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  #11  
Old 10-01-2013, 01:23 PM
Vicarious Vicarious is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
In my vocab?

You and your wife and your GF are exploring being married and non-monogamous.

You think could be monoamorous (Desire or capacity to love one at a time) but are polysexual. ((desire or capacity to have more than one lover at a time -- not necessarily group sex, just more than 1 lover) and actually have a mutual friend as your lover at this time whose company you enjoy. I wonder if you are actually polyamorous, but struggling to LABEL the different kinds of love out there to be felt so you can talk about it with less awkwardness.

Wife could be polyamorous (Desire or capacity to love more than one at a time) and could be polysexual (desire or capacity to have more than one lover at a time -- not necessarily group sex, just more than 1 lover). She does not have another lover at this time.

GF could be (monoamorous and monosexual) or (polyamourous and polysexual) or some other mix and match. You don't write about her enough for me to guess. She is ok being in a non-monogamous relationship and is grateful her metamour (your wife) and her can have a friendly relationship since they share a hinge. (YOU) in this "V."

To me? You seem to share consummate love with your wife. You like her, are friends with her, share sex with her. But you have other commitments to her too -- marriage vows, children, a shared home and cohabitating as domestic partners and all that other "joint" stuff -- cars, checking accts, etc that a married couple might have.

You seem to share romantic love with your lover -- if there is liking/friendship and body/passion type intimacy there. You seem uncomfortable calling it "romantic love" because then what kind of love name do you have left to use for what you share with wife? You are used to calling THAT love the "romantic love."

Maybe reading Love Theory could help put more "love vocab" in your box that you could become more comfortable using? To help you describe what you feel and enable you to express yourself to the women in your life and be understood by them? While still honoring both women?

Galagirl
Wow! Thank you for those descriptions! In fact last night my wife and I discussed how various types of relationships with other people made us feel. It made me feel better that I could express myself that I had a lover that I shared friendship with, sex with, and not having to really label what it is. The important thing for both of us was communication, and both of us feeling that having another person in our life didn't negatively affect our life together.

I had a nice time over at my lover's house the other night, and had no issues with being into it...

The amount of talking we do about feelings, what we desire for life as a couple, and what our explorations do to compliment it, is what helps us along this journey.

Having a few more ways to describe it helps! Thanks again. I'll read up on the link you provided.
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  #12  
Old 10-02-2013, 02:42 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Glad it helps some.

You can Google more links -- that's just one with a good visual.

GL!
Galagirl
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  #13  
Old 10-03-2013, 07:05 PM
Vicarious Vicarious is offline
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​Here's the TL;DR ~ Should I just turn my brain off and not talk about all this stuff with my wife? Overanalzing versus Going with the Flow...And can I?

I'm finding that asking the "Why" question is causing me a some deal of conflict I need to work through. In fact the Why? thread has triggered much of it. haha. It feels like I shouldn't analyze it in that way but these are important questions. That it will bring out some deep seeded and unresolvable difference between us as a couple. The feeling I get from the idea of my wife M having sex with other men is a mixed up blend of excitement, maybe living out a Hotwife fantasy (my wife the 'slut'), and fears that it may take us places I don't want. In other words, the unknown. This is not me thinking about a one off experience, but a lifestyle of having sex with other people openly. I am doing lots of reading about these fears and trying to get grounded in our marriage for the inevitable day she acts upon a desire and sleeps with another man. I am working through it. I have given her full permission to explore. That day will come. It does excite me sexually to think about it...It wouldn't break our marriage up, it would be a sexually charged experience for us together after, but until that day, it is about working through feelings, and my connection with her. I've read that your marriage needs to be pretty solid to work through the change from monogamy to polyamory...

M and I had an uncomfortable argument last night when I tried to talk more about our 'true intentions' and 'why' are we opening up our marriage. Mine seems to be rooted in having outside fun in order to connect and heighten the passion in my marriage (she got her libido back from me having a lover, and we finally started having sex again). I'm not interested in building deep intimate relationships with other women currently. Her intentions seems rooted in gaining connection with other people outside our marriage, with being open to explore where that would take her sexually and intimately, and that is something important to her. So, that makes me more a mono, and her more a poly. I'm not looking for casual sex with random people, but am not looking for a deep emotional connection with another woman either. Something in the middle if it helps M & I to connect as lovers again. Currently with my lover T, I'd label her as a friend that I have fun sex with and that I care about. It feels emotionally easy to break off that relationship if I or M want.

