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  #11  
Old 09-25-2013, 01:45 PM
london london is offline
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A is someone who's naturally poly and never felt jealous. He thought he should do whatever he wanted even I felt bad because he was afraid if he did as I wanted, I would develop monogamous illusion. I would say he wasn't patient because of his bad experience before. (after 6 years patiently waiting, the girl broke up with him after he met me ) I can understand that. But it still hurt me and he never apologized for his lack of patience with me in the past.
He shouldn't have to be. Once you agree to have a non monogamous relationship with a non monogamous person, that should be it. No waiting around for anyone. If you don't like it, don't agree to it.

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The reason why I don't feel good to see A and B showing affection to each other, I feel left out when they do so for a long time. I'm dependent on his affection.
Do you ever think that if you feel like this, she might feel like this too? And because she might feel like that too, do you limit your affection with your partner?
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  #12  
Old 09-25-2013, 01:51 PM
Mic Mic is offline
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Originally Posted by Flowerchild View Post
You just admitted you were preventing her from meeting A. IMO, she is being very patient with you, but she likely will move on from B if her relationship with him is dependent on you. Most poly people don't put up with outside partners controlling the pace and depth of their relationships.
Then she will decide.
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  #13  
Old 09-25-2013, 01:53 PM
Mic Mic is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
He shouldn't have to be. Once you agree to have a non monogamous relationship with a non monogamous person, that should be it. No waiting around for anyone. If you don't like it, don't agree to it.

Do you ever think that if you feel like this, she might feel like this too? And because she might feel like that too, do you limit your affection with your partner?
So what do you think I should do now? I should break up with A while he agreed to be patient so that B feels equal?
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  #14  
Old 09-25-2013, 02:09 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
He shouldn't have to be. Once you agree to have a non monogamous relationship with a non monogamous person, that should be it. No waiting around for anyone. If you don't like it, don't agree to it.
In my experience, while I could logically understand what I was getting into, I had no idea what I was in for emotionally. It's easy to say that I agreed to it, so I should have just sucked it up, but there's definitely a learning curve involved if you've had no prior experience.
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Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 14; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In a relationship with Chops. Dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In a relationship with Chops.

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
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  #15  
Old 09-25-2013, 02:17 PM
Mic Mic is offline
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Originally Posted by Numina View Post

Seems to me you could benefit with some self explorations, and research into topics that relate to relationship in general, Poly, and to your specific situation.

Here are a couple place I suggest you start. I found all of them via great people in this forum, and have found the information to be valuable.

Morethantwo-perhaps start with the jealous sections, but really everything at this site is worth reading at least once.

and Polyinthepond.
Thank you very much. This is very useful for me to improve in polyamory.

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Originally Posted by Numina View Post
I don't advocate asking him to "back off" (which is not a clearly defined request). But you might ask for what you need to not feel so uncomfortable.

I suggest asking for partner care from both of them. Let them both know this is making you uncomfortable, talk to them and work at finding the reason WHY it makes you uncomfortable. Asking for less PDA in front of you for a short (week or two) is understandable while you work through this issue, but more than that could cause unhealthy strain between the three of you, and create resentment.

Asking and negotiating for what you need is ok, so long as you acknowledge to them that you see what you are asking for is going to be hard for them, and you show them that you are working on understanding how you feel. I am makings a guess that this is coming up because of a dose of NRE between A and B. If so then this article might help you.

I wish you luck in working this our for yourself, and for your relationships.
I asked B to meet me instead of meeting A for several days in another country so that I can get closer to B then I will feel less left out when we'll be us three.

I feel bad because I'm dependent on A's affection. I'm afraid that I can't change it in a short time.
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  #16  
Old 09-25-2013, 02:20 PM
MonoMale MonoMale is offline
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Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
In my experience, while I could logically understand what I was getting into, I had no idea what I was in for emotionally. It's easy to say that I agreed to it, so I should have just sucked it up, but there's definitely a learning curve involved if you've had no prior experience.
Absolutely - theoretical side of anything is easy to grasp.

