Does it help to ask him to back off?

[Mic]

A is a guy who has been with me for two years, B is a girl he met half a year ago. I'm in a relationship with B too but B is closer to A than me. I'm hurt that they get intimate and when he shows that he likes her. Should I ask him to back off? If so, I feel very guilty and pressed to improve on polyamory. If not I'm hurt and worried. What do you think?

[london]

I don't think you should ask him to back off. I think you should reexamine why you are in a polyamorous relationship, if this triad would be better off as a vee and why you don't feel secure in your relationship with A.

[Numina]

QUOTE=Mic;232850]A is a guy who has been with me for two years, B is a girl he met half a year ago. I'm in a relationship with B too but B is closer to A than me. I'm hurt that they get intimate and when he shows that he likes her. Should I ask him to back off? If so, I feel very guilty and pressed to improve on polyamory. If not I'm hurt and worried. What do you think?[/QUOTE]

Seems to me you could benefit with some self explorations, and research into topics that relate to relationship in general, Poly, and to your specific situation.

Here are a couple place I suggest you start. I found all of them via great people in this forum, and have found the information to be valuable.

Morethantwo-perhaps start with the jealous sections, but really everything at this site is worth reading at least once.

and Polyinthepond.

I don't advocate asking him to "back off" (which is not a clearly defined request). But you might ask for what you need to not feel so uncomfortable.

I suggest asking for partner care from both of them. Let them both know this is making you uncomfortable, talk to them and work at finding the reason WHY it makes you uncomfortable. Asking for less PDA in front of you for a short (week or two) is understandable while you work through this issue, but more than that could cause unhealthy strain between the three of you, and create resentment.

Asking and negotiating for what you need is ok, so long as you acknowledge to them that you see what you are asking for is going to be hard for them, and you show them that you are working on understanding how you feel. I am makings a guess that this is coming up because of a dose of NRE between A and B. If so then this article might help you.

I wish you luck in working this our for yourself, and for your relationships.

[GalaGirl]

A dates you for 2 years.
A dates B for 6 months.
You are dating B now... for how long?

I'm hurt that they get intimate and when he shows that he likes her.

What is causing the hurt? What would you like instead?

A showing you that A likes you too?
B showing you that B likes you too?
Not to have to witness it in front of you at this time?
Something else?

Could you elaborate?

Galagirl

[Mic]

Originally Posted by GalaGirl

A dates you for 2 years.
A dates B for 6 months.
You are dating B now... for how long?



What is causing the hurt? What would you like instead?

A showing you that A likes you too?
B showing you that B likes you too?
Not to have to witness it in front of you at this time?
Something else?

Could you elaborate?

Galagirl

A and I are together for two years, we are very much in love but there are many fights between us. A and B started to date 6 months ago when I was in another country. I was not ready for A to meet others at that moment but he forced it regardless how hurt I was. After one month I came back and I met B, I find her lovely and we got intimate. Then we three hung out, I felt fluid love among us, we all show affection to each other, but still sometimes I found it very difficult to see A showing affection to B. And I felt B was more interested in A even she said that she liked A and me the same. I felt left out easily when they were showing affection to each other. At some stage we spent several days constantly together, it became too much to take, I got over sensitive and became emotional easily. After two weeks I met B, she went back to her country.

We sent emails or skype sometimes when she was in her country. Now she came back. ( probably she will go back to her country in two or three months. ) I'm very worried that they will force me to accept things I don't like and that I'm gonna feel left out when we'll be together.

But because we are all in a relationship and I do like B too, so it's easier for me to have compersion for them. But I'm over sensitive and I need them to do things in my pace. For example, I'm ready for them to spend an afternoon alone. If I find everything fine, I may be more open.

Now A is in another country for maybe two month. I meet him there for 2 weeks. B propose to meet A there alone for several days.

If they spend one night together now, I would feel left out and sad that I'm alone. If they force to do so, I hate them. If they spend several days together, I will be constantly worried and unconnected, resentful that I couldn't meet A because we are not in the country now and may become extremely emotional.

So I ask B not to meet A in another country but meet me more alone to get closer so that the relationship between us three will be balanced. She agreed but then I heard from another friend that B told him that I prevent her from meeting A. Maybe the way we communicated was not good because I misunderstood her English and I got freaked out easily. Now I feel very guilty to ask that. I don't know whether I can trust B that she will not do things that hurt me even she said so. A is patient and would like to back off but I worried how long he can do this because I saw him feel very desperate and hopeless.

