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  #11  
Old 09-20-2013, 08:16 PM
monogamishSF monogamishSF is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
I won't lie, it's challenging to have them have that first overnight date. ... I've got a bf of almost 2 years and just this summer he's started dating someone new. They've had 2 overnights and I am not feeling great about his attitudes towards dating others in general. He is "more poly" than I'd first thought. You can read the recent posts in my blog here for much more on that. Here's a link to the last page of it. url]http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4162&page=8[/url]

Thanks for this. I am having trouble determining whether I am unwilling to forgive and forget past offenses, or if there is something about the relationship that isn't working for me, or if this is all just par for the course and I'll learn to be fine in the future. I have my eye on it, but I think it's too soon to say.

One thing that is good is that the new person has been poly and in her primary relationship for 4 years, and has her own set of limits and is comforatable and experienced practicing safe sex (I find a lot of women don't care as much as they should about that, which can be, needless to say, a big issue). I find a lot of safety in knowing these things.

I think what I need to work out is quality care from G and a heaping amount of attention after an overnight. We talked so much about what was okay during the overnight that we didn't address the aftermath, and I ended up kind of in an emotional freefall when her social plans for the night after collided with my dire need to connect and process my unexpected feelings.

Magdlyn, I take it you haven't found a lot of success with overnights? Or have you had situations where they continued and you found yourself feeling good?
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under-30 cis femme- and queer-identified female. in a primary relationship with G, genderqueer female, with separate apartments. I also have a FWB, N, that I see every few months. K is a member of a 2012 triad that has since ended.
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  #12  
Old 09-20-2013, 08:18 PM
monogamishSF monogamishSF is offline
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Originally Posted by Inyourendo View Post
The only time N has slept away from home was when he dis medical studies.I try to.stay busy, activities with friends or family , turn in early when he's gone. N doesn't like sleeping elsewhere so I doubt he would spend the night anywhere unless he was doing it to satisfy someone else but I imagine I would treat it like he was at a study
I was treating it like a business trip, or a night apart (of which we have many, without dates involved). It worked for a few hours, but... not the whole night.
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under-30 cis femme- and queer-identified female. in a primary relationship with G, genderqueer female, with separate apartments. I also have a FWB, N, that I see every few months. K is a member of a 2012 triad that has since ended.
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  #13  
Old 09-21-2013, 02:49 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Originally Posted by monogamishSF View Post
Magdlyn, I take it you haven't found a lot of success with overnights? Or have you had situations where they continued and you found yourself feeling good?
Well, the thing is, my gf miss pixi is fine with ME having overnights. Before she and I moved in together this spring, we had 4 years of me dating others, having my own apartment. A couple of these guys did sleep at my place or vice versa, but nothing got too serious. But then when I met Ginger, he started spending one night at my place about every week almost right away. Thing is, miss p and I don't have a history of mistrust, cheating and broken boundaries like you and your partner do. So, compersion was always there on her side. I'd always love her up as soon as I could after a date with another person.

As far as how I feel about overnights for my partners: miss p's first outside relationship didn't last long. The guy liked her, but he'd been gay IDed before he met her, and she was also his first poly experience. His husband couldnt deal with being open, and they split. He dropped out during the separation and divorce.

Her 2nd guy: I was fine with her spending the night. Once I met her bf, I liked him very much and thought he was good for her, and felt lots of compersion.

Now, with Ginger's new interest, the herpes thing is what is bugging me. I'm just not comfortable with them having sex... things are all up in the air. So, overnights are just one more stress.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
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  #14  
Old 09-22-2013, 05:15 PM
Arius Arius is offline
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My partner has gone on a lot of dates. First dates are stressful for me every time. Second dates, too. It takes me a while to trust that the newbie is going to respect her, respect our boundaries, etc.

Things that help:

1. Meeting her date, getting to know them.
2. Having scheduled post-date check-ins / quality time planned in advance. At this point, it is assumed that if my partner has a date, that we're spending at least part of the next day together.
3. Having friends who know what's going on and can offer support. My support network is pretty small, but I've usually got at least one person I can count on.
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  #15  
Old 09-23-2013, 05:41 PM
Hoyam Hoyam is offline
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Good to read all this. My bf lives in another country so when i go see him it will be for more than one night. My husband told me he doesn't like the idea of me waking up with him. No option to start with one single night.
So i read this to know what it is i can do to make him feel comfortable. To make it a little bit easy. For example: would it have been easier if you had a text message for example or not? Is it better to get information afterwards or not? ...
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