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  #11  
Old 09-25-2013, 09:36 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Is your wife bisexual? Perhaps I misunderstood, but I gathered from your post that she's not. It's just that you're more squicked out by the thought of being involved with a guy than she is by the thought of being involved with a gal so you've decided that she can just suck it up and have a sexual relationship with someone she's not actually attracted to. If so, that line of reasoning is all kinds of fucked up.
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  #12  
Old 09-25-2013, 10:50 AM
Stevefromtexas Stevefromtexas is offline
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No she is not bi sexual however it's is not like you assume where I am trying to force it upon her. We have spoke about this and while she did not say yes she did not seem too bothered by it either. I explained and she played devils advocate and said "while why don't we get a BF?" After speaking about it she seemed more okay with a GF. Please don't mistake me in that I am not trying to force this, and at this point it was just something that came to mind. Forgive me if I am coming off insulting as that is not my objective.
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  #13  
Old 09-25-2013, 11:08 AM
london london is offline
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Why can't you have a girlfriend on your own?
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  #14  
Old 09-25-2013, 11:13 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Get yourself a therapist not a girlfriend.

For Goodness sakes your wife is not even bisexual. In what universe could this ever work out well?

Work on getting that wanted feeling back from your wife or end the marriage. Do not bring some poor woman into your mess.
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  #15  
Old 09-25-2013, 11:54 AM
Flowerchild Flowerchild is offline
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Default Yep, you are being unreasonable.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Stevefromtexas View Post
No she is not bi sexual however it's is not like you assume where I am trying to force it upon her. We have spoke about this and while she did not say yes she did not seem too bothered by it either. I explained and she played devils advocate and said "while why don't we get a BF?" After speaking about it she seemed more okay with a GF. Please don't mistake me in that I am not trying to force this, and at this point it was just something that came to mind. Forgive me if I am coming off insulting as that is not my objective.
Honestly, I don't feel you're coming off as insulting. You're coming across as ignorant. Suppose I were a bisexual female interested in a couple, as you want. Or maybe you don't care if I'm gay, straight, bi, whatever....you think you can talk me into wanting to experiment with you and your wife, you clearly don't really care if your wife is into me, why would you care if I was into both you and your wife, so long as I'm willing to have sex with both?

But, let's say that I am a bi female. Tell me, what's in it for me? To be the plaything of a couple that sees me as an object? Your tone shows no indication that you have considered my feelings, sensing a lot of couple privilege here. I'm supposed to want to be with a woman who is "okay" with me? Yeah, super flattering. And I'm supposed to be the solution to a broken marriage. Probably expected to develop the same feelings for both of you simultaneously, otherwise I risk the wife getting jealous and discarding me at her whim. Lovely. So, again, what's in it for me? Are you going to spoil me silly with lots of trips, clothes, jewelry, etc? Are you going to indulge me in all my bedroom fantasies?
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  #16  
Old 09-25-2013, 11:59 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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"Bring in" another woman to be your mediator!!??? Holy shit, who the hell would want that. I can't imagine anyone saying, "Here I am, loves. Just fuck me and I'll help you with all your problems. I don't want a real relationship of my own, don't worry."

It sounds like you are desperate to fix things but out of desperation are making really ridiculous suggestions that are just doomed to fail.

Therapy, therapy, therapy! Start looking for a good therapist. Do it now. Today.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #17  
Old 09-25-2013, 12:08 PM
Stevefromtexas Stevefromtexas is offline
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Clearly from all of your responses it shows that I am not thinking clearly. I appreciate the honesty in helping me out. I suppose I was just looking for an option to add some emotional spark to our marriage without considering all the factors involved.
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  #18  
Old 09-25-2013, 12:27 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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If there's a little bit of boredom, a spark can work, like saying "let's do more fun things together." But when a marriage is crumbling, and hearts are breaking, what kid of remedy is adding a spark going to be? It would only be superficial and not enough, like putting a little Band-aid on a huge, gaping wound.

You don't need a spark, you need to go deeper into yourselves and look inward, and be brave enough to share with each other. Don't look for outside remedies like extra sex partners or something like that, which might drive you further apart! The answers you need are all in you, both of you.

I suggest, in addition to therapy, reading this book: Journey of the Heart by John Welwood. It's all about regaining intimacy, deepening love, and communicating in love relationships. Highly recommend! He also wrote other books called Love and Awakening and Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships, and holds workshops for couples. On his website, John Welwood says: "True intimacy is only possible when two people connect being-to being. The conditioned personality functions in defensive, reactive ways, and is therefore incapable of real intimacy . . . [A] deeper quality of presence-- more than any strategy or technique-- is what provides a true resolution to most relationship problems." I've only read Journey of the Heart. It's a classic, and brilliant.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 09-25-2013 at 12:31 PM.
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  #19  
Old 09-25-2013, 12:42 PM
Stevefromtexas Stevefromtexas is offline
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I guess my reasoning was, essentially what drives us apart is fuzzy feelings of something new. If we were to find someone new together as a team and all three of us were okay with it then we all three get the fuzzy feelings and there's no need to do it behind each other's back. Once again sex is not my motivation. As far as her being our mediator, I feel it's been taken out of context. What I meant was whichever two of us are having a disagreement about any issue that comes with a relationship , the third unbiased person (me, wife, GF)could act as the mediator. Not the "she is our sex toy, mediator, who we truly care nothing about, that was chosen by only me, who is essentially forcing my wife to be with even though she has no feelings for her." This would all be a "team effort" for the three of us. Once again I appreciate all your comments. GalaGirl you have been awesome!
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  #20  
Old 09-25-2013, 01:07 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Now how would someone be unbiased if they have a personal stake with the people involved?

Your logic is screwed up on so many levels. You are just looking to torpedo your marriage and sink it once and for all.

Your wife is STRAIGHT with no interest in pursuing other women yet you want to bring another woman into the marriage to fix things. WHAT THE DEUCE? Nothing like being forced into a relationship with someone you are not physically or emotionally into. How would you feel if your wife forced you into a relationship with a man?
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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