Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 09-25-2013, 01:09 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,360

Please listen to the other posters on this, not just me. Please consider getting a marriage counselor.

I guess my reasoning was, essentially what drives us apart is fuzzy feelings of something new.
What drives you apart is paying attention to other people at the expense of paying attention to the marriage. The fuzzy NRE feelings for a new crush? That might be the REASON behind the behavior. But the actual behavior of "not paying attention to my marriage" is the thing driving you apart.

I know that slices it fine, but it matters. What the actual BEHAVIOR is. You could have warm fuzzies for someone else and still manage your time so you spend time with your spouse. It's not about the fuzzies. It's about your time management.

You seem to believe sharing a GF will bring you together. Actually, what will bring you together is deciding to be spending time together. Again... time management.

Way back when this all started and you both cheated? Check it out:

Myself and my wife have been together for 13 years, married for 8 and have been strictly mono. A few years ago we both "lightly cheated" right about the same time (no actual sex, supposedly, but it did get physical) but if not found out/caught, probably would have eventually got to sex. I have realized we both must have been missing something for it to be timed so perfect. We decided to try and work it out and continued our marriage. Since then, to sum it up, we have both engaged in flirtatious conversations and maybe even some "more than just a friend emotions" with others which eventually "again" had means to get deeper if not found out.
You know something was missing in the marriage.

You both decide to fix it.

But then go putting the focus on spending time with other people instead of spending time tending the marriage.

You already know that did not work. Could not repeat that.

Could try something you have not done yet -- see a counselor to HELP you make the repair plan this time. When you guys made the repair plan before, the plan did not serve your needs well. It does not seem you made a plan. It sounds like you agreed it needed to be fixed, but you didn't know HOW to go about actually fixing. You both could get help with that this time.

Could try something you have not done yet -- date each other, pay attention to the marriage. Rather than dating other people and paying attention to them. Figure out what was missing in the first place. I wonder if you both got bored with your roles.

You mention a 3 year old -- did you guys get run down with baby blues and in tending to baby, forget to tend to each other? Forget to get a baysitter to make times to be relating as an ADULT couple? Rather than only relating to each other in mommy-daddy parent mode?

Then the new people provided that kind of attention -- "See me as more than a parent! See me as an adult person!" and you both were starved for that kind of attention?

Could that be some of it?


Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-25-2013 at 06:29 PM.
Reply With Quote
Old 09-25-2013, 01:28 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is online now
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 1,413

Originally Posted by Stevefromtexas View Post
If we were to find someone new together as a team and all three of us were okay with it then we all three get the fuzzy feelings and there's no need to do it behind each other's back.
Do you find it likely that your wife will get a lot of fuzzy feelings from you getting another girlfriend?

Originally Posted by Stevefromtexas View Post
Once again sex is not my motivation.
For your wife at least. You really don't seem to be connecting with the fact that your wife is heterosexual and will only have the distinct privilege of watching *you* have a new girlfriend.

While I agree with everyone else that it would just be cruel to seek out a new lover so that you can use it as a bandaid, mediator, and all purpose chew toy for your failing marriage, I also recognize that there is an extraordinarily low chance that anyone would even want to. Anyone who *would* want to involve themselves in arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic is not going to be a stable human being.
Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
Reply With Quote
Old 09-25-2013, 08:15 PM
Stevefromtexas Stevefromtexas is offline
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 7

From the overwhelming similar responses therapy seems is the best answer. I accept that I have a hard time letting it all go in order to move forward and now with everyone's help realize that is what I must do. This has been enlightening and very helpful to me and my emotions and even though this is an internet forum and I'll probably never meet any of you all, I can't help feel that a lot of what I said, maybe by the way I said it was taken out of context. Many of you have responded as if sex was my underlying motivation or the fact that the potential GF would have been a mediator for our past. This is not what I meant. I would not expect that of anyone. I was just saying for future "minor disagreements between any 2 of us, the third person whether it be my wife, the GF, or myself could help. Hell, even if there was no sex, I'd (and would hope all parties) would appreciate the emotional aspect of the relationship.
Reply With Quote
Old 09-25-2013, 09:12 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

No, we understand you loud and clear - don't worry about that. It's just that each of us has chosen to focus our responses on what stands out the most to us about your situation. Just because the answers you've been getting aren't what you'd hoped to hear or are way different from what you expected does not mean we have misconstrued your situation.

