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Old 09-19-2013, 12:00 PM
Mic Mic is offline
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Default polyamory 2 years

This is the first time I write something in a polyamorous forum, I really would like to share my story with you, Here it is(maybe the way I describe it makes it seem that we only fight but we are very in love):

At the beginning, even if I was in already a relationship with a boyfriend who I was already cheating on with other men, I was monogamous in my mind and already considering breaking up with my boyfriend. Then I met a guy who's polyamorous. I was hurt because he told me that he had a girlfriend after I fell in love with him. In one side I really loved him, in the other side I like doing things unusual so I decided to try. I thought polyamory was a world where everyone was willing to give love, but his girlfriend broke my dream by fighting with me. Then I was attacked and got mad so I fought back. Finally she broke up with him because he didn't agree on her ultimatum to break up with me. These fights between her and me lasted half a year.

He was very hurt by the break of the 6 years relationship they had. I think he kind of blamed it on me. And he felt so bad, unfair and unequal that his ex girlfriend was dating other men and in love with other men who he peacefully and friendly met, but when he started to date others he just faced fights between the women he loved, each behaving extremely territorial and wanting him for themselves alone. So he wanted me to be very supportive for him to meet other girls. At this moment I already started dating other men, but I felt that I had to, I was forced to date them so that I would not put so much attention on him. One of them I even lived with for one month, but it didn't mean so much to me, it's more like a way to avoid getting hurt. After they break up, he was seeing only me during 1 months and delayed meeting an other woman because I wanted him to wait for me to feel good about him meeting others. But he keeps putting me a lot of pressure and I was extremely sensitive. After a while he just got upset and went to meet other women regardless how hurt I was. I remember many times I felt so hurt that I just wanted to die. When I was pushed like that, I was constantly worried so I couldn't calm down to focus my desire about polyamory. We fought more and more. And I was too emotionally attached and dependent on him to break up.

Now we are together two years already. He felt that it didn't work by forcing me to accept polyamory so he decided to back off and let me some room to grow my desire on polyamory.

I really like the concept of polyamory. I don't believe that I can love only one all over my life. I get bored. I like the concept of compersion, but I need more skills to do it. And another problem is that I'm a dependent person so I can't feel good to be alone while he's meeting someone else. I need to become independent. I feel that if he didn't push me to do it before, I'm more advanced now. Anyway now I feel less worried and I really want to do polyamory.

So I need to do two things: 1, be independent; 2, develop compersion. And I need him to do one thing: not put pressure on me.

Thank you for reading this long story, and if you have some doubts about my conclusion or some suggestions or book recommendations on growing independency or compersion, please don't hesitate to tell me

Last edited by Mic; 09-19-2013 at 03:31 PM.
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Old 09-19-2013, 12:59 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mic View Post
So I need to do two things: 1, be independent; 2, develop compersion. And I need him to do one thing: not put pressure on me.
Regardless of the stress of your current relationship, what you wrote here is a great place to focus your efforts.

Read the forums, Golden Nuggets might give you some ideas
Google terms and read articles, "developing independence", "negotiating healthy boundaries", "building self esteem"
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Me: male, 40, straight, single
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Old 09-19-2013, 03:49 PM
Mic Mic is offline
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Thank you
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Old 09-19-2013, 06:06 PM
rosephase rosephase is offline
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What is he pressuring you about? Dating other people?

I can understand him struggling if you are already dating and lived with another guy for a month and don't have room for him to start dating.

I agree that pressuring someone isn't the way to go about that but personally I would really struggle to stay with someone who didn't want me to be open when they are.
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Old 09-20-2013, 01:11 AM
Mic Mic is offline
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Originally Posted by rosephase View Post
What is he pressuring you about? Dating other people?

I can understand him struggling if you are already dating and lived with another guy for a month and don't have room for him to start dating.

I agree that pressuring someone isn't the way to go about that but personally I would really struggle to stay with someone who didn't want me to be open when they are.
yes, about dating other. But I didn't need to date other people, if he said I couldn't date other I would have stopped. I did it only because I didn't want to focus only on him and develop more monogamous illusion.

I agree that he did struggle. I did too. We both did.
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Old 09-27-2013, 07:44 PM
Mic Mic is offline
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We discussed yesterday. He told me that I'm very very important to him. He will never leave me. If I'm hurt, he can back off from anyone, even those who are the hottest and most intelligent. He hold me and said, "I want to include you more in my life, I don't feel we spent enough time together. I want us to be together for the whole life".

I'm so touched. He's really willing to help me and give me enough space to grow. I feel I'm important enough to him. Even someone else becomes important too, I'm still very important to him. I realize that we are so connected to each other. My happiness matters a lot to him, his matters a lot to me too.
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