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  #11  
Old 09-23-2013, 02:45 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by countryguy View Post
The one thing that I think did hurt her the most was the one about if she got pregnant on accident. I put in there cause her and I don't have our kids yet being we only been married 4 months and I have a daughter who is from my previous marriage. And then also I rather her and I have a baby or 2 before she accidentally have one with him. And also the fact the that it will be really hard to explain why she is pregnant when I need to get unfixed first.
Has your wife ever even talked about desiring pregnancy with the guy? If she has not, and if she is actively trying to prevent pregnancy I think you went overboard. An accidental pregnancy is something no one can predict and if such an occurrence did happen, the outcomes would need to be discussed by not just you and your wife, but also the father of the child would deserve a say. It is not something you can easily say with 100% "we will do x" if this happens.

I think also if you say you put some things on the list knowing they would upset your wife that perhaps you should have discussed those things with her first, and tried to reach a middle ground, instead of approaching her with something that seemed to be set in stone that you knew she would have issues with.
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  #12  
Old 09-23-2013, 03:19 PM
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I really don't find this a screwup... Maybe some people feel that this would have been better with a discussion first, but if you're one of those people (like me) who needs to get your thoughts down on paper, lest you end up all over the place during the actual discussion, then you've done what you needed to do in order to START the discussion.

If it's something you feel you need to bring up, rather than have it sit and eat away at you at some low level, then bring it up. I've done it with P, and while I know he was a bit taken aback by the thing I was concerned about, it was important for me to be able to bring it up before it happened and explain how I may react and why, if it ever DOES happen.

Apologies if I'm rambling and unclear. Camping in a leaky tent after having been exposed to someone with a cold is NOT working in my best interests today... Guh.
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  #13  
Old 09-23-2013, 03:55 PM
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I have no problem with someone needing notes to themselves to make sure they discuss all their concerns during conversation.

But if you gave me a list of rules and regulations. Or a contract . I would be pissed off.
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  #14  
Old 09-23-2013, 06:12 PM
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Thank you for all of the replies. Now that i have sat down with a semi clear head and reread the main one that she said she hurt her. And yeah i could have reworded it a lot better. "If an accidental pregnancy happens it will be up to him to take care of the issue whether you decide to carry to term or to abort. This will be a discussion all of us will have to sit down and talk about if it happens. she knows I have a slight problem with choosing the right words. I had it all nicely typed up and presented it to her when we went to bed which is where we do about 85% of our poly relationship talks and didnt think it about asking her about if she wanted to go over it then or wanted to wait.
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  #15  
Old 09-23-2013, 08:20 PM
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To me, it sounds like you did great.

For us, our rule for anything preceded by "I'm not sure how to say this..." is "Spit it out and get it on the table", we'll withhold judgement and figure out what it means together.

Writing it down is always good. It's ok that she was upset or hurt, the bottom line is that you actively communicated your concerns and you all worked through it.
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  #16  
Old 09-23-2013, 08:23 PM
willowstar willowstar is offline
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Hi countryguy

My husband and I, and also my boyfriend and I, discuss quite a few things by email or texting. We find that sometimes it is easier to get our thoughts out in writing, rather than in a conversation. When I am talking with one of them, I find that my mind often doesnt recall all of the points that are relevant, and so doing it in writing allows all of us to get it all out, and lets the receiver take the time to read, digest, and think about how s/he feels about it.

For example, I recently sent my husband two emails, one was Willow's Definition of Sexual Contact and the other was Willow's Suggestions on Dividing Time Between Lovers. Both kind of loaded topics for us, so sending him a "preview" of what I wanted to discuss gives him time to formulate an opinion, especially if I bring up something he had not considered before.

I dont think you did anything wrong, per se. But there is always a learning curve, for what will work for you and your partner as you go along.

Good luck!
Willow
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  #17  
Old 09-23-2013, 09:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by countryguy View Post
Thank you for all of the replies. Now that i have sat down with a semi clear head and reread the main one that she said she hurt her. And yeah i could have reworded it a lot better. "If an accidental pregnancy happens it will be up to him to take care of the issue whether you decide to carry to term or to abort. This will be a discussion all of us will have to sit down and talk about if it happens. she knows I have a slight problem with choosing the right words. I had it all nicely typed up and presented it to her when we went to bed which is where we do about 85% of our poly relationship talks and didnt think it about asking her about if she wanted to go over it then or wanted to wait.
Bringing up the issue is certainly valid. If I was in your wife's shoes, I would welcome the conversation. However, for future reference, maybe try wording particularly dicey subjects as a question. For example, "I am concerned about how we would handle an accidental pregnancy with the bf. What are your thoughts?" Granted, I realize *your* thoughts include financial responsibility on the bf's part, but eliciting someone else's opinion before laying out your own often works wonders. It could very well be that if asked, she may have come to the same conclusion. As it was you *sound* totally disinterested in a baby she may want to keep - especially given that unfixing you is not 100% guaranteed.
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  #18  
Old 09-24-2013, 03:33 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Has the boyfriend also had a chance to sit down with her and go over his concerns and boundaries regarding you?
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  #19  
Old 09-24-2013, 03:53 AM
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First of all, poly is not just about sex. Second, if you need to type up a bunch of rules to make sure your spouse will respect your marriage, I'd say it's already doomed.
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  #20  
Old 09-24-2013, 11:11 AM
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The impression I got from the OP was that the "rules" draft was a launchpad for a discussion. I think the terminology may have been a bit off-putting ("list of rules") maybe due to inexperience, but it seems that the intent was to have a discussion and a mutual agreement, after going back and forth and revising the list a few times.

If there were no discussion to be had - a my-way-or-the-highway thing, I'd be more inclined to agree with everyone that this is doomed before it even gets out of the gate.

Maybe, countryguy, now that you've seen your wife's reaction, and the reaction of folks here, you may want to broach future concerns as more of a discussion topic than as a list of rules, but I know that I had quite a few stumbles at the start as well, and it seems that your intent wasn't out of place.

Time and experience, and working together - that's what's going to help smooth out the rough edges. Learning HOW to work together is key. Good luck.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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