The idea of having sex with other people excites M and makes her feel less like a stay at home mom, and more like a sexy beautiful woman again. The ironic part is that as of right now I am the one having a sexual relationship with someone and she is not. But as time goes on with T (we've been having sex for over a month now), I am questioning, why am I doing this? Sure, the sex is fun. But I enjoy sex with my wife far more. The excitement that M got with me having sex with T is wearing off now though. What is exciting about hearing what I did in bed with T after the 10th time? It is getting boring for her. I think it was the quest for a shiny new thing, and it is getting dull. So, do I have sex with someone else now to get her excited again? Lather, rinse, repeat? Do you see why my intentions seem to conflict with what I am doing? I'm really enjoying making love to M after coming home, having sexual intimacy again daily, and she is sexually what I desire. But to have to sleep with someone else for that to happen seems difficult to understand. That is unless I strictly think of it as me going to T to have sex and relieve the pressure on M to be my sex partner. But is M so free to share me, because that is truly what she wants? For me to accept that she is the one that actually wants sex with others in an open and ongoing way? Probably, and something she may not feel safe to share so bluntly. Or is it that I am just struggling to accept this is what she truly desires? Where is Freud when I need him?

M says we should just go with the flow and figure it out as we go. I feel like we should try to figure out why we are doing this so we can feel that we are doing this for the right reasons.

Is M looking for other people because something is lacking for her in our marriage? Probably. There have been plenty of issues, and many that are unresolved as come out when we have an argument. One of issues for her is the pressure of having a husband that comes to her exclusively for sex. I'm the one with the high libido, and up until recently, she had none. None. We had had sex once in the previous year. When she has/had no libido, I am a pest to her. It triggers panic in her. Having a lover I can go to relieves that pressure. The same goes for trying to figure it all out. She feels pressure from me to figure it out and answer the Why question. Maybe it is because she fears she will hurt my feelings that she needs something sexually different in her life, and our intentions will bring out the obvious differences between us that may create cracks in our relationship.

I get that we can't be everything to each other, so I intellictually understand we need various friendships, connections and maybe even other sexual experiences with people that we don't get from our spouse. The fear of inadequecy pops up if I think too much about it. That's my issue to resolve and I am getting there slowly. But how do we communicate around it? She seems overwhelmed by how much I want to talk about us and becoming polyamorous! Same goes for the next thought. If her true intention of me sleeping with T is for her to have intimate connections with other people, am I the right man for her? Can I be the man she needs so she feels safe to express her desires, act upon them, and be free to do what she wants, have me be happy for her, rather than question why are we doing this? Me talking it through is my way of hopefully being that man but I feel the need to talk, talk, talk... I want to be there for her. I truly do. As I love her to death, and I want her to have a beautiful life full of love and caring. And, that I share that life with her. Why is her having sexual intimacy in relatioships with other people a hard thing for me to swallow?

I am guilty of trying to analyze, discuss and dissect everything in order to work through our path (or is it my path?). She has far less issues(none) with me having sex with other women, than I do with her having sex and having relationships with other men. In fact, I have always felt that she doesn't care at all what I do with T, because she is much more open to polyamory, having relationships in her life, and has a level of emotional detachment from sex. She has had many more lovers than me and lived a pretty free spirited sex life outside of the times she was in relationships(and even within them, which she didn't like having to be sneaky). Poly is new to me (I was much more a serial monogamist) and I need to do much more work on it to feel comfortable. Much of it may be related to her detaching sex and intimacy. She can just have sex, enjoy the moment, and move on. Or, just like she said last night, "Share the love", or "Go with the flow". I try to figure out the feelings I have after having sex with someone new. It is especially harder when you are married to your person you desire, and you are having sex with someone else in order to gain back the passion within your marriage. New feelings, fears, and how to figure it all out. Then to think I'm being encouraged to sleep with women so to bridge the gap so she can sleep with other men. I'm ok with that, but need to get to that happy spot for it to feel stable and ongoing.

