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  #21  
Old 09-25-2013, 02:55 PM
Mic Mic is offline
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Originally Posted by MonoMale View Post
Absolutely - theoretical side of anything is easy to grasp.

But the real test comes when you are in a real situation. I can easily point to martial arts as an example of the application being much harder than the theory which everyone gets easily.

A learning curve cannot be avoided and mistakes will be made. Different people obviously learn at different rates in any given thing whether its non monogamy, science or some other skill.
I agree
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  #22  
Old 09-25-2013, 06:08 PM
Mic Mic is offline
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Originally Posted by Numina View Post
Here are a couple place I suggest you start. I found all of them via great people in this forum, and have found the information to be valuable.

Morethantwo-perhaps start with the jealous sections, but really everything at this site is worth reading at least once.

and Polyinthepond.
I read the article "Jealousy Management for Love and Profit or, how to fix a broken refrigerator" from the website you gave me. It's really a great article. But there is something unclear for me about the period of working on my own problems. I'm quite worried that the fixing time will be too long. I want to do as much and as fast as I can to fix my problems.
As I understood, I think when I'm figuring out and fixing my problem, I should ask my partner to stop when I have "overwhelmed, gut-wrenching, wanting-to-puke" jealousy, but I should let it happen when it's "You know, this makes me uncomfortable" jealousy. Because when I have the former jealousy I can't calm down and focus on fixing the problem, quite the opposite, it makes me more freak out the next time when he does the same thing which triggers my fear. But the latter fear can help me figure out the deeper reason of my fear.
What do you think?

Last edited by Mic; 09-25-2013 at 06:13 PM.
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  #23  
Old 09-26-2013, 08:45 AM
london london is offline
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so what do you think I should do?
I don't believe that people should change fundamental parts of themselves to fit themselves into a relationship. I don't think that is healthy. I think you should accept that you won't be able to have your needs met, ie be happy, at the same time as your partner being happy because one of you will have to sacrifice too much. I mean, sure, he could end his relationship with B but what about when he meets C and the same thing happens again? Basically, I think you should end your relationship with him because you aren't compatible.
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  #24  
Old 09-26-2013, 10:53 AM
Mic Mic is offline
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I don't believe that people should change fundamental parts of themselves to fit themselves into a relationship. I don't think that is healthy. I think you should accept that you won't be able to have your needs met, ie be happy, at the same time as your partner being happy because one of you will have to sacrifice too much. I mean, sure, he could end his relationship with B but what about when he meets C and the same thing happens again? Basically, I think you should end your relationship with him because you aren't compatible.
Thank you very much. It's really easy to end a two years relationship. That's really helpful.
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  #25  
Old 09-26-2013, 11:05 AM
london london is offline
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I never said it would be easy but I just think it's unhealthy and futile to try and change core elements of yourself to be with someone that you are not compatible with. What you want to hear is that your partner should do what you want him to, treat this other person unethically and cater to your needs because after all, what you want is "normal" and what he wants isn't. If he stays polyamorous, you will be unhappy, forever. I'd put most my money on that fact. Is that what you want? To be unhappy and miserable forever? To be ripping yourself apart when they are together, loving one another? Or do you want a relationship where you don't have to effectively beat down and kill a part of yourself to maintain it? Be with someone who wants the same things as you? Someone who won't make you this unhappy? Someone who you won't make unhappy with your desire things that oppose their needs?
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  #26  
Old 09-26-2013, 11:29 AM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Originally Posted by Mic View Post
Thank you very much. It's really easy to end a two years relationship. That's really helpful.
Nope,it's not easy but I ended a 12 year relationship with kids because I finially learned that lesson. I finoally gave up trying to fit myself in a box for someone else. Was it easy? Nope. But I'm a million times healthier and happier now.
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  #27  
Old 09-26-2013, 12:07 PM
Mic Mic is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
I never said it would be easy but I just think it's unhealthy and futile to try and change core elements of yourself to be with someone that you are not compatible with. What you want to hear is that your partner should do what you want him to, treat this other person unethically and cater to your needs because after all, what you want is "normal" and what he wants isn't. If he stays polyamorous, you will be unhappy, forever. I'd put most my money on that fact. Is that what you want? To be unhappy and miserable forever? To be ripping yourself apart when they are together, loving one another? Or do you want a relationship where you don't have to effectively beat down and kill a part of yourself to maintain it? Be with someone who wants the same things as you? Someone who won't make you this unhappy? Someone who you won't make unhappy with your desire things that oppose their needs?

Have I ever said that I don't want to be poly? Could you please answer after you know better the story?
As I said, I am in a relationship with B as well, and actually she is one of the multiple partners I currently date, I actually date more people than A and B do and I enjoy this freedom, I don't think I can be monogamous either. I don't feel and act this way with everybody, only with A currently (but I had similar unhealthy emotional reactions several years ago in a monogamous relationship with a man). And I feel my reactions are unhealthy, it's still unclear for me but I suspect probably because I am dependent on his affection (in parallel, I started to attend the codependency/sex and love addicted anonymous 12 steps program). I know as well that what I currently ask to A and B is quite unfaire and not so ethical, and I feel guilty about it. That's the reason why I seek advices to help me progress because I don't want to impose this constraints to them anymore. I have found so far that the people on this forum are very helpful and what I could read so far is very interesting. And I thank you london as well for participating to this thread. However I have to say that each of your proposition felt irritatingly negative to me and are not really helping A, B and me. I can feel that your intention in participating in this thread is genuinely to help and I really thank you for that, but I just wanted to tell you that unfortunately it doesn't.

