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  #11  
Old 09-24-2013, 07:26 AM
london london is offline
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@Hoyam

You really need to think about whether you are prepared to treat other people badly by ignoring and dismissing their needs, wants and desires in order for your husband to feel your relationship is the most important. You can do this by telling your husband all the details he wants to know without asking the consent of the other people involved, or by cancelling dates any time your husband wants you to etc. Personally, if my husband required me to do that, I'd either go for a form of non monogamy closer to monogamy where it's basically just sex, or I would remain monogamous with my husband. My husband would have to realise that I must have the other person's input before I can promise certain things, it might be totally fine by them, but I have to get the okay. That's the ethical way to do things.
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  #12  
Old 09-24-2013, 08:03 AM
Hoyam Hoyam is offline
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I am not quite sure what you mean (english is not my language) but the struggle between my husbands needs (if it realy is a need to know everything, which i doubt), my needs, my boyfriends needs, everybody's right to information, everybody's right to privacy, is a constant searching. Some things are very clear, but the things you can have different opinions about are the most interesting and also the most diffecult!

For this moment is going back to monogamy is not an option for me. We just started and i think we realy have to try before we decide if things are or aren't our way of life. Ofcourse the beginning is hard. My bf is very patient so it's mostly a struggle for my husband and i. So we only give up when we feel like we realy tried, not after a few weeks!
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  #13  
Old 09-24-2013, 08:19 AM
london london is offline
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All I am saying is that your husband has made it clear that he expects your relationship to be the most important and that means that if there is a conflict between his needs and your boyfriend's needs, he expects his needs to be considered first. Really, it is all quite easy - things that happen between you and your boyfriend (especially sexually) stays between you unless your boyfriend has given consent for that information to be shared with your husband and the same should go for things that are between you and your husband. Your husband seems to be saying that he should get what he wants regardless of your boyfriend's feelings. That's a very hard concept to battle.
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  #14  
Old 09-24-2013, 10:23 AM
Hoyam Hoyam is offline
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Thanks. Yes i agree. Fortunately my boyfriend is very kind towards my husband. He wants his privacy, but is not very stubborn or unwilling in that area.
My husband just needs to learn that i love him anyways. Sometimes he needs to measure this love, compare it, even though he knows there is no way to realy compare.
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  #15  
Old 09-24-2013, 12:06 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hoyam View Post
Interesting to read! Me, very new to this all, is very surprised about the opinion that the relationships are equal and the doubt about wether or not one partner has the right to information.
Being new to this, i tell my husband almost anything he wants to hear. I thought that 'giving it time' was mostly: go with what he wants cause he needs to be able to adjust. Of course i ask him if the answer to this question will help him and sometimes he can confirm that it realy doesn't, so i don't answer. But sometimes he says it turns him on, and i believe that only for a part. I think he convinces him, cause he feels the strong need to ask me out of fear/jalousy.
So if your husband wants to know something you tell him. What about your boyfriends right to privacy. What about emotional intimacy. There is no way Murf would stand for me sharing every detail of our relationship with Butch. Some things are sacred .

Quote:
Also i see here that nobody realy talks about primary and secundary partner. My husband is very stuck on that term, cause he feels he has more rights, has to be on top of the foodchain, has to be number one. Ofcourse he means so much to me. But him asking me to make him number one is difficult. Which aspects of a relationship count, how important is every aspect and why?
I do not play the whole primary/secondary game. My relationships are seperate but equal. Why should your husband have more rights? Why should he get more power and control? Your husband needs to worry about his relationship with you period . What goes on between you and your boyfriend is between you and him. He needs to trust you to do the right thing if protection of your relationship is necessary.

I do not understand the belief that another woman is no threat yo an existing mf relationship. It is like people are saying that relationship between women are a joke if one or both women are bisexual. To me that is kind of offensive.
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Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
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  #16  
Old 09-24-2013, 02:03 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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On the sex part....when I started sleeping with Nudge, J preferred SOME details because it made him feel like he knew what was going on instead of picturing us donig crazy, wild, better stuff I wasnt doing with him. i was happy to share, and also add things to our sex life if he was interested. But im also a very open person and will talk about just about anything with anyone. To me, making something seem secrative makes it seem taboo

as far as everyone feeling special....Nudge and I have a set night that is "ours" our spouses know and agree to this. J needs t otell me if hes feeling he needs more time/attention etc from me, because if he doesnt speak up thats his problem. You also can not be responsible for the feelings of Plan A or B
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  #17  
Old 09-24-2013, 05:12 PM
Hoyam Hoyam is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post

