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Old 09-22-2013, 03:15 PM
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FurryPixie FurryPixie is offline
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Default Insecurity issues

I'm very new to polyamory and I'm now facing a major issue: my boyfriend has a first date with someone else this week and I'm feeling very, very insecure. He told me while we were chatting and my initial reaction was almost throwing up...

The good part is that instead of just letting myself getting caught in a downward spiral of negative emotions, I started really thinking about it and that has helped tremendously. I was able to identify my feelings and I'm not jealous, I'm just very scared of losing him because of my very low self esteem(even though I know intellectually that I don't suck, I still feel deep down like everyone else is by default better than me...) and my insecurity issues.

Also, our relationship is very, very new and it usually takes me a long time before I feel comfortable discussing my feelings in depth with someone. I'm not there yet with him, so it's hard for me... And it's all going so fast, I have to admit that I don't understand why he wants another new relationship so soon. We're still deep into NRE and I don't want that to stop just because someone else comes into the picture...

So I've identified my feelings and know where they come from. Now I'm stuck. I guess I'm hoping for an outside point of view... Thanks for being there
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  #2  
Old 09-22-2013, 05:38 PM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Welcome to the Forum...and Poly!


Quote:
Originally Posted by FurryPixie View Post
The good part is that instead of just letting myself getting caught in a downward spiral of negative emotions, I started really thinking about it and that has helped tremendously. I was able to identify my feelings and I'm not jealous, I'm just very scared of losing him because of my very low self esteem(even though I know intellectually that I don't suck, I still feel deep down like everyone else is by default better than me...) and my insecurity issues.
For someone supposedly newish to poly, you seem to have really good instincts. Dwelling on the negative is rarely useful, and digging at the real roots I find provides better clarity about what the "actual" problems are. I understand what you're saying about insecurity issues very well...unfortunately I can't suggest any really good fixes...since I haven't remedied that one my own self.



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Originally Posted by FurryPixie View Post
Also, our relationship is very, very new and it usually takes me a long time before I feel comfortable discussing my feelings in depth with someone. I'm not there yet with him, so it's hard for me... And it's all going so fast, I have to admit that I don't understand why he wants another new relationship so soon. We're still deep into NRE and I don't want that to stop just because someone else comes into the picture...
This part you might need to find a new angle to work from. It's easy to spiral or get off-track on worst case imaginary scenarios if you're not actually talking about what's bothering you. Or at the very least, find a way to communicate what you might need from your partner, reassurance, or whatever, to mitigate the issues that are bothering you.

As for the NRE....it's a transitory thing anyways....it will end when it ends...and I'm not sure there's much of a way to put a finger on the when's and why's of that happening, so there's no point in worrying about it dissipating with a new metamore in the picture. Enjoy it for what it is and be present in the moment, ... after all, it's very much a here and now thing, which doesn't react well to future tension at the best of times.
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Old 09-22-2013, 08:06 PM
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I was able to identify my feelings and I'm not jealous, I'm just very scared of losing him because of my very low self esteem and my insecurity issues.
That is the definition of jealousy.

Google "dealing with jealousy", "building self esteem", "learning to be alone" or whatever issues you are dealing with. Keep an eye out for suggested readings or exercises which you can immediately take action on.

People learn to deal with their own insecurities in very different ways - and it is firmly in the control of the person experiencing them. Therapy, exercise, social immersion, projects and hobbies, etc... you just need to find what works for you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by FurryPixie View Post
.. And it's all going so fast, I have to admit that I don't understand why he wants another new relationship so soon. We're still deep into NRE and I don't want that to stop just because someone else comes into the picture...
You are close enough to become nauseous at the thought of his seeing another girl, but you are not close enough to have an adult and honest conversation with him? That configuration is likely to make having healthy relationships very difficult for you (the current issue is a great example).

Add "building intimacy" to your list of Google searches.
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Old 09-23-2013, 03:30 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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I'm sorry you hurt.