Last edited by Mic; 09-26-2013 at 12:49 PM.
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  #28  
Old 09-26-2013, 12:38 PM
london london is offline
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You might want to be poly to be with this man, but it's obvious that you are not wired for polyamory, simply by what you said. All this:

Quote:
I'm hurt that they get intimate and when he shows that he likes her.
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I was not ready for A to meet others at that moment
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When we three hung out, I felt fluid love among us, we all show affection to each other, but still sometimes I found it very difficult to see A showing affection to B
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I felt left out easily when they were showing affection to each other.
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But I'm over sensitive and I need them to do things in my pace. For example, I'm ready for them to spend an afternoon alone. If I find everything fine, I may be more open.
Quote:
If they spend one night together now, I would feel left out and sad that I'm alone. If they force to do so, I hate them. If they spend several days together, I will be constantly worried and unconnected, resentful that I couldn't meet A because we are not in the country now and may become extremely emotional.
These things all show that you are not compatible with a polyamorous relationship. You claim you want things equal but you never mention wanting to spend time with her because you are insecure about how much she might like you, so want to isolate her to work on your relationship with her, it's all about him and making sure that he loves you as much or the same as he loves her. Honestly, do yourself a favour and give it up. Like Inyourendo said, you'll be much happier when you stop trying to be something that you are not.




What you might be suited for is a relationship where your partner (and maybe you) sleep with other people but your relationship is always the most important, the one with most priority.
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  #29  
Old 09-26-2013, 12:54 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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I have to agree with Inyourendo in that I'm much happier outside of my 17-year marriage now that I'm not feeling derided for who I am and constantly being told (indirectly or directly) that what I liked and wanted was stupid or selfish.

However...

I do not believe that just because you're unhappy and trying to figure out what you want now, it means that you need to dissolve the relationship because it's never going to work.

Hell, if I'd outlined all the problems I had in the beginning of my relationship, I think a number of folks would have been appalled. We all were new at this and stumbled our way through like drunken elephants in a corn maze.

I was envious of the time P and M1 shared (especially when he was unemployed and they could spend all day doing whatever, while I was working OT at the time). I didn't like seeing their public affection displayed in front of me. I didn't want to see their gushy Facebook back-and-forth stuff. Et cetera.

It took time and work to get through these things. I asked M1 to exclude me from seeing her gooshier FB posts to P (I needed the option to "leave the room" as it were, since FB isn't all that good at it). We agreed to "family friendly" levels of affection when we're all together. Our time together is much more balanced now. It didn't happen overnight. It happened with a lot of self-introspection ("What do I need? What's bothering me really?"), a lot of talking ("I know I'm bothered by the FB thing for <x> reasons, and I don't want to hide or defriend you - how can we find a happy medium?"), and mutual respect and the desire to come to a common middle ground.

(I realize that my feelings are my own, and I was prepared for M1 to say "my FB is mine - suck it up", in which case I would have hidden her from my feed and said that's that. I was *prepared* to do what I needed to do, but wanted to see if we could find a happy medium instead, and we did.)

None of us ended up steamrolled (although in our blundering, some of us did feel that way at times).

And yes, we STILL have issues. But we've gotten better at getting them out in the open, doing the self-introspection, and talking - it's kind of becoming old hat at this point.

So no, I don't believe your discomfort necessarily means that you need to give up. I find that defeatist ("It's never going to work so why try?") and I hate seeing people give up on something they never even had a chance to work at, or didn't feel that they could because they didn't have the confidence in themselves.

I do think it's going to take some earnest work on your part, along with your partner, in order to get through the hard stuff. If his OSO is so inclined, then it could very well help to get her involved too, but if she feels you two need to work out your own problems, that's also valid. Start inside and work out - starting with yourself (self-introspection, what do you NEED out of a relationship, what do you WANT, what compromises would work for you so that you still feel you're getting what you need?), then with your partner, then maybe with his OSO if she's willing.

I would caution you that it might take multiple go-rounds to get through an issue. P and I felt as though we were hitting the same roadblocks over and over and over again until we finally peeled back that onion one step at a time and got through the surface stuff to the root of the issue.

If you find that, after trying for some period of time, it's still not working, that no progress has been made, and you're feeling exactly the same as you were before, then yes, it might be time to think about moving on.

Only you can decide if it's worth the work. And only you can decide if the workload is too high, or if it's manageable. But if you and he both decide that it's worth it, and that it's doable, then go for it.

Edited to add: Whoops... I forgot that you are also in a relationship with B. Doesn't change my post much except to say that you probably should all talk, then, rather than leaving B out of the loop at first, since there's a direct relationship there as well.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk

Last edited by YouAreHere; 09-26-2013 at 12:57 PM. Reason: Forgot the relationship dynamic...
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  #30  
Old 09-26-2013, 12:58 PM
london london is offline
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It's very easy to date multiple people. It's very easy to trust that you can love more than one person at once. In my opinion, that is not what the majority of polyamory is about, it's about accepting that your partner can love more than one person. The fact that you date multiple people doesn't change my opinion whatsoever. If anything, it just makes me think that you are also a little bit selfish. I understand that you are working on these issues but why are you working on them? So you can mould yourself to be with this person? It just doesn't make any sense to me at all. Why not stick with being you and find someone who is compatible with you?

You being dependent on his affection is fine, really. You do understand though that his kisses and hugs are not going to run out, right? It's as if you think what he gives her is taking away from you. That is mono thinking. This type of thinking is why I believe you are wired for a relationship style closer to monogamy. You don't think I am helping because I am telling you the truth. What you are expecting is unreasonable and not compatible with polyamory.
If you really don't want to impose constraints on them, don't. If you know it's unethical, don't ask it. Deal with your issues yourself. Stop trying to manipulate other people into being unethical too.
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