Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 09-25-2013, 04:03 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 593
Default

I assume that in relation to open marriages, the expression means wanting it both ways--the safety, comfort, and stability of a marriage, someone to come home to, someone permanent and safe, and also continuing to have the fun and excitement of dating and romancing new people.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 09-25-2013, 04:42 AM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richardson, TX
Posts: 1,328
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
I assume that in relation to open marriages, the expression means wanting it both ways--the safety, comfort, and stability of a marriage, someone to come home to, someone permanent and safe, and also continuing to have the fun and excitement of dating and romancing new people.
Eww... if that is correct, then I don't want any of that cake... the pro-obligation folks are welcome to it lol
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 09-25-2013, 06:05 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,279
Default

Marcus ...

I thought you were the cake
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 09-25-2013, 12:36 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,547
Default

Wait - what? Marcus is the cake? Where do I line up for a slice?
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 09-25-2013, 12:58 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 593
Default

Or is Marcus perhaps the one who takes the cake? Then we'll have to go find him.

Marcus, I never mentioned obligation. I said the comfort, safety, and stability....of someone to come home to. Don't you have that with IV? Yet you're free to date, too.

In fact, to many people it would appear exactly THAT you have all the benefits with none of the obligations.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 09-25-2013, 01:31 PM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 970
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
Or is Marcus perhaps the one who takes the cake? Then we'll have to go find him.
There's a MacArthur Park joke in there somewhere, but I'm leaving that one alone.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
Marcus, I never mentioned obligation. I said the comfort, safety, and stability....of someone to come home to. Don't you have that with IV? Yet you're free to date, too.

In fact, to many people it would appear exactly THAT you have all the benefits with none of the obligations.
Dingdingdingdingding...
You're spot on here, WH. "You're getting this and you're not following the rules and putting in the same amount of work/sacrifice that *I* am! That's not fair!"

In relationships, at work ("Why did HE get promoted when I've been here longer?"), in traffic ("How DARE you drive up the breakdown lane and squeeze in in front of me!"). It's the sense that you're not playing by the rules and you're getting ahead anyway. That you're cheating the system while the rest of society does what they "should".

And it leads to bitterness and a sense of being wronged somehow, even when they're not involved (as in the case of my friends).

Relationship road rage?
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 09-25-2013, 01:43 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 593
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
There's a MacArthur Park joke in there somewhere, but I'm leaving that one alone.
Good song, well worthy of jokes great melody, but I prefer Al's lyrics: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kv0hqrucYD4



Quote:
Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
Dingdingdingdingding...
You're spot on here, WH. "You're getting this and you're not following the rules and putting in the same amount of work/sacrifice that *I* am! That's not fair!"

In relationships, at work ("Why did HE get promoted when I've been here longer?"), in traffic ("How DARE you drive up the breakdown lane and squeeze in in front of me!"). It's the sense that you're not playing by the rules and you're getting ahead anyway. That you're cheating the system while the rest of society does what they "should".

And it leads to bitterness and a sense of being wronged somehow, even when they're not involved (as in the case of my friends).

Relationship road rage?
I guess my experience or understanding is not that anyone's bitter or feeling wronged, but simply scratching their head. What's the point of being married if you still want to date? And isn't it true that poly gives both: the stability of marriage, the excitement of dating? This is all the phrase means.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 09-25-2013, 02:05 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richardson, TX
Posts: 1,328
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Marcus ... I thought you were the cake
Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Wait - what? Marcus is the cake? Where do I line up for a slice?
Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
Or is Marcus perhaps the one who takes the cake? Then we'll have to go find him.
you guys!

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
Marcus, I never mentioned obligation. I said the comfort, safety, and stability....of someone to come home to. Don't you have that with IV? Yet you're free to date, too. In fact, to many people it would appear exactly THAT you have all the benefits with none of the obligations.
"Stability of marriage" and "someone permanent" screams of obligation to me. What is more stable about marriage when compared to a girlfriend? What makes someone permanent? The only thing I can imagine is obligation, either explicit (marriage) or implied (assumption of longevity).

I do have someone to come home to, safety, comfort, and a sense of stability, and I feel that I can enjoy these things because there is no assumption of permanence either through promise or contract. Contracts or promises of permanence would only serve to make the nature of our association less genuine - hence my "Eeeew"

When it comes to relationships, if it's not cake, I'm not eating it
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 09-25-2013, 02:29 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 593
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post

"Stability of marriage" and "someone permanent" screams of obligation to me. What is more stable about marriage when compared to a girlfriend? What makes someone permanent? The only thing I can imagine is obligation, either explicit (marriage) or implied (assumption of longevity).

I do have someone to come home to, safety, comfort, and a sense of stability, and I feel that I can enjoy these things because there is no assumption of permanence either through promise or contract. Contracts or promises of permanence would only serve to make the nature of our association less genuine - hence my "Eeeew"
Moving in together is no assumption of longevity?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
When it comes to relationships, if it's not cake, I'm not eating it
What if it's a relationship with Marie Antoinette?
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 09-25-2013, 02:39 PM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 970
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
What if it's a relationship with Marie Antoinette?
Nah. Marcus doesn't seem the type to lose his head.

(Insert Fozzie Bear graphic here...)
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:41 PM.