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  #11  
Old 09-19-2013, 04:51 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Thank you for more details. I am still sorry you are upset/struggling.

But more details just makes it sound like more drama to me on the (S+A) layer of your polymath. Sigh.

So I'll skip all the (S + A) stuff and zero in on (you + A).

She could deal with her fling and that he seems to be cooling off/no longer willing to continue for whatever personal reason he has.
She's could cope with that in appropriate ways without oversharing her problems with you.
She says she wants to deal with it on her own if they break up. Are you willing to let her do that?

If you had a DADT -- go back to it and self ENFORCE it this time. If that doesn't serve you well, change the boundaries and then enforce THAT.

Quote:
To her credit, she has warned me that she'll need time to heal if things end with S, but I'm an impatient person who takes things personally and will see her refusal to engage with me as a personal insult. A has said to me that's not the case and it's not personal, that she just wants to deal with letting go of S on her own if it comes to that. It's no representative of how she feels about me in her words.
Can you trust her word?

If you know you are impatient and take things personally -- what do you plan to do to change this habit? ARE you impatient and take things personally or is that what she says?

You write a lot about what A says, thinks or feels. She's all over your posts. It's harder to get a line on what YOU say, YOU think, YOU feel. Have you noticed that? If you went back to only pick out YOUR things.... what would you have on your list from your POV?

What does "refuse to engage with me" mean exactly? She will go into a sulk and leave you to deal with all the house chores and parenting and all the rest of it? Neglect her other responsibilities? Stop having sex with you? WHAT?

Quote:
I definitely have a hard time letting go and not trying to control things.
Letting go of WHAT? Trying to control WHAT? HOW? Could you be more specific?

If you cannot identify what it is you feel, how can you identify what triggered it so you can figure out what you need so you can feel better or articulate anything to your partner (or anyone else) to ask for aid?

This still sounds like poly hell and jealousy issues to me combined with communication and boundary issues. I'd still post the same links to you I posted in my previous post. You could go back and read some of that.

You sound rough. What is your desired outcome for you and your wife? What could make life great for you at this time? Could start there. What could that be for you?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-19-2013 at 05:26 AM.
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  #12  
Old 09-20-2013, 12:19 AM
MonoMale MonoMale is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
But more details just makes it sound like more drama to me on the (S+A) layer of your polymath. Sigh.
Yes, it I more drama and I do get the logical thing I can deal with is what happens between me and A.

Quote:
She says she wants to deal with it on her own if they break up. Are you willing to let her do that?
I'm willing to let her do that and accept more that there's nothing else to do but let her do that.

Quote:
Can you trust her word?

If you know you are impatient and take things personally -- what do you plan to do to change this habit? ARE you impatient and take things personally or is that what she says?
Yeah, I can trust her word 100% and I know I can because in the 11 years I've been with her she's always been 100% honest and straightforward. There's no manipulation or game playing with her - what you see is literally what you get. She's definitely the type of person who cares deeply for family and friends, so I've no trust issues with her. A is soooo not the kind of person who just do what she wants and to hell with anyone else. She does care about the emotional and mental impact on me. She's very self-aware, has tried to help me, but knows that she can't do that for me. Bottomline is, she's the most incredible woman I've ever met. Warm, friendly, open, honest, loving, caring and a lot else besides.

How I have deal (or not!) with things has affected her a lot like I've said.

I am the sort of person who is impatient and that can show up in pretty much anything - commercials on TV, traffic, kids, etc. I'm aware I need to find some way of channelling my impatience into something productive - enough things around the house to get on with then! I've also meditated at times, but very inconsistently.

Quote:
You write a lot about what A says, thinks or feels. She's all over your posts. It's harder to get a line on what YOU say, YOU think, YOU feel. Have you noticed that? If you went back to only pick out YOUR things.... what would you have on your list from your POV?
My POV is pretty much in my first post which shows up the control issues I have.

QUOTE]What does "refuse to engage with me" mean exactly? She will go into a sulk and leave you to deal with all the house chores and parenting and all the rest of it? Neglect her other responsibilities? Stop having sex with