After reading The Brave Little Toaster link, I think the "quest for shiny" is a key element of her desire to explore poly in our life right now. I am at least open to try it out and do the work to get there. It has offered us an opportunity to see our marriage differently, connect in a way we couldn't before, and I hope it doesn't unearth our deeper relationship issues and create even greater chasms.

How much of this is overanalyzing (Christ, the length of this post makes it seem obvious...), or needing to start trying to focus on positive aspects of our new poly marriage, and just like she said, go with the flow...She wants our communication to feel light and fun, and I find it hard to not have a serious conversation around it...
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  #14  
Old 10-03-2013, 08:35 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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She wants our communication to feel light and fun, and I find it hard to not have a serious conversation around it...
Not about what either of you wants.

It's about what the healthy polyship needs.

If that is the shared overarching mission -- to live and love in an ethical, healthy polyshipping dynamic of some kind?

Maybe you can talk some of your stuff out with a counselor to organize it down to Cliff Notes so she's not overwhelmed and you still get to air out whatever it is you need to air out and organize your thoughts. Then BOTH get what the want/need while still serving the polyship at large's needs.

Quote:
She has had many more lovers than me and lived a pretty free spirited sex life outside of the times she was in relationships(and even within them, which she didn't like having to be sneaky). Poly is new to me (I was much more a serial monogamist) and I need to do much more work on it to feel comfortable.
Are you needing reassurance in the dept that she isn't going to be sneaking around/cheating on YOU? If so, could ask her for it.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-04-2013 at 04:30 AM.
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  #15  
Old 10-03-2013, 09:05 PM
Vicarious Vicarious is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Not about what either of you wants.

It's about what the healthy polyship needs.

If that is the shared overarching mission -- to live and love in an ethical, healthy polyshipping dynamic of some kind?

Maybe you can talk some of your stuff out with a counselor to organize it down to Cliff Notes so she's not overwhelmed and you still get to air out whatever it is you need to air out and organize your thoughts. Then BOTH get what the want/need while still serving the polyship at large's needs.



Are you needing reassurance in the dept that she isn't going to be sneaking around/cheating on YOU? If so, could ask her for it.

Galagirl
I think part of our communication piece is that we communicate and process everything at different speeds. I like to work through it in what, to me, seems like a logical order and talk it out. She has ADHD, and processing takes more time, so conclusions and end results aren't as clear for her. It is a process that just takes time.

She feels that our 'polyship' should just go with the flow, and I want to dissect what it might look like, feel like, so I am better prepared to accept a new relationship dynamic.

I do think that having had/or still having sex with T has actually helped our marriage. It was like the flood gates opened on our communication and sexual intimacy. Not to mention the passion came back like we had before having kids. I suppose that I am happy to just have that keep going as it is not a negative experience, but I feel that if the table was turned, how would I handle an ongoing sexual relationship for her? I tend to accept/be ok with one night stands and casual sex for her versus having what I currently feel I have which is an ongoing lover. If I am having sex with T and it has allowed M and I to have a sexually charged relationship again, it seems worth it. But if I am the one that has the high libido and she wants sex with other men, how is that going to improve my sex life with her? I'm hung up on what the intention is here. I intend to be close to M from having sex with T. M's intent is to have ongoing connected relationships with others. Not really the same. And it might be hard to swallow unless I can work out that difference.

It comes down to wanting and desiring her as my lover, wanting her to be attracted to me, and call upon me as often as she likes to fulfill her sexual desires.

Oh, and I don't feel I need to be re-assured about her going behind my back. Right now anyway. I know she would tell me and try to make me feel loved and still a major part of her life.
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  #16  
Old 10-04-2013, 04:34 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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It comes down to wanting and desiring her as my lover, wanting her to be attracted to me, and call upon me as often as she likes to fulfill her sexual desires.

Oh, and I don't feel I need to be re-assured about her going behind my back. Right now anyway. I know she would tell me and try to make me feel loved and still a major part of her life.
That is it right there. I meant you might feel the need to be reassured that even with another lover in the picture for her, she will still turn to you, still desire you as a lover, still will be attracted to you, etc. So you could ask her for that reassurance so you can start to feel a little better. Could ask her to re-state the things she loves about you and finds interesting in you, and re-affirm her love and commitment to you so you can be reassured.

