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Old 09-27-2013, 02:52 AM
Hmm Hmm is offline
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Hello all!

So I'm in a bit of a pickle. I probably don't know the half of it...oh here I go being dramatic I'm going to try and summarize my story the best I can.

A couple of years ago or so, I had my first love. I met her online. We were together for a year and a half before breaking it off due to the stress of our lives. However, we're still friends and whenever we talk there's clearly still passion; external circumstances separate us.

Our relationship was very healthy sexually, and toward the end we got into hypothetically talking about swinging, threesomes, cuckoldry...that dimension of kinkiness involving more people than just us. Though, out of fear I believe, she felt we shouldn't "actually" do it (we were talking about someday when we'd meet irl) but that as a roleplay it was very hot. But after the breakup, long story short, I realized a polyamorous lifestyle, for me, would feel most natural and free. My recent ex in passing mentioned having an open relationship but she's been so caught up in her life I haven't heard from her much. So I'm just wishing the best for her and hoping someday she'll reenter my life. But for now, here I am.

My predicament goes like this: I'm in college. This is the first time I've been an eligible bachelor since, ever. So I'm "testing the waters" so to speak. But I met another girl the other month who also lives in another state who has expressed interest in being a friend with benefits, though she clearly has some feelings for me. She's been very understanding and surprisingly so with the whole situation. She's accepted that it's sex and friendship and she won't have me "all to herself". However, earlier this week, I met up with a new friend and asked her on a date. So we're having it tomorrow! The worry for me is, when it comes down to it - how do I bring up my relationship status without coming off as a typical sex-driven, insensitive, selfish etc etc male? The girl who I'm going on a date with tomorrow has been pretty subtly showing that she's hot for me.

That's what I get for being a nerdy guy who's into intelligent women, hahh. My ex as well as my fwb (planning to fly down soon actually) as well the new girl are all nerdy and sweet and funny and intelligent, etc. I guess I'm just worried about feeling like an asshole for being polyamorous. It's not exactly a commonly believed-in thing. I told my fwb about the date tomorrow and she's clearly hurt by it but trying to be supportive - making me feel guilty. I mean, she isn't. I just am by it. I don't want to hurt those who are close to me. I guess I'm just looking for some guidance of some sort or another.

In the meantime, I'm hoping the topic of "past relationships" doesn't come up during the date tomorrow. She seems like a pretty easygoing, fun girl but I'd like not to make a mess of things.

Advice? Tips? Thoughts? Personal anecdotes?

Thanks all. If you want any clarification, by all means! Later
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  #2  
Old 09-28-2013, 02:54 AM
Hmm Hmm is offline
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I suppose my conundrum is more of a philosophical one than a personal one. I want to be free and polyamorous, but in this society it certainly won't go over smoothly. Fear and jealousy have been imprinted into our brains along with many other types of fear. The world has certainly been more conservative before, but even still there are many people living with lingering remnants of fear and repression. Maybe I'm thinking too hard too soon about this...

I just had my first date with this new girl. She and I have a really similar sense of humor, get along well. Both have a lot in common of course. She wanted to take it slow and I'm okay with that (woulda stayed up for hours kissing if she let me hahaha). I suppose having never truly made it this far in real life is going to make me worry beyond what is rational.

We're not strictly a couple. So...if I date others, she, I mean. She probably will get some kind of jealous. But maybe that's not so bad? If I were just handing myself to her that'd be boring. Maybe the frustration is a healthy challenge? Not for everyone, but in my position perhaps. I guess I'm just thinking aloud there, not like anyone else can say much about what works for me versus others, hah.

I think my main worry here is to be turned into the "bad guy" here for wanting less committed love. Irrational worries? I hope. I think I was more worried beforehand about it. Ah well. I think I'll stop this train of insecurity here before it fully derails
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Old 09-28-2013, 03:51 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hmm View Post
I think my main worry here is to be turned into the "bad guy" here for wanting less committed love. Irrational worries? I hope. I think I was more worried beforehand about it. Ah well. I think I'll stop this train of insecurity here before it fully derails
If all you want is to date around (not necessarily implying sleeping around), why are you so worried? Most people date here and there without really committing to anyone in particular. It's not cheating if you're dating different people and haven't had the girlfriend/boyfriend/monogamy talk.

Just to clarify, thought, non-monogamy COULD be about "less committed" love, but poly usually carries connotations of fully committed relationships.
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Old 09-28-2013, 04:07 AM
Hmm Hmm is offline
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........oh, right. How embarrassing *blushes*

Feeling much better now that I've got it cleared up. Thanks
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  #5  
Old 09-28-2013, 04:12 AM
london london is offline
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Date poly people
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