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  #1  
Old 09-21-2013, 10:07 PM
purpleboots purpleboots is offline
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Well things have come a long way since last.I posted. G has decided to end.our romantic relationship because he can't fulfill my emotional needs and its destroying me. We never had wild chemistry or a deep connection. We were always good friends and a good team. Hopefully we still can be. So I am going to continue to live with him in the family.home and coparent but seek to have my romantic needs met elsewhere. Or maybe not at all right now. H is going to move out and get her own place and he will see her on his nights out. We will have a day on day off schedule for who will remain at home.with the kids. I am trying to come to terms with our relationship not working out but I agree I deserve to be in love and be treated the way I expect to be treated by the person who loves me. I fear that staying here to keep.the family.together and to prevent being a single.mother of a toddler and a baby on welfare is going to be extremely emotionally difficult.for me. G does.not treat me with respect and constantly breaks his word when he goes.out. I fear he will not return home.when he says we will, that he will not be willing to negotiate ground rules.and adhere to them because his reasoning.for us breaking up is that he doesn't want to be obligated to me. I know.he is committed.to.his children and their happiness. That he does fulfill his obligations with them.

I know I need to be okay on my own. I have to work on myself and focus on doing things that enrich and make me happy. I feel so exhausted and emotionally.drained all the time. Maybe I need to see a therapist. Maybe I just need to stop.sucking and get my shit together. I feel like I've been lost for so long.

I don't know what I'm looking for.in posting this, words of advice from someone who has been somewhere similar?
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Old 09-22-2013, 12:22 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Different situation (the break up of a triad - won't bore you with the details), but I can relate to having felt lost, drained, and hurt.

I do think talking to someone is helpful. I did not seek a therapist, but was fortunate enough to have two friends who were objective enough and honest enough to point out not only when my thinking made sense, but when it did not. No matter how you go about it - therapist or friend - an objective listener is invaluable.

Also, because I was so distraught that I really had no idea about what I wanted in life, I made a plan to cover the basics. For me, it was a return to work, getting my own place (I'd landed with my mom), and developing a circle of friends (you may already have the latter, but I had just moved to a new city). Your "basics" may look different from mine, but nonetheless, I am sure you have them, or they will soon become apparent.

Following my plan did not make me happy right off the bat, but it gave me focus, something to strive. I will admit that sometimes the effort seemed hollow, and I often felt like I was faking it. That said, over time I did begin to heal, to take joy in things again. It took me about a year and half to reach the point where I could move beyond the basics and really start to figure out what would add to my happiness and satisfaction.

I am sorry you are hurting. I hope this is helpful.
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Old 09-22-2013, 01:30 AM
purpleboots purpleboots is offline
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Thank you so much. I'm glad you succeeded and I hope I can as well. I have to. I have friends I can reach out to and have over the past months and now that things are clear I can start making steps forward. I'm scared but I will make it. It is going to be painful to live with someone I resent so much for breaking my heart. For refusing to care for me because I am.so pathetic. I don't want to be pathetic. I know I won't be forever. I have been strong and I can do it again. For me. For my kids. They need their dad, they need their siblings. They need a mom who can take care of herself so she can be the best mom possible.
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Old 09-23-2013, 03:38 AM
purpleboots purpleboots is offline
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I've been doing a lot of reflecting and I have decided that, aside from my own insecurity, my biggest barrier to self actualization is being with G. I think the only way I can cope with him quitting on me, on us, when the going got tough (i mean I just had a baby and three other kids to care for, of course things are really strained right now) is by leaving and carving out a little place in the world for myself and my kids. I don't want to leave his.kids behind, but our house is such a toxic environment where I have had so much emotional trauma I don't think it is the best place to try to rebuild from. Not to mention G treating me like a pathetic failure for not being able to cope with everything here. I am sad that he would rather throw our relationship away than try to find it.in his heart to love me again even when he feels like I haven't been strong.enough and have failed him. Anyway, I'm better off without him, I am sure of that. I won't let his emotional unavailability and cruel treatment erode my self esteem any longer.
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Old 09-23-2013, 11:33 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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That sounds like a very healthy start. Hard to heal the wounds in an environment where the scabs keep getting ripped off.
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Old 09-24-2013, 02:07 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by purpleboots View Post
I've been doing a lot of reflecting and I have decided that, aside from my own insecurity, my biggest barrier to self actualization is being with G. I think the only way I can cope with him quitting on me, on us, when the going got tough (i mean I just had a baby and three other kids to care for, of course things are really strained right now) is by leaving and carving out a little place in the world for myself and my kids. I don't want to leave his.kids behind, but our house is such a toxic environment where I have had so much emotional trauma I don't think it is the best place to try to rebuild from. Not to mention G treating me like a pathetic failure for not being able to cope with everything here. I am sad that he would rather throw our relationship away than try to find it.in his heart to love me again even when he feels like I haven't been strong.enough and have failed him. Anyway, I'm better off without him, I am sure of that. I won't let his emotional unavailability and cruel treatment erode my self esteem any longer.
This sounds really smart and put together, hang in there. I dont think I could have stayed with my spouse if he hadnt been fully supportive of me. We did work through our issues, but its because he was dedicated to both me and the kids. Take care of yourself ::hugs::
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Old 09-24-2013, 10:23 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Best of luck in the future Purpleboots, I think you have done the right thing. x
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Old 09-25-2013, 12:29 AM
purpleboots purpleboots is offline
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Thanks guys. Hope things are well with you Natja.
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  #9  
Old 09-25-2013, 04:51 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by purpleboots View Post
Thanks guys. Hope things are well with you Natja.
Yes thank you, I am taking my little one on holiday today.
Take care!!!
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  #10  
Old 09-25-2013, 05:22 AM
purpleboots purpleboots is offline
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Yay! So nice to hear. Enjoy!
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