify what it is that is causing you the jealousy and see how you can adjust to it.

It won't be easy, but the level of communication you two already have will make it a lot easier.
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Old 09-27-2013, 06:19 PM
walkingwill walkingwill is offline
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I think what I am feeling is due to insecurity, like you said, from the fear of her just ending our relationship. Finding someone that's "good enough to keep her" and what not. Her seemingly large network of flings is admittedly intimidating. Maybe these feelings of attempting to be indifferent are just my defense mechanism in case something happens. I guess when it all comes down to it, I need to be stronger and stop being afraid of what could happen. It's not a competition. Thanks for saying that. I should be happy with what I have and enjoy the time I spend with her. Be happy that she is happy and happy that she is out enjoying herself. I need to focus on the emotional connection we have. That love. Those moments like what I described earlier.

I'm an IT Technician whose dream is to start my own independent game studio, so when I'm not working, sleeping, or with her....I'm working on my project. At first, just doing that was enough but my mind wanders. Last night before she texted I wanted to numb it with a few dos equis(like 3 total...i'm a cheap date haha)which sparked inquiry as to what the occasion was for me to be drinking...again, I talked around it. I see what I need to fix and learn to be more honest and open about how I feel like she's been...I'm finding out it takes getting used to. That's the one thing that was stressed in what I was reading about in this kind of a relationship. Hopefully over time this uncertainty i feel will pass, like it did in your case. Though maybe for awhile on those days when she's out with her flings I should go out too. Not to "pick up" anyone or anything. Like I said, I'm not interested in looking around right now. I'm saying that maybe it would help get things like that off my mind. Is that just running away from the problem? Thank you for your advice. It's nice to have a place where I can talk about this.
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Old 09-27-2013, 06:24 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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I'm not sure it ever passes. It gets less. You get more secure. But I went three nights last week unable to sleep well. It was more complex than just jealousy, but there was definitely some jealousy involved.
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  #5  
Old 09-27-2013, 08:50 PM
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sdguitarguy sdguitarguy is offline
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It sounds like you have some good communication going on. And it is great that you are both willing to be so open.

You're not alone. There is rarely a perfect match in sexuality between two people.

As to whether you should go out - you'll get differing opinions here. Distracting yourself from those thoughts is reasonable as long as it is not complete escapism. Both sexual and non-sexual distractions helped me through some tough nights as I learned that I could, in fact, survive (and eventually be completely ok with) my partner being out with someone else. And I learned that having a lover did not reduce or diminish my feelings for my other lover. So I could better see my partner's point of view making the transition easier for me.

And she's living with you, not these other people. She has chosen you for a reason. Have you thought about what those reasons are? Understanding the answer to that question can help you feel more secure about your relationship.
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Old 09-28-2013, 02:00 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Three times a day, every day? The mind boggles.

With all these casual sex partners she's got, do you know what her safer sex practices are? Do the two of you get tested regularly? Just wondering.
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Last edited by nycindie; 09-28-2013 at 02:02 AM.
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Old 09-28-2013, 11:22 AM
walkingwill walkingwill is offline
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Typical protection and we go in for testing every three months. When we first started dating we went in.
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Old 09-28-2013, 03:31 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Three times a day IS a lot of sex. I thought I was extra horny because I'd like to get it once a day, or maybe twice if both my partners were available and in the mood.

Back when my bf was 20 miles away, we only had one day a week together so we'd have 3-5 sex sessions in 24 hours to tide us over. Then I'd get to have sex with my gf once or twice in the week as well, MAYBE 3 times, if I got really lucky.

Anyway! Enough about me. If I were in your situation, I'd feel a bit concerned about all these dates my partner was going on. Partly because multiple partners open you up to STDs. Even if she's using condoms for intercourse, I doubt she's using them for oral, or dental dams for receiving oral from partners or giving oral to females? She could get herpes or Hep C.

Also, you say you're living together but she's off for days on end with other casual partners? I wouldn't be able to live with that either. That seems excessive. I mean, she can do what she wants, but how do you deal with having a so called gf who is hardly ever available? There is more to a relationship than sex. There's dinners together, activities, housework and home maintenance.... Do you want a live in partner with a bit more commitment than she is willing to provide?

As for your "indifference," I also know what you're feeling. This summer has been very stressful for me (I moved house, got a new job, my gf had some emotional trauma I had to help her with, a guy I attempted to date tried to kill himself), and yet my bf has been dating or trying to date 3 others. (And I partly moved to this area to be closer to him, as was also his frequently stated wish!) I didn't have energy resources to deal with the emotions I had around that... so in some ways I shut down towards him for a while, felt less bonded. I felt insecure that so much of his emotional energies were going towards these 3 new people. I felt like just one more pussy to him. After all, he has me, a wife, and also a connection of some intensity with my gf already!

Some people are just "too poly" I think! I've decided to stop dating anyone new just so I can deal with my emotions around all his new people!
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  #9  
Old 09-28-2013, 05:02 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Some people are just "too poly" I think!
Very much agree with you there!
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Old 09-29-2013, 03:33 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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You have an emotional attachment. Great.

