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  #11  
Old 10-11-2013, 05:43 AM
HisPet HisPet is offline
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Default The new girl came over for dinner

And it was my idea After He and I did so much talking, for several days, we are in a much better place. Then I had my monthly book club with some wise s-type friends (each one of them poly) and that helped too.

I feel spacious and generous, much more like my normal self. I had allowed so much hurt to build up because I didn't speak up but now for this moment I'm free of it.

A (his new girl) and I made dinner and it turned out nicely. We started a movie but I'm just too tired and excused myself to bed. The amazing thing - I'm actually fine. They are probably making out or whatever and I'm just pleased to have some alone time after a slamming busy day. When the seemingly impossible happens, it gives me so much hope.

I finally lost it, had to leave work at noon on Monday. I've never had a panic attack but I think that might have been the beginning something like that. I have lots of self care tools and used them. I spent Monday afternoon calming down and writing and deciding what I was going to tell him.

My friend said that I was strong but really it just felt like my back was against the wall. If I continued feeling as I was, our relationship was going to end anyway, so I might as well take the risk to tell him all the hard things. OMG I feel so free and amazing. Within 24 hours I was inviting A to dinner. It proved out what I was beginning to suspect but couldn't know for certain - that it wasn't the poly that was making me crazy - it was that he was being irresponsible by neglecting school, his daughter's education and care, our relationship, and wasn't participating much financially. In that context he started another relationship and I was insulted and enraged. I was profoundly insulted that he took me for granted.

Anyway all that is done for now. It made me happy to make him happy, it is a great service to him to have A over. And she was really happy to be invited.
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Me: mono, 52, serving S in a PE relationship for six years, living together since April 2012
S: has been poly since he can remember, 37
A: His new girl, under consideration
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  #12  
Old 10-16-2013, 02:38 PM
HisPet HisPet is offline
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Default After that it got hard again

Another round of tears and feelings of betrayal - how could he love me as much as he said he did and still want her? But I think I'm getting more and more that he is simply different than I am, his relationship preferences are foreign to me. It wasn't as noticeable when we weren't living together because circumstances forced us into a format that was more comfortable to me (very intense time together spaced apart for alone time and work).

I could write to such over these last two weeks but here is what I know now:
I will give my relationship with S the continued chance it deserves
I will finish my contract with him through July 4th
I'm going to focus on self care and life choices that suit me more
In addition to self care I'm going to try radical honesty
Instead of blaming him for not being present I'm make sure that I am
I'll continue being kind and welcoming to A
Remember that when it feels impossible it turns out that it's not!
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Me: mono, 52, serving S in a PE relationship for six years, living together since April 2012
S: has been poly since he can remember, 37
A: His new girl, under consideration
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  #13  
Old 10-19-2013, 06:06 AM
HisPet HisPet is offline
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Default trying to no do something crazy

I really want to go in to the bedroom and tell him to leave. I can't believe I'm writing this because I know he is a good person. I know that I used to love him, but I don't want to be near him anymore. How can he comfort me if I'm furious at him. Disgusted too.
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Me: mono, 52, serving S in a PE relationship for six years, living together since April 2012
S: has been poly since he can remember, 37
A: His new girl, under consideration
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  #14  
Old 10-19-2013, 04:46 PM
HisPet HisPet is offline
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Default the next morning

I didn't do it, I just eventually went to bed. Woke up hung over from emotional, with a terrible headache.

He hasn't been reading poly stuff, so he doesn't know about the "rule" that you go as fast as the person struggling.

Anyway, I really don't want to get any more upset about a date this a new person (not A) he has with someone a month away. I need to refocus on my own life geeze.
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Me: mono, 52, serving S in a PE relationship for six years, living together since April 2012
S: has been poly since he can remember, 37
A: His new girl, under consideration
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  #15  
Old 10-30-2013, 03:27 PM
HisPet HisPet is offline
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I read my last two posts, so glad that phase seems to have passed. I get so FURIOUS and then I don't act on it and it passes. I'm glad that I didn't throw away a perfectly good relationship based on an emotional firestorm. It was scary that it was so big and that it's happened like five times. It has taken days of talking, including an every Tuesday read/study date - his idea! I love that stuff and he thought of if, means so much to me that he really thought about what is important to me and came up with the idea. It has helped so much - both the talking we do and the fact that he thought of it. I'm much more calm now. Oh and of course I've done a crap load of other personal work to get here.

