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  #31  
Old 10-14-2013, 01:05 AM
GreenAcres GreenAcres is offline
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I know the healing will begin at some point. There's a lot going on in my life in some other ways (illness in the family), so I am feeling all of this very acutely right now, and there moments the stress seems unbearable. I know it isn't unbearable, and that I'll come through, but I suspect the healing will take longer to kick in than it might in other circumstances.

We're at a no-contact point (my choice), which sucks big hairy balls right now because I want so badly to hear his voice, but I know is the right decision for the long-term. I just have to keep repeating that to myself.
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  #32  
Old 10-14-2013, 02:43 AM
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I figure when he's ready to man up and make things right with you, he'll let you know.

In the meantime, I'm sorry to hear about the family illness. That doesn't add to the stress, it multiplies it.

Breaking up is a lonely road to travel, isn't it. Lean on Polyamory.com as much as you can.
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  #33  
Old 10-14-2013, 03:37 AM
GreenAcres GreenAcres is offline
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Cool appreciate the collective shoulder

I appreciate the collective community shoulder.

I don't think he'll contact me unless something goes truly and deeply, catastrophically wrong between the two of them, and I doubt that will happen. He wants to do right by her, which I admire and respect, and he can't do out for us both given the situation. So, he will absolutely kill himself to make life "right" for her, because the thought of hurting both of us for "no reason" would be to much for him.

She was, or played (i have no idea which), the weak damsel in distress, and pushed it to a point he was concerned for her safety. He will not, having already made the hard choices that mean us being apart, go there again, I don't think. If she harmed herself, he would never forgive himself. I am not sure he'll ever forgive himself for falling in love with me, for not ending he & I when she and I ended (he begged me to stay and try to be with just him)because he believes her current state is his fault, though she was the one who wanted to bring in another woman. Yes, he has issues with talking responsibility for things that aren't his.

The upshot is that I think he will ignore his own needs, his own pain and throw himself into making her the center of his life, as she wishes, and just do his best to make it work. I want him to be happy, so I hope that works for them. And, that they both realize they shouldn't be bringing others into their relationship, both for themselves, and for any other person they may try to involve.

So, I am not allowing myself the hope that he'll reconsider things and want to do it differently. I can't think like that, it's a roadmap to more hurt.

Note: typing this on my phone, do please ignore any weird autocorrects,I didn't catch.
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  #34  
Old 10-14-2013, 04:21 AM
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Re:
Quote:
"The upshot is that I think he will ignore his own needs, his own pain and throw himself into making her the center of his life, as she wishes, and just do his best to make it work."
Reminds me of my oldest brother; he is a huge believer in self-sacrifice; he believes it's the secret to happiness ... and both wives he (successively) married took full advantage of that. He was always a rescuer. He always had to find someone that was a mess, and throw himself into their life in an attempt to fix it (or smooth it over). Nicest guy in the world. What a shame. He deserves a leedle more in the way of what life has to offer.

You're right, it doesn't sound like your ex-boyfriend's going to be coming back your way. He's found his life's work (as dysfunctional as that is). I just hope she doesn't self-harm and stuff despite his best efforts.

They're definitely not suited for polyamory. Two people's problems is all they have room for in each other's lives.

Sorry you had to find all that out the hard way. Next time it'll be better; you'll meet someone with the wisdom and fairness that you need in your life.
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  #35  
Old 10-14-2013, 02:21 PM
GreenAcres GreenAcres is offline
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Default nail on the head

You pretty much described my ex when you described your brother. Both his wives had/have needed fixing/rescuing. It was hard for him initially that I didn't, that I was strong and independent, which he'd never experienced; but, he also feel in love with it, because for the first time, he wasn't someone's whole life.