Does she have an emotional attachment BACK? (I am not sure from how you write. Until then, there is no connection. It's just a one way street so far in my mind.)

Is this even the relationship shape you prefer? Nope. So why be in it?

Quote:
I asked her out on a date(first in 3 years for me) and things heated up very quickly. Too quickly for most of the people in my life. She moved in after two weeks and we had a relationship for about three months.
So you were ripe to be an easy target? I am sorry I cannot think of a nicer way of saying that. Sigh.

But that's a valid concern your friends and family might be trying to hold up to you. That because you have been without romantic attention for so long and might feel lonely, you are easy to take advantage of by a certain type of sweet talkin' user-y person.

Quote:
Her cheating though made me feel like I was inadequate. Not good enough. No one wants to feel that.
Her cheating demonstrates she is not trustworthy. It has nothing to do with you. If she finds you incompatible, she could break up with you nicely and cleanly and respectfully. To cheat? That's not nice, clean, or respectful.

Quote:
But after a week, we started talking again. Only reason I did was because she had been so honest with me. We rekindled our relationship and she began talking about polyamory and swinging.
That might be the "surface" reason you give yourself... but I think the core reason was because you have BEEN lonely, and she gave you attention. You were hoping "to make it work" so you don't have to be lonely.

She brings up open relationships AFTER she cheatson you and you guys broke up? Basically she sweet talks you and you go for it? This is not ethical polyshipping or ethical swinging. This is not being "her open and honest now."

This is "play him a song and see what it takes to weasel on back" sounding to me.

In the end? Whatever the packaging or spin she gives it with her TALK? Now she gets to fuck how she wants, rather than limiting herself to you in her BEHAVIOR and better still -- doesn't have to take the trouble to be discreet and hide it. She can be all kinds of FRESH and you are "ok" with it.

You still aren't happy, dude. You are not compatible sounding. And you seem like you are struggling to accept that this is not cool here inside yourself. You want it to be cool, but it isn't. Or at least that is how it sounds to me. Your emotions are battling your logic. That's inner conflict.

Your family and friends are not in NRE mode. I'd listen to these concerns!

Is she basically using you to be her bill paying roomie and fucking you once in a while to make it "ok?"

Will it progress to this? ---
"How little can I give him but still get all I want out of him? Less talks? Less cuddles? Less affection? What's the bare minimum I have to put out so I get lots back from him?"
Quote:
I think what I am feeling is due to insecurity, like you said, from the fear of her just ending our relationship.
I think you feel ugh because you already know she's not trustworthy; she broke agreements with you before, and you still signed up for more.

This is less then self-respecting behavior. You could respect yourself more and not sign up for shenanigans.

Fear of ending it why? Because you hadn't had a date in 3 years and you don't want to be "alone again?" This is healthy reason to stay in a less than satisfying and not trustworthy relationship with her?

Quote:
I guess when it all comes down to it, I need to be stronger and stop being afraid of what could happen.
Yep.

Quote:
"I should be happy with what I have and enjoy the time I spend with her. Be happy that she is happy and happy that she is out enjoying herself. I need to focus on the emotional connection we have."
Nope.

I bothers me that nowhere in that quote do you talk about YOUR happiness. If this is a mutual SHARED happy, great. Carry on! But you are posting here so you don't sound happy to me.

This "indifference" could also be "going numb" and it's on the path to depression. I don't know if you could be in this boat. If so, you could guard against it by not exposing yourself to people who suck your mental health down like that.

You seem to be basically saying "I should just settle for what I get with this cheater even if I'm not happy because it is at least better than being alone again. Help me be ok with this less than self respecting behavior."

Is that your line of thinking here and what you are trying to "get good with"?" If so? I cannot support that.

Could go another way though.
  • You could decide a whirlwind one-sided relationship is not healthy for YOU. Might be great for her, but you do not exist only to serve her at your expense.
  • You could choose to end it, and date other people and find someone who is more compatible.
  • You could not fear that it might take a while to find this better quality, more compatible person.
  • You could remember you will have family and friends for social health to get you through this dating patch so you are not lonely even while working on your romance search.
  • You could spend some time thinking about self respecting behaviors you do / do not do and how they help build up your self esteem / drain your self esteem. What do you do that you can be proud of?
  • If you ARE on the path to depression? You could see a doctor and get back on the path to health.

Every behavior you do? It either ADDS or TAKES AWAY from your life enjoyment.

In the romance department? If sticking around with her is sucking you dry? Could stop sticking around with her.

Not all choices in life are "win or lose." Some are "which stinks less?" and in this case? (Being alone and dating new people to find a compatible partner) sounds less stinky to me than (clinging to incompatible, "cheated on me before" lady.)

I think you deserve respect -- from you and others. I hope you think so too.

I think you deserve a better quality partner. I hope you do too.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-29-2013 at 04:16 PM.
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