But the real test comes when you are in a real situation. I can easily point to martial arts as an example of the application being much harder than the theory which everyone gets easily.

A learning curve cannot be avoided and mistakes will be made. Different people obviously learn at different rates in any given thing whether its non monogamy, science or some other skill.
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  #17  
Old 09-25-2013, 02:27 PM
london london is offline
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What I was asking if is whether you have ever considered limiting your affection/contact with your partner so B didn't feel left out? If B asked you not to see A for a while until she felt reconnected with him, would you do it?

Here is what I think:

You are the one with the issues here. Not A, not B. You cannot handle being in a polyamorous relationship. That is what you have to own. You want to be more important, more valued, superior to B. You want A to treat B badly to help you solve your issues with a relationship dynamic you agreed to. That is unreasonable. B sounds like he is happily polyamorous. You are not happily polyamorous. In an ideal world B would probably like to be happily polyamorous with you but you cannot deal with him having another partner. That means that you are incompatible with B.
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  #18  
Old 09-25-2013, 02:41 PM
Mic Mic is offline
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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
This is fantasy. Every relationship I have with a human is unique to that human. Trying to convince myself that they are "the same" is an exercise in futility.

You expecting that you should be loved "equally" or "the same" or "balanced" as your partner loves someone else (if indeed that is your expectation) is going to continue to provide frustration for you. Instead try to shape your language for something closer to "my relationship to him is unique, and I am glad he is in my life" and let go of what someone else is getting. Envy is not the friend of a healthy and flourishing relationship (romantic or otherwise).
That's right. It's not healthy to expect "equal". By say "the same" I mean the same quantity, not necessarily the same aspect. Actually I ask B to spend more time with me is also because it's easier for me to have compersion for the people who's close to me. ( For example I have brother and sister but I'm never jealous for my parents' love because I love my sister and brother as well. )

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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
This is fear of abandonment and an apparent inability to "be alone".

Instead, focus on making yourself into a person whose skin you are comfortable in. There is no universal formula for improving self image and independence, but here are some ideas:
  • Improve your social circle so that you are not depending on your lovers to entertain you
  • Get a hobby which you enjoy and helps you feel like you are being productive
  • Seek therapy to help shift your worldview to a more self-sufficient emotional approach
This is very useful. Recently I focus on being independent and develop compersion.


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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
Take responsibility for your own decisions. If they decide they want to spend time together, regardless of your wishes to the contrary, you get to decide how you respond. Control *your* actions and feelings and avoid focusing on what they are doing.
Finally A decided to be patient with me. He even said that he could break up with B if I feel really bad. I don't want that, I just want things to be smooth. His support makes me feel very relax and very willing to improve myself in polyamory. But I feel guilty for B.

Last edited by Mic; 09-25-2013 at 02:49 PM.
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  #19  
Old 09-25-2013, 02:45 PM
Mic Mic is offline
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Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
In my experience, while I could logically understand what I was getting into, I had no idea what I was in for emotionally. It's easy to say that I agreed to it, so I should have just sucked it up, but there's definitely a learning curve involved if you've had no prior experience.
Exactly.
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  #20  
Old 09-25-2013, 02:54 PM
Mic Mic is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
What I was asking if is whether you have ever considered limiting your affection/contact with your partner so B didn't feel left out? If B asked you not to see A for a while until she felt reconnected with him, would you do it?

Here is what I think:

You are the one with the issues here. Not A, not B. You cannot handle being in a polyamorous relationship. That is what you have to own. You want to be more important, more valued, superior to B. You want A to treat B badly to help you solve your issues with a relationship dynamic you agreed to. That is unreasonable. B sounds like he is happily polyamorous. You are not happily polyamorous. In an ideal world B would probably like to be happily polyamorous with you but you cannot deal with him having another partner. That means that you are incompatible with B.
so what do you think I should do?
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