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  #11  
Old 09-26-2013, 02:02 AM
GreenAcres GreenAcres is offline
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NyCindie, thank you. I may steal that word-for-word. :-) Why can't I be that eloquent when I am talking to him?

I haven't been to their home (other than once to pick him up) in about two months, and I no longer have any real contact with her (both my choice). Unfortunately, it seeps through no matter what (trust me, I've tried to stop it). And, given that she and I will never be able to live together, it pretty much means I'd have to accept always being a secondary to their relationship, which I am not willing to do in a long-term polyfi (hey, I want someone to help me do my laundry, too ;-0 )

While I know it's the mature thing, my heart is breaking. I keep wanting to try and find ways to make it work, as does he, but really...it just keeps not getting fixed. There's a shot his schedule will change to something more akin to mine in a month or two, but then the schedule problem will be that her's hasn't, so days off together for he and I won't happen. It's essentially the worst of all worlds in terms of scheduling, which is rough enough when you're a mono couple trying to make it work. But, trying to do that with three is a feat of Herculean proportions that is incredibly stressful, and someone always misses out on a hefty chunk of bonding time.

*starts memorizing your post*
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  #12  
Old 09-26-2013, 09:23 PM
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Sounds like his wife feels threatened by you, and for some reason she has to compete with you. I take it you aren't "officially secondary," but because of being separated from them and not being able to share the day-to-day stuff, you *feel* like you've been relegated to a secondary status.

Living together would probably alleviate the "secondary" problem, but it would also expose you to more of the wife's passive-aggressive drama, so you'd only be trading one problem for another.

In a general sense, I think poly-fi V's "can" work, but it requires certain logistics and virtues depending on the situation. First, having all three people live together makes things easier on the "hinge" of the V. Second, each "arm" of the V needs a certain amount of independence and ability to be alone. In your case, the wife seems to be a needy, clingy person, which means she will absorb most/all of the time her husband has available outside work. Finally, all three people in the V need to be treated as equals, which could not happen in your situation for several (wife-related) reasons.

The man in this V needs to be "freed up" to lavish all of his attentions on his wife, so removing yourself from that dynamic is actually the best thing for all three of you. Doesn't mean there's any easy way to do it, though.
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  #13  
Old 09-28-2013, 01:42 AM
GreenAcres GreenAcres is offline
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Kevin, that pretty much nails it. I agree she feels threatened by me. She has very low self-esteem, so she feels threatened by a great deal in life; and, much of her acting out is, I think, directly related to that. It's unfortunate that she's in such a headspace, because no one should be; but, it's also not something I want the responsibility for "fixing," or putting up with (does that make me a bitch? I don't know, maybe, but that doesn't change how I feel about it).

They've both declared me also a "primary," but we all know that's just blowing smoke. It's an easy thing to say, a much more difficult thing to actually execute. And, for all the reasons you list, it's not a functional Vee. He doesn't actually want to be free to lavish all of his attention on her; but, it's something he's agree to accept, tacitly or implicitly, over the last 5 years of their relationship it seems.

We had the initial talk last night. It didn't go well. We're not officially over, but that is clearly where it's going and he's aware.

I hate breakups. I hate them more when I don't want to be doing it. He's amazing. We are amazing together. And, I have to be honest, it's the best sex I've ever had (and I haven't spent my life having bad sex).

*sigh*
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  #14  
Old 09-28-2013, 01:50 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GreenAcres View Post
NyCindie, thank you. I may steal that word-for-word. :-) Why can't I be that eloquent when I am talking to him? . . .

*starts memorizing your post*
You are that eloquent! Those were all your own words to begin with! I just put them together.

It sounds like you know what you need to do. Good luck!
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  #15  
Old 09-28-2013, 08:57 PM
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Hopefully it won't take too much longer to get that break-up over with. Sorry to hear that you're losing so much in the relationship you had with him.
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  #16  
Old 09-29-2013, 12:56 AM
GreenAcres GreenAcres is offline
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Kevin, thank you. It's hard. While I am pretty happy either as poly or in the right mono, the reality is I find very few people of either sex I am interested in relationships with. So, when I find one, it really sucks to lose them. The same is true of sexual interest. I am voracious sexually, and prefer varied and somewhat kinky sex; but, there's very few people I am interested in doing it with. My former triad was amazing because of this. Ah, well, I foresee some time on my own now, which is also good.

The breakup won't drag on, if only because I am not a patient person, really. There are some details to work out.
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  #17  
Old 09-29-2013, 01:17 AM
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Well, do keep us posted as we're pulling for you ... Sorry about the pending trip through the sex/relationships desert, that sucks. Do you think you and the guy you're with will remain friends after the break-up? Maybe not, due to his wife, eh?

With sympathies,
Kevin T.
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  #18  
Old 09-30-2013, 02:23 AM
GreenAcres GreenAcres is offline
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Default Probably not

I don't think it's going to end with us not being friends, but I do think it will end with us not talking to one another for a long while. Not so much because of his wife, per se (though I suspect that will also be an issue). More because I don't think we'll be able to be together and not connect emotionally, which would be very difficult for me since I don't really want to be losing him in the first place. Maybe eventually, once there's some space, we will be able to be friendlier (assuming the wife issue isn't..well, and issue). But, initially, I think I'l need some time and distance to heal myself from the breakup.

The good news is I am pretty happy on my own. I was alone for quiet some time before I hooked up with them both, and loved it, actually. I'm very active, have a job I love, and a good social life. So, combine that with my toy collection, and I'll be okay I'll definitely keep you all updated!
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  #19  
Old 09-30-2013, 09:53 PM
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Re:
Quote:
"Initially, I think I'll need some time and distance to heal myself from the breakup."
Ah, I see what you mean, that makes sense.

Sounds like at least you won't have to plummet to the depths of despair from being alone, so to say. Best wishes anyway for you to find a new romance though, at least before the aloneness starts to try your patience!

Regards,
Kevin T.
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  #20  
Old 10-05-2013, 11:33 PM
GreenAcres GreenAcres is offline
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The promised update:

So, that ended explosively. Short version: okay, ,there is no short version. Another drama happened that impacted me directly, and that was that. I realize that's vague, but given I think one or both of them reads these boards, that's about all I can say.

It hurts. A lot. But, I have other things to focus on right now, and a great life to live.
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