It is also, however, why he chose to give in to her. I don't need rescuing and am very definitely the strong one, so the need and demands of the "weaker" one come first in his world. It had actually been a problem for some time, and I kept fighting it (it is also the primaryreason she and I didn't work: I don't handle that kind of emotional fragility in others very well, which I realize is my problem and not anyone else's). This last incident, which precipitated the break up, was definitely caused by that.I also don't believe it is ever someone else fault or responsibility when an adult chooses to self-harm (or threats of self harm) as a way of acting out. We cannot control the actions of others. He, however, believes it's his duty to not let it happen, and for his sake I hope she doesn't do anything (I don't think she will, btw). To me, those kind of threats are emotional blackmail, and I don't negotiate with blackmailers. But, I am not in his shoes, I am not him, and he had to do what he believes is right. It's one of the reasons I love him.

IT is his choice, but I hope, some day, he can find what he deserves in life, whether it is with her because she's changed, or some other way. If they broke up in the future, I would date him again. I know he would like to see me again. But, while they are together, I couldn't. We'd just end up here again I think, and there is a point at which I have to emotionally protect myself. I've never felt the live I do for him, and that joy ifs reflected pretty accurately in the amount of pain I am in now. I can't pour muddled here again knowingly.

He deserves to be happy, and I want that for him. I am trying to be adult enough to wish that for her, too. At the very least, I wish her strength and emotional health enough to help him be happy.
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  #36  
Old 10-14-2013, 03:06 PM
GreenAcres GreenAcres is offline
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Sorry, again, for the word auto-corrects.

I can't go knowingly there again.
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  #37  
Old 10-14-2013, 07:08 PM
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The only thing that convinced my brother to break up with his first wife (cause she psychologically abused him, let me assure you) is that his church teaches strict monogamy, she cheated on him, and then asserted that she'd continue to cheat on him so he'd better deal. For my brother, loyalty to the church comes first. So she made the one mistake she shouldn't have made with him.

But just when everyone thought he was now free to find a healthier relationship, he immediately found another woman with all kinds of psychological problems (and way too many kids, all of them with some kind of mental defect). He took on the entirety of her problems, and today holds the only job in the family, does all the housework, and sees to all of the kids' needs. Plus she monitors and uses his email addy, and sends him on extreme right-wing crusades to try to convince his friends and siblings of the complete evilness of this terrible liberal administration we languish under. She's a paranoid, unhappy person. And he'll never leave her, because she's obsessively loyal to the church and will never commit adultery (as if anyone else would have her).

Unless your ex has some point of honor like my brother did that would trump his need to rescue the unsaveable, I have to conclude that he won't break up with his wife, ever, no matter how much negativity she heaps onto his mind and life. It sounds to me like he, like my brother, is a self-sacrificer. And I can't imagine any incentive his wife would have to change. She gets all the attention and indulgence she wants and needs, after all, as a reward for being desperately needy.

I hope I'm wrong. In the meantime, I would encourage you to scan the horizon for better-suited men for the kind of relationship you seek. Don't let this guy break your heart any longer than necessary. He's determined to stay on his current path. Not saying he doesn't care about you, just saying he's chosen a life of service that won't work for you.
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  #38  
Old 10-14-2013, 07:13 PM
GreenAcres GreenAcres is offline
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Oh, I am definitely not waiting around, note do I think it will happen. Cheating is a deal breaker for him,but I don't think she'll so that either (for which I am good--no one deserves that heart ache). So, I am just working to accept that I still love him, but move on through the pain.
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  #39  
Old 10-14-2013, 07:22 PM
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I compare it to losing someone to mortality. If they pass away, you don't stop loving them. The pain of missing them is extreme when you've just lost them, and that pain and that love will always be affixed to you. It'll just slowly get easier after a long time. Other good things will come into your life. They'll never replace him, but they'll help distance your heart and mind from the extremity of the original loss. You move on, carry a scar, and make peace with it. It's not a process you have to force, it just happens when you've had the time to grieve that you need.
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  #40  
Old 10-14-2013, 07:33 PM
GreenAcres GreenAcres is offline
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Since its been less than 36 hours,,I don't feel too bad about being a total mess who can't stop thinking about him.
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