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  #1  
Old 10-01-2013, 05:32 PM
Krisdance86 Krisdance86 is offline
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Default Feeling left out.. Being poly but not having multiple partners

Hello all,

I'm having a bit of an issue. My husband, K, and I are poly and he has a steady girlfriend, S. We are a part of a large group of friends that are very much intermingled with people who all have multiple partners. (S is also dating J and M, M is married to P, P is also dating S and R, etc. lots of intermingling).

I find myself feeling left out in this group because I am only with my husband, K. I do consider myself poly and am supportive of it with my husband. I have been on a lot of dates but have not met anyone that I want to have a steady relationship with, for various reasons.

So, I am very happy with my husband, but starting to feel lonely, especially during the times he is with his girlfriend and I am home alone.

Has anyone else been in this type of situation? Where your primary partner and all your friends have multiple relationship and you only have your one primary? How do/did you deal with these feelings of loneliness and inadequacy?
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  #2  
Old 10-02-2013, 12:37 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Default Hmmmm

Being poly, your first relationship should always be with yourself (esp. in poly, you can't count on your partner(s) to always be there for you...they have others they have to take care of/want to be with as well).

So find a way to be happy on your own, whether it's a hobby or just going out somewhere on your own. The happier and more secure you are with yourself, the more others will be drawn to you (if, as it appears, you are looking for other partners). The more you seem to "need" someone, the less attractive you'll be to others.

Also, is there anything stopping you from getting to know your husband's girlfriend, at least as a friend?
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  #3  
Old 10-02-2013, 02:20 AM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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I just go out and do stuff with friends or even.try to make new friends. Like if N and J have a date planned then I will go out with a friend too so I don't feel bored. J and I also go out on lady dates because we are friends and I.also like to make sure there isn't any negativity which I sometimes perceive if I'm feeling a disconnect from someone
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Old 10-02-2013, 02:49 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
How do/did you deal with these feelings of loneliness and inadequacy?
In your actions behavior... you seem to go out with other friends and do stuff. What KIND of stuff? If you go out to sing karaoke and sing sad lonely songs... maybe that activity needs to change for example?

In your thinking behavior what do you think when your spouse is out? You sit around telling yourself WHAT? If you sit around thinking how you are "less than" maybe you need to change your thinks for example?

Could start there -- by examining what is going on around you and within you when spouse is out. What action/thinking behaviors are happening.

Because (to me) feelings ensue after behavior. Don't like the feeling? Find the behavior to change. See if it feels better over time.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-02-2013 at 06:39 PM.
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  #5  
Old 10-02-2013, 04:27 PM
pulliman pulliman is offline
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I like what GalaGirl said, and the question of what you're doing when your husband and his girlfriend are out. What is it you wish you could be doing at that time?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Krisdance86 View Post
So, I am very happy with my husband, but starting to feel lonely, especially during the times he is with his girlfriend and I am home alone.

Has anyone else been in this type of situation? Where your primary partner and all your friends have multiple relationship and you only have your one primary? How do/did you deal with these feelings of loneliness and inadequacy?
Based on your question, it sounds more like an existential issue than a momentary one. You feel lonely when he's out, but your questions are about the structure of his life. He's out with a deeply interwoven web of people. You, on the other hand, are not part of that. You are poly, but don't have the web.

That doesn't make you inadequate! It means you haven't found the right person(s), yet. Since when does that mean you're inadequate? (Hmmm, perhaps everyone ELSE is inadequate )

But you do feel lonely. Which sucks. What would you like to be doing, that would help you feel less lonely?

Another way to ask the question might be, are you jealous of what your husband has and wish he would stop it, or are you envious of what he has and wish you could have it, too?
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  #6  
Old 10-02-2013, 04:38 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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You're friends with all these poly people and feel like you're the only one with only one partner? Did you have another partner or partners til recently? Have you been dating, getting out there? If all the people in your local poly group are "taken" and/or not attracted to you, or you're not attracted to them, you could try OKCupid. It worked for me!

You may not find Mr or Ms Right right away, but you could have some fun dates, maybe some good sex, until true love hits you in the eye like a big pizza pie!
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  #7  
Old 10-03-2013, 05:24 PM
sillyskydragon sillyskydragon is offline
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Default Love yourself first.....

I agree with the love yourself and devolope a good relationship with yourself first.

Seccondly I will put the poly relationship dynamic down for a minuit and take a different approach here.

When you have a problem of any kind, take a minuet and decied what will make you happy and work towards it. If you are doing something you are not happy with make changes accordingly untill you reach your goals. This works with the things we can change in ourselves only. You can not change others only accept them or reject them. Have reasonable expectations in relationship to work spend to achieve your goals.

Third

What is holding you back from making new connections with others and keeping you home?
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  #8  
Old 10-04-2013, 07:20 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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my spouse goes through this, i have a long term boyfriend and our friends have other partners, but he has yet to make a connection. Its frustrating, but he just tries to even just make new friends and still get out there and do stuff. things take time
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  #9  
Old 10-10-2013, 12:42 AM
Lost421 Lost421 is offline
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I feel for you, I have had the same experience. Most of our friends are mono, so it might not be quite the same, but I still understand where you are coming from since my wife has had two pretty lasting connections with other men. I'm happy for her but I'm still dissatisfied that I can't seem to find that for myself. Can't say much but keep trying and hopefully you will find what you are looking for!
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  #10  
Old 10-10-2013, 07:47 PM
central central is offline
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Our mindset is poly, but we've had long stretches where it was just the two of us - monogamous in practice but not in principle. When we first met, she had a long term boyfriend, and I soon met a long-term secondary woman. That latter lasted for several years, but her bf found a primary early on and moved on. Lately, I've again had a secondary for two years, but my wife has had little interest in finding anyone for herself. We are older, so perhaps it's hormonal influences for her at this point.

I think that having or wanting someone else can ebb and flow over time, and it seems that both don't always have someone at the same time. If it bothers you to not have someone else while your partner does, then it may cause some problems - especially if they are not sensitive to the situation. Talking it through, and mutual reassurance helps a lot, as does recognizing that these cycles come and go for many.
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