You actually do NOT know. Because it has not yet come to pass. You HOPE it will be so, certainly. But you do not KNOW yet.
That's where some of your jitters could be coming from -- you cannot KNOW a thing before you know it because it already happened. It hasn't come to pass yet. You can only hope it will be so when that time comes. Time will tell, and if she does follow through, then time passing will bring you the ability to relax about it.

Working yourself up over it will not help you pass the time in the meanwhile. Asking for reassurance might.

You go on about "true desire" and "true intentions" --- you could believe your wife when she says whatever it is she says her desires/intentions are. Or you could accept that on some level you do not allow yourself to believe your wife. Could spend time figuring out why.

I get this kind of vibe from your post... I could be wrong.

"It is worth it to me to be having outside sex (that's fun but not really what I am after) because it means that I get more sex with my wife at home than before. That's what I am after -- more sex with my wife.

I have a high libido and she does not. So if she has an outside lover, and is spending her libido energy on him over there, what's going to be left for me here at home? Less?

If she thinks I'm a pest and pressuring... what do I have to offer that will bring her back? "The new shiny" that interested her before from me having another lover in T is already wearing off. Now what do I do to keep her interested in me?"
Older thread, but maybe it helps some with your anxiety.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...ernal+validate

What makes you interesting to your wife? Do you know?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-04-2013 at 02:03 PM.
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  #17  
Old 10-10-2013, 09:17 PM
polyman polyman is offline
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Vicarious, I am myself still new to world of polyamory so I don't think I can have any advice for you but I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story cause its kinda similar to mine. I too get aroused by the thought of my wife being a slut and I frequently masturbate imagining her doing it with other men. I thought that I might be alone in that but I'm glad to see that there is other men out there who share this, kink. My problem in this however is that the man my wife has chosen currently to be with is someone I find very repulsive physically so thinking of them together has quite the opposite of arousal feeling for me. More on this in another thread that is awaiting moderator approval.

I also share this "Can't really have arousal when it comes to other women" thing. I'd rather she take other partners and would really love for her to have partners that share this kink of mine and would want to share her in bed at the same time.
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  #18  
Old 10-10-2013, 09:22 PM
polyman polyman is offline
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Vicarious, I am myself still new to world of polyamory so I don't think I can have any advice for you but I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story cause its kinda similar to mine. I too get aroused by the thought of my wife being a slut and I frequently masturbate imagining her doing it with other men. I thought that I might be alone in that but I'm glad to see that there is other men out there who share this, kink. My problem in this however is that the man my wife has chosen currently to be with is someone I find very repulsive physically so thinking of them together has quite the opposite of arousal feeling for me. More on this in another thread that is awaiting moderator approval.
Ah it just got posted: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=57419
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  #19  
Old 10-10-2013, 09:56 PM
Vicarious Vicarious is offline
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Originally Posted by polyman View Post
Vicarious, I am myself still new to world of polyamory so I don't think I can have any advice for you but I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story cause its kinda similar to mine. I too get aroused by the thought of my wife being a slut and I frequently masturbate imagining her doing it with other men. I thought that I might be alone in that but I'm glad to see that there is other men out there who share this, kink. My problem in this however is that the man my wife has chosen currently to be with is someone I find very repulsive physically so thinking of them together has quite the opposite of arousal feeling for me. More on this in another thread that is awaiting moderator approval.

I also share this "Can't really have arousal when it comes to other women" thing. I'd rather she take other partners and would really love for her to have partners that share this kink of mine and would want to share her in bed at the same time.
It is funny that over the last couple of years, while we have had a VERY limited sex life together, I spent much of my time getting off on 'Hotwife' types of sites. This poly path we are on now, is a slow realization that I have always had some wiring for this (mild) kink. Making it real, versus theoretical is the challenge I am working on. It was a great relief to know that M also shares this similar kink with me being with another woman. It helps us come back to us as a couple and sexually getting off on each other's outside fun.

One thing I am excited about is that I have some counseling coming up to start to work on some of my hangups. I'm able to accept we are on a new road, and I am enjoying self-analysis and learning about myself.

That sucks about the other guy...M has a small crush on the local male librarian, that to me is a bit geeky, but that would be a better start for me than the a really hot guy...at least to build on my self confidence. haha
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