Your HETEROSEXUAL wife enjoys having the attention of other men, and she enjoyed getting that kind of attention in social situations with them. You felt betrayed by her friendships with other men because there was attraction and flirting going on. You think that the fact she socialized with these guys is a much worse transgression than your attractions to other women were, simply because you didn't socialize with those women - though you were sexting with them? So you and your wife talk and she tells you she wants you to be more loving toward her, but you feel like she doesn't deserve more than you give her now because she has these flirty friendships and that's just not right. So, instead, you think that, since both of you get excited about being desired by others, maybe you should have lovers. BUT, there is no way in hell you will allow her to have a boyfriend, so you propose to your HETEROSEXUAL wife that she share a girlfriend with you. Still, you think she might not really want that and is only listening to what you're saying in order to not make waves. So, you don't really trust her - but you think it would be cool to have a second woman to be involved with, someone who could love you both and help you through rough patches - so why shouldn't she? Oh, but you never thought about how your unstable marriage would adversely affect that additional woman, nor what she would want. Oy.

- - -
If you are serious about polyamory, you will have to accept the fact that your wife is STRAIGHT and if she wants to have a lover, she will want a MAN. I don't know why another penis is so threatening to you, but that is a moot point anyway, given that your marriage is just not strong enough for polyamory yet. The only couples that succeed in having satisfying polyamorous situations are the ones where they are strong in the foundation of their partnership, stable emotionally, trust each other, and are not stingy with their love.

There is a better quality of relationship she wants from you, where she wants to feel you deeply love her (obviously because she loves you deeply), but you are directing so much anger at her, simply because she had male friends she was attracted to, that you dig in your heels and will not look at how bereft of love from you she feels. You might want to accept that perhaps she was enjoying those flirtations because there was nothing satisfying in her marriage emotionally - everyone wants to feel desired. Each of you are 100% responsible for your relationship - you really think that finding another woman to be romantically and sexually involved with will do more good than sitting down with a therapist and examining the issues, each of you speaking up about what you want and what went wrong, developing greater intimacy and deeper levels of trusting each other, and making efforts emotionally and practically to repair the damage? Therapy with someone who asks difficult questions and offers insights with an aim to do all those things will do you a world of good!

Maybe some day poly will be right for you, but NOT NOW. Some couples take a year or two to strengthen their relationships before embarking on poly - that is not a bad thing! You have a relationship that needs healing and your utmost attention in order to do that. Adding other people into the mix - with their own needs, wants, dramas, baggage, psychological issues, and quirks - will only get in the way and most likely would be the nail in the coffin of your marriage!
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 09-25-2013 at 09:22 PM.
Reply With Quote
Old 09-25-2013, 09:15 PM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,642

Steve I am going to be blunt.... Polyamory has been one of the hardest things ever on my marriage and Butch and I have been through hell and back together.

We had a pretty solid marriage. Butch knew my history of serial monogamy before me. When I got the 7, in my case 9 year itch, he bluntly brought up Polyamory. He had never had a partner outside our marriage. Only I have.

Poly has magnified hell shown a spot light on the flaws in our marriage. Poly is not always a bonding agent Most of the time it is not. I am sure Butch wishes I wasn't this way. I know Murf wishes I wasn't. Heck this this is a lot of work. I have two other peoples wants to consider. Not enough hours of the day. Kids to think of on top of that.

Poly isn't all fun times.
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.
Reply With Quote
Old 09-25-2013, 09:55 PM
Stevefromtexas Stevefromtexas is offline
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 7

Nycindie, thank you so much for your last response. It shows that I was understood fully. Due to everyone's responses I know what needs to be done. I did not start this thread with any premeditated expectations for a certain response. I came in with an open mind and willing to listen to any and all comments. Some of which were different than what I expected, but none of which were "not what I wanted to hear. At this point, I still feel like I can love more than one person, but realize I need to fix us first. What the future holds, I don't know, but at least the path to get there is clear. Once again thank you to everyone that responded, you have been a great help. I appreciate the mature responses without ridicule or other "kiddish" tones.
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 02:10 PM.