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  #11  
Old 09-21-2013, 05:45 PM
TRBG TRBG is offline
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In, no offense taken and I appreciate your concern.

I really did mean for this post to be on the lighter side, A simple look at when the new person stops getting the rose colored glasses treatment. I totally understand how it might not have come across that way.
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  #12  
Old 09-21-2013, 05:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Natja View Post
Thank you TRBG, nice to know that some people realise that not every raised voice is a sign of abuse and psychosis....eugh...too much 'delicate' about nowadays....
[Edit: I re-read Inyourendos post and she did say "abuse". I am guessing that's what you were talking about]

I didn't suggest that there was any abuse or psychosis. I just don't put up with someone taking their day out on me. Every once in a long while, when life is just being a real shit, people get grumpy and aren't responsible with taking care of that - and subsequently ends up being taken out on someone else. I've done it, and other people have done it to me. While I don't consider it a stoning offense I do consider it a problem which needs to be handled more appropriately.

That is why I asked if this was a common occurrence. Judging by... "Nice to know I'm not the only one who has to deal with that." it sounds like it might not be rare.

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Originally Posted by EdmCouple View Post
Having "fights" is going to happen in any relationship. It's healthy.
Fighting is healthy? I would need to hear quite a bit more reasoning to back up that assertion.

I would agree with Natja, that it isn't necessarily a sign that there is something fundamentally wrong with the association... but anything past the very rare disagreement or accidental hurt feeling would need to be put under a microscope.
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Last edited by Marcus; 09-21-2013 at 05:56 PM.
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  #13  
Old 09-21-2013, 06:22 PM
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Yes, I referring to the 'a' word being used and I felt that was uncalled for and I got that the OP was being lighthearted in a 'the honeymoon' is over sort of way.

But in all honesty I can't handle people who shatter as soon as a voice is raised, I am a loud and was raised in a loud environment, it might be a tad cultural as well, I have been in a relationship with someone who found that intensely stressful and I in turn found it stressful to try to curb my natural impulses, in the end I think it was just a very incompatible situation.
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  #14  
Old 09-21-2013, 06:38 PM
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For what it's worth it wasn't really a fight. Those take two people. And yes, there is a cultural element involved.
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  #15  
Old 09-21-2013, 06:46 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Natja View Post
But in all honesty I can't handle people who shatter as soon as a voice is raised, I am a loud and was raised in a loud environment, it might be a tad cultural as well, I have been in a relationship with someone who found that intensely stressful and I in turn found it stressful to try to curb my natural impulses, in the end I think it was just a very incompatible situation.
I imagine it's how people are built combined with how they were raised (as with most personality traits).

For example, I came up in a house where if someone was raising their voice that meant something was wrong. It probably meant that the situation was about to be escalated if whoever was being yelled at didn't capitulate pretty quickly. So, in my relationships, I consider raising my voice or having someone raise their voice at me on anything but *extremely* rare and contextually reasonable occasions to be unacceptable - and therefor (as you said) incompatible.

Though, in my world I still think that someone getting "pissed off" is a sign that something is going on. I understand that some people talk louder and more frequently than others... but what is there to be angry about? So angry that there need to be raised voices or berating going on? That is an issue, in my opinion, no matter how comfortable someone might be with the volume of the voices involved. There is most likely a glitch in the worldview of one or more involved parties (probably everyone involved).

My last long term relationship was an example of a poisonous involvement which should have been aborted. I raised my voice frequently in that relationship, we had fights which were heated and mean... this was a great sign that we had no business associating with each other. I broke up with her, scraped her from my life entirely, and I have been a demonstrably better human for it lol
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  #16  
Old 09-21-2013, 07:13 PM
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So you believe in right and wrong where as I believe in tolerable degrees of imperfection. She accepts my faults as I accept hers. We've been together 13 years and still seem to love each other. Good luck with your quest.
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  #17  
Old 09-21-2013, 07:52 PM
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Hmmm, you know I have always been more hurt by what people say, rather than the volume they say it in....some of the most hurtful things ever said to me have either been written or said in a low voice, my mother OTOH is a bark is worse than her bite person, she can huff and puff but it is all hot air and nothing very hurtful. Consequently, I can handle people blowing hot air pretty well, if I think something is out of order I just say so, I expect the same consideration, two people screaming at each other is, in my opinion not the same thing that the OP was referring to though, people are often far too quick to say 'Oooh raised voice, does that person need counselling? It must be abusive, why are you in that relationship, the stress of dealing with a person who might express themselves that way...it might cause PTSD' Oooh shock and horror, pass the smelling salts.
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  #18  
Old 09-21-2013, 07:59 PM
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I have no problem with people making it known that they feel annoyed or frustrated as long as they are not using me for their emotional punching bag - transferring their unhappiness over some other situation and inflicting it on me. I don't have a problem with people letting me know that something I am doing is annoying or causing frustration. However, that can be done through calm, honest communication. If I insist on provoking them AFTER I have been informed, then that is on me.

However, if someone comes unglued at me when I have simply made a mistake or had no warning and didn't realize something was even an issue, then I consider that behavior to be rude, disrespectful, and childish. If it was a common occurrence, then I would take my leave.
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  #19  
Old 09-21-2013, 08:13 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Default Example of Emotional Punching Bag

I realized the term "emotional punching bag" might not be clear. Here is an example:

I rented a house and had a room-mate. Excellent lady. Very calm and easy to get along with. Her bf (whom I dated briefly before her) did contract work and was on a break between jobs. They asked if he could hang out for a couple of weeks and I had no problem with it. His 17 year old son also visited from time to time. I came home one night to find the bf angry at his son. Okay that's between them. It became a problem when the bf began interacting with me with the same angry attitude that he was utilizing with his son.

Oh hell no, that shit is not going to fly. Just because he is pissed off at the kid does not give him the right to behave angrily with me. Fortunately, a brief, calm statement pointing out the issue was all it took for him to modify his behavior. I did not answer his anger with anger of my own, but objectively stated the problem.
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  #20  
Old 09-21-2013, 10:55 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TRBG View Post
So you believe in right and wrong where as I believe in tolerable degrees of imperfection... Good luck with your quest.
Who are you responding to? I can't figure it out.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Natja View Post
people are often far too quick to say 'Oooh raised voice, does that person need counselling? It must be abusive, why are you in that relationship, the stress of dealing with a person who might express themselves that way...it might cause PTSD' Oooh shock and horror, pass the smelling salts.
[Edit: man, you didn't quote me. I need to work on my reading comprehension lol]

I agree, in general, that people are far too quick on these forums to ramp the discussion all the way up to "abuse" and "coercion". Sometimes people disagree, sometimes they fuss, sometimes they downright fight... but I generally reserve "abuse" for a clearly severe situation (which, I agree, the OP has not even remotely described).
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Last edited by Marcus; 09-21-2013 at 11:04 PM.
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