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Old 09-25-2013, 02:13 AM
willman willman is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: United Kingdom, Lancashire
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Default Can I live with sharing her?? I don't know.

Hi, I'm a divorced guy who has been in a relationship with a woman for 10 years. I live alone, but see her at weekends and we have long holidays together. We mutually enjoy many activities and many of her friends have become mine. We spend most weekends at her house, about 25 miles away, but sometimes at mine. During the week we do our own thing and on occasions do things together. We love each other and in some ways it's been very contented- a bit like a married couple you could say, but she does not want to get married or live with anyone.

The sex side has been good, but over the years, probably settled into a routine. Earlier this year I became aware of little chances in my partner's habits which then put thoughts into my mind... Is she, I wonder, seeing someone else. She keeps a diary, which is very personal to her and she has always said never to read it. I knew approx where she kept it, so I had to look to confirm my suspicions. With the diary, were some long love poems, a tube of lube and the diary full of hot and juicy details of their love making.
Confrontation, anger, how could you do this....lying little shit....and many many more things were said. Tears from both of us. It appears that the affair with this guy had been going on for 6 months - he came onto her at the gym..they have a mutual interest in music, literature etc. She said she thought she could keep us both in separate compartments so to speak - me at weekends and seeing him through the week. He is happily married, doesn't want to leave his wife, he has a circle of friends, but there is no sexual side to his marriage. I told her so you like being his bit on the side - his fuck buddy. She said the relationship with him was not taking anything from us, because our relationship was more settled not at that passionate level that had developed with him. She said she was happy with what we had and was not looking for anything with anyone - it just happened. I discovered the affair at the end of March 13. Three days later she said - it's over, he came through lack of texts from me, stayed an hour, talking only, he's gone and we will not see each other again. She said she was so, so sorry for the upset and pain she had caused.

I love her dearly - could I forgive? One month later, they saw each other again- he took her to the opera on the 6 month date they first started the affair. Further confrontation when I walked in on them when they returned. More tears. Told her it will be over with us I can't put up with you sleeping with another guy. She said she truly loves us both and that we both provide for her interests differently. Me the outdoor life, walking, holidays the face of the partnership with her friends. Him, his knowledge of music, literature. The thing was several holidays, costing thousands had already been arranged. She stopped seeing him, holidays away were good and a wedding for one of her children was in the offing. Then I found out that he had waited for her at the shopping mall that she routinely visits and they had started seeing each other again.She said she has tried to ween herself off him over the summer when he has been away and his wife has had holidays from work, but she is addicted/besotted with him and cant stop seeing him. She stated that she is so sorry for all the pain she has caused and if I decide to say its over between us she will be devastated, but she will have to live with the consequences of her actions. The thing is this has affected me over this last 6 months. With the emotional stress I have lost one and half stone in weight haven't been able to sleep or eat properly. It has also affected our love making/my being able to maintain an erection..... thinking him and her having hot passionate sex together has stressed me out. Also, it's been difficult maintaining a front with everybody, friends, family as if ever thing is normal and happy smiling, when I'm dying on the inside. Although, during the past six months we have maintained a loving relationship to each other - kissing, cuddling arm entwined, holding hands, but the sexual side has been affected. Two weeks ago, I told her that I could not bear it any longer and after the following two weekends which had been arranged - one with friends the other my late birthday away trip, I was calling time.

The two weekends went really good and very enjoyable. At the moment we have no holidays planned - usually we plan things well in advance. We had a long talk on Sunday evening. She now tells me things between them has changed in respect of how often they can see each other. Apparently his wife now works from home and goes into work one day a week, but different days, so it's more difficult for them to see each other... not that she wants to see him less, it's just the opportunity!! She is quite busy during the week days so gets on with her routine/schedule.

So, I left on Sunday evening not making a decision............... can I live with my partner sleeping with another guy?????? truthfully I donít know if I can. His wife retires in 12 months time and so S says it will then be virtually impossible to see each other and the relationship will end naturally. She says she wants it to continue with him for now. S says she has had a shitty life in the past-- guys have left her, husbands have been unfaithful, left her in debt. She knows I haven't .... but then did this to me.. you always hurt the one you love. She wants it to continue for the few more months it may last ( or longer ) .

Sharing your partner is a big ask..( OR IS IT )......... probably the biggest one I'll ever have to make. I love her very much...... if I didn't I would have walked away 6 months ago.

Will ( sorry for such a long rambling tale )
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Old 09-25-2013, 05:15 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,521

Hi and welcome,

Somewhere in those ten years did you have a conversation on exclusivity? Because clearly you feel cheated on ....and from the story it sounds like it might have been a few times.

Issue 1 might be the cheating and trust issue.

Issue 2 ..
Your body is telling you in many ways it doesn't want this ....sleep, appetite, kicked in the stomach feeling, mr happy not getting aroused....maybe you'd be happier finding someone else. How many months or years do you want to live like this?

The other guy is cheating on his wife ...she's been cheating on you Nice couple ....what happens when that guys wife catches him like you caught her ...how does that fuck things up ? What retirement ...now he's free to spend more time with her as much as their NRE heads can handle ....and he needs a place to stay ....wife kicked out.
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Old 09-25-2013, 06:07 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 14,955

Hello Will,
Welcome to our forum.

I'm less concerned about the idea of polyamory here than I am about the sneaking around and covering up so that the spouses can't consent. Even if her current affair ends, how do you know she won't start another affair with someone else?

You need more honesty and communication in your relationship. You can consider polyamory, but there's a right way to approach that kind of life. "Opening Up" by Tristan Taormino is a good book to read; maybe you and she could read it together and discuss your feelings about each part you read.

After you have gained some knowledge about polyamory (and other forms of responsible non-monogamy), you will proabably be in a better frame of mind to decide if it's something you can live with or around.

We have a Golden Nuggets board that you might want to check out. It discusses a lot of the basics.

Give it some time, I guess is what I'm saying. Learn some more before you make any big decisions. Post thoughts, questions, and comments. Ping your threads with new posts if they get lost in the shuffle at first. Get feedback, and ponder what the various folks here have to say.

I hope your wife gets serious enough about polyamory to at least stop having secret affairs. I sympathize with your dilemma, you're getting the short end of the stick right now, and that's on top of the one-man one-woman programming that we all receive.

Good luck,
Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 09-25-2013, 12:08 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

She isn't yours to share. A woman chooses to share herself. It isn't up to you. Can you deal with that?
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
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Old 09-25-2013, 01:45 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,521

Cindie ....great semantic argument. What about commitments and agreements is that factored in ? AND Hey ...that reminds me what about the safe sex talk ...testing ...condoms now. The health risks quadruple with cheaters.....the other guys wife might have found out and went out ...got drunk and had some wild revenge fuck ...lots of uncontrolled variables.
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Old 09-25-2013, 06:28 PM
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Cherub Cherub is offline
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 31

Hello Will,

Welcome to the forum from another new participant. Iím truly sorry to read of the situation that youíre facing. FWIW, I think that if you ask and / or search, that youíll find insights and answers here that would be difficult to find elsewhere, and hope that this will be of aide to you as you consider your decision. I hope that your lady recognizes the difficult situation you're each in and that you're still there making the decision demonstrates how you evidently love her.

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