I just have to remember (again) that feelings aren't facts, they are just indicators that point to work to be done.

Now I'm going to move a bunch of wood around in the back yard
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Me: mono, 52, serving S in a PE relationship for six years, living together since April 2012
S: has been poly since he can remember, 37
A: His new girl, under consideration
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  #16  
Old 11-08-2013, 05:40 AM
HisPet HisPet is offline
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Pops has been in hospital since Saturday, am stressed and at end of my tolerance for everything. Took to my bed this evening, it helped some. But then I made the mistake of reading A's writings on Fetlife. She is gaga over him. I kinda hate him. No wonder he wants to spend time with her.

Poly is is hard again. I have visions of them being together, like flashbacks I've never seen. When he kisses me I she her face. I hate it.
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Me: mono, 52, serving S in a PE relationship for six years, living together since April 2012
S: has been poly since he can remember, 37
A: His new girl, under consideration
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  #17  
Old 11-08-2013, 03:06 PM
HisPet HisPet is offline
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Default another morning after

Got some sleep, feel better.
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Me: mono, 52, serving S in a PE relationship for six years, living together since April 2012
S: has been poly since he can remember, 37
A: His new girl, under consideration
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  #18  
Old 11-08-2013, 04:11 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Default

I am sorry you are still having a hard time. I hope it gets better for you. Sending hugs your way.
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Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Matt (Hubby) - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 13 years and father of our (3.5) children.
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  #19  
Old 11-10-2013, 07:35 PM
HisPet HisPet is offline
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Thanks FOL for the hugs, that was kind of your. I've read much of your blog over the last months. Maybe you'll understand when I say that I'd rather have one incredible, intense, fully tended relationship than a couple of pretty good ones.

I think my partner is fine with the latter and would prefer that to the crucible that is monogamy. But then I have to admit, dealing with him poly preferences has forced us to an amazing amount of work and intimacy.
__________________
Me: mono, 52, serving S in a PE relationship for six years, living together since April 2012
S: has been poly since he can remember, 37
A: His new girl, under consideration
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  #20  
Old 11-13-2013, 02:31 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HisPet View Post
Thanks FOL for the hugs, that was kind of your. I've read much of your blog over the last months. Maybe you'll understand when I say that I'd rather have one incredible, intense, fully tended relationship than a couple of pretty good ones.

I think my partner is fine with the latter and would prefer that to the crucible that is monogamy. But then I have to admit, dealing with him poly preferences has forced us to an amazing amount of work and intimacy.
I understand it now. I was content with the two I had, but I am happy with the one. It scared me at first, and it has taken some time to wrap my head around it. I went to a jewellery launch last night, and I have a new analogy for the shape my life has taken on. What I had with the two relationships was like white gold with included diamonds. The flaws were visible to the naked eye. What I have with this renewed marriage is platinum with internally flawed diamonds. Why IF? The flaws are only visible to those in the marriage. I am where I am supposed to be and with who I am supposed to be with. I will never complain because I have the love of a good man surrounding me and on my team.

Mono and poly each have their perks and drawbacks. Each person benefits in different ways. You have already discovered that the intimacy has increased, and the work has probably made you both better people.

Keep writing out your feelings and asking questions. It is more than okay to speak up for yourself and let him or anyone he is dating know that you are not okay with something. It is a challenge to try to understand things when you have opposing ideals about relationships. Some things are not meant to be understood. Understanding and coming to terms with this is not impossible, though.
__________________
Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Matt (Hubby) - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 13 years and father of our (3.5) children.
Closed.

My Blog
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