Let me sum that up to see if I understand that. ( I could be wrong.)
  • I am seeing a relatively new guy.
  • It usually takes me a long time before I feel comfortable discussing my feelings in depth with someone. I'm not there with him.
  • I have low self esteem issues.
  • What I really want is "just us" for a while so we can enjoy the NRE between us.
  • I agree to polyship and put myself in a situation where I don't get what I really want(which is a bummer), I have to be open about my feelings ASAP(skill I don't have in general, and don't have built up with him yet) and deal with a lot of multi-relationship scheduling and stress. (when I'm an anxious person by nature).
  • This is me helping me to reduce stress in my life HOW?
  • This is me helping me to feel secure and stable in my life HOW?

You are responsible for your own well being. You could not agree to participate in things that you do not really want to do (willingness) or cannot do well at this time because you need to grow skills first (ability.) In this case, you could not be polyshipping right now.

Here's the choices I see:

You could listen to your feelings trying to tell you something.
Almost throwing up over a date is mega anxious. You could change your mind about participating in a polyship at this time and not expose yourself to this level of stress at this time. Because if he has other relationships, sooner or later it will go lover. Then what? You will explode?

I think you could spend more time dealing with stress management skills first. THEN decide if your personality/skills are suited to polyshipping or not.
You could ignore how you feel right now and continue to polyship.
See if you can grow the skills "along the way" and just cope with the stress "along the way too." Maybe these could help:

Jealousy:
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...ed_10-6-10.pdf
http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/p.../jealousy.html
Right now you sound like you are not coping WELL... so I wouldn't pick continuing to polyship at this time... But I'm not you.

HTH!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-23-2013 at 03:44 AM.
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  #5  
Old 09-25-2013, 03:30 PM
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FurryPixie FurryPixie is offline
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Thank you for your responses! I read them a few days ago but didn't take the time to answer! They did help orient my reflections a lot, I really need to work on my self esteem, poly or not, because it's causing me a lot of problems.

So, yes, this will be hard for me, but I've already figured out a couple of things. I went into this head first, with a bunch of mono ideas still working in the background that I didn't really take time to think about. I was expecting things I don't even want or need, just because that's what I was conditioned to do, I guess(like spending all our time together and eventually getting married and having children! ). AND I was anxious because we're not a perfect match, while that shouldn't be a problem if we're poly... And I already have someone else in my life who does share the interests he doesn't, anyway.

We have fun together and love is blossoming, so I should just stop worrying and focus on enjoying it instead!
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Bob: 35, nesting partner of 4 years, father of my children, straight, not mono but not sure if poly.
Joe: 25, new boyfriend, straight, poly.
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  #6  
Old 09-25-2013, 03:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FurryPixie View Post
I was expecting things I don't even want or need, just because that's what I was conditioned to do, I guess
It's easy to do. Most of our worldview runs in the background without our knowledge, so it's no wonder that when we attempt to make a fundamental shift in our behavior that we end up at odds with what our minds are instinctively telling us to do.

Fortunately when you shine a light on that stuff (like you are doing now) it falls within your realm of ability to change.
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Old 09-25-2013, 06:02 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
It's easy to do. Most of our worldview runs in the background without our knowledge, so it's no wonder that when we attempt to make a fundamental shift in our behavior that we end up at odds with what our minds are instinctively telling us to do.

Fortunately when you shine a light on that stuff (like you are doing now) it falls within your realm of ability to change.
Agree. check out a thread i posted on committment and secondaries where I ask everyone about my boyfriend dating, there are good responses. One thing Nudge and I have done is try to do more social things together, and that makes me feel mroe relaxed about his meeting other people.
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Old 09-25-2013, 06:25 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Quote:
I was expecting things I don't even want or need, just because that's what I was conditioned to do, I guess(like spending all our time together and eventually getting married and having children! ). AND I was anxious because we're not a perfect match, while that shouldn't be a problem if we're poly... And I already have someone else in my life who does share the interests he doesn't, anyway.
That sounds like you've made quite leap forward then and are willing to let go of some expectations that don't serve you at this time. That's seems to be serving you better.

Galagirl
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