[GalaGirl]

A and I are together for two years, we are very much in love but there are many fights between us. A and B started to date 6 months ago when I was in another country. I was not ready for A to meet others at that moment but he forced it regardless how hurt I was. After one month I came back and I met B, I find her lovely and we got intimate. Then we three hung out, I felt fluid love among us, we all show affection to each other,but still sometimes I found it very difficult to see A showing affection to B.

So... has A apologized for this past behavior? Lack of care/concern/kindness/affection for you that are still unresolved issues between you and A?

Which now makes it hard for you to watch A demonstrate care/concern/kindness/affection toward B.

Because you see that he is ABLE to do it. He's just did not do it toward you in the past. Maybe you want him to be doing it NOW.

Is that where this is parked at?

If so, you could stop blocking B in the (B+ A) relationship development because you envy what she is getting from A. Stopping her from getting it doesn't mean it will automatically flow to you. A could start giving it to his car instead!

You could focus on improving the (you + A) relationship and solving these past issues so you can feel ok. Ask him straight up for what you need in the (you + A) relationship.

See if that serves you better.

GL!
Galagirl

[Inyourendo]

Originally Posted by Mic

A is a guy who has been with me for two years, B is a girl he met half a year ago. I'm in a relationship with B too but B is closer to A than me. I'm hurt that they get intimate and when he shows that he likes her. Should I ask him to back off? If so, I feel very guilty and pressed to improve on polyamory. If not I'm hurt and worried. What do you think?

No, imo you need to work out your own stuff. I'm assuming b is a's gf? Of course he Luke's her and us going to show it. I'd it bothers you that b is closer to a perhaps you should find a partner of your own.

[Marcus]

Originally Posted by Mic

A even she said that she liked A and me the same.. so that the relationship between us three will be balanced.

This is fantasy. Every relationship I have with a human is unique to that human. Trying to convince myself that they are "the same" is an exercise in futility.

You expecting that you should be loved "equally" or "the same" or "balanced" as your partner loves someone else (if indeed that is your expectation) is going to continue to provide frustration for you. Instead try to shape your language for something closer to "my relationship to him is unique, and I am glad he is in my life" and let go of what someone else is getting. Envy is not the friend of a healthy and flourishing relationship (romantic or otherwise).

Originally Posted by Mic

I felt left out easily when they were showing affection to each other... If they spend one night together now, I would feel left out and sad that I'm alone... If they spend several days together, I will be constantly worried and unconnected, resentful that I couldn't meet A because we are not in the country now and may become extremely emotional.

This is fear of abandonment and an apparent inability to "be alone".

Instead, focus on making yourself into a person whose skin you are comfortable in. There is no universal formula for improving self image and independence, but here are some ideas:

• Improve your social circle so that you are not depending on your lovers to entertain you
• Get a hobby which you enjoy and helps you feel like you are being productive
• Seek therapy to help shift your worldview to a more self-sufficient emotional approach

Originally Posted by Mic

If they force to do so, I hate them.

Take responsibility for your own decisions. If they decide they want to spend time together, regardless of your wishes to the contrary, you get to decide how you respond. Control *your* actions and feelings and avoid focusing on what they are doing.

[Mic]

Originally Posted by GalaGirl

Lack of care/concern/kindness/affection for you that are still unresolved issues between you and A?

Because you see that he is ABLE to do it. He's just did not do it toward you in the past. Maybe you want him to be doing it NOW.

A is someone who's naturally poly and never felt jealous. He thought he should do whatever he wanted even I felt bad because he was afraid if he did as I wanted, I would develop monogamous illusion. I would say he wasn't patient because of his bad experience before. (after 6 years patiently waiting, the girl broke up with him after he met me ) I can understand that. But it still hurt me and he never apologized for his lack of patience with me in the past.

Recently he realized that his strategy didn't work, it just wasted time. I couldn't develop desire for polyamory while I was worried about being forced constantly. So he changed his strategy now and becomes more much patient. He is willing to do things in my pace.

He agreed not to meet B abroad, he even told me that he could break up with B if I feel really bad. What he said makes me much more relaxed. I have some space to improve in my own pace now.

Originally Posted by GalaGirl

Which now makes it hard for you to watch A demonstrate care/concern/kindness/affection toward B.

The reason why I don't feel good to see A and B showing affection to each other, I feel left out when they do so for a long time. I'm dependent on his affection.

[Flowerchild]

Originally Posted by Mic

So I ask B not to meet A in another country but meet me more alone to get closer so that the relationship between us three will be balanced. She agreed but then I heard from another friend that B told him that I prevent her from meeting A.

You just admitted you were preventing her from meeting A. IMO, she is being very patient with you, but she likely will move on from B if her relationship with him is dependent on you. Most poly people don't put up with outside partners controlling the pace and depth of their relationships.