I do not understand the belief that another woman is no threat yo an existing mf relationship. It is like people are saying that relationship between women are a joke if one or both women are bisexual. To me that is kind of offensive.
I'm sorry if you feel like i'm offensive. What i notice with my husband is that he finds it diffecult that my bf gives me something in theory he can give me also. Ofcourse that's an illusion cause they are different people. But noticing his need to compare i thought a woman would be different and easier for him to accept (that a woman can offer me something he is not). I don't mean to be disrespectful, not at all. Me, my bf and my husband all are straight. So maybe just a lack of knowledge in that area. I understand a woman can be a threat just as much as a man. Also i know a lot of (married) homosexual people and i realy believe they are not better or worse than me. So, no hard feelings please!
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  #18  
Old 09-24-2013, 05:33 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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I am very straight. Never have I ever... found myself attracted to women at all. Not in real life.. Not a starlet .. No girl crushes in my past. Still find it sexist.

My personal opinion is most people restricted by an opp by their male partner would find if they ask that the man is holding out hope to be included at some point or at least watch...lol.

Murf brings things to my life that Butch doesn't. Honestly no two relationships are going to be equal. You are going to love one more than another, need one more than another at different points as relationships ebb and flow. What needs to be equal is communication consideration and commitment to your relationships.
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Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.
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  #19  
Old 09-25-2013, 01:46 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hoyam View Post
I am not quite sure what you mean (english is not my language) but the struggle between my husbands needs (if it realy is a need to know everything, which i doubt), my needs, my boyfriends needs, everybody's right to information, everybody's right to privacy, is a constant searching. Some things are very clear, but the things you can have different opinions about are the most interesting and also the most diffecult!

For this moment is going back to monogamy is not an option for me. We just started and i think we realy have to try before we decide if things are or aren't our way of life. Ofcourse the beginning is hard. My bf is very patient so it's mostly a struggle for my husband and i. So we only give up when we feel like we realy tried, not after a few weeks!
May I ask what your first language is? Your English is really quite good for a 2nd language.
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  #20  
Old 09-25-2013, 06:00 AM
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Arabella Arabella is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hoyam View Post
Also i see here that nobody realy talks about primary and secundary partner. My husband is very stuck on that term, cause he feels he has more rights, has to be on top of the foodchain, has to be number one. Ofcourse he means so much to me. But him asking me to make him number one is difficult. Which aspects of a relationship count, how important is every aspect and why?
We do the primary/secondary thing. It just happens to work for us.

I have been dating a married, poly man for almost two years now, who puts his marriage as primary. His wife is very considerate of my relationship with her husband, and would never really yank the choke chain on him (at least, that's how I feel.) I'm respectful of their time, and she is respectful of ours. In a true crisis, (i.e. both his wife and I drowning in the ocean at the same time, equal distance away from him) I'm sure he'd save her first. In terms of practical concerns, where he lives, what he spends his money on, etc. That's between him and his primary partner, his wife, because they share a home, they share a bank account, and they will be sharing a child in the near future.

The hubby and I have similar values. RIGHT NOW, we would like to preserve the marriage. Home, bank account, co-parenting, etc. Are exclusively the domain of our primary partners - each other. Our paramours have varying levels of interaction with our son, and would miss us if we had to move to another state, but we don't exactly take those other people into consideration when making those big decisions. We do, however, have deep emotional connections with other people.

The hubby is dating a married, poly woman who is now 9 weeks pregnant with her own husband's child. Her and her husband share the same values. No, it's not just swinging, it's respect for the other people, it can and has developed into love, and everyone is respectful of everyone else's time. If someone's not getting enough of their primary or secondary partner, they discuss it with each other, and then negotiate time or needs with their other partners, but still with the underlying idea that the marriage partner does have a greater say IN HOME LIFE issues.

Yes, there are potential problems in this setup, but since everyone is working off of a basis of mutual respect, and tons of communication, for the most part, things have worked out well. From my perspective, since all of the spouses feel confident that their spouse values them through the title of "primary", all of us are much more likely to feel generous in giving space and time to our spouses and their other partners.

It DEFINITELY isn't for everyone, and I could DEFINITELY see it a problem for people who aren't married themselves (or in our case, if one of our partner's marital status is going to change), but since we all are dating other married couples who seem to have the same values, it's working out pretty well so far. Nobody feels insulted, as far as I can tell. I guess since we all live exclusively with our spouses, it's a little easier to decide primacy in home life matters.
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Arabella - Me, 36, female
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E - Mr. C's wife, 35, female

Last edited by Arabella; 09-25-2013 at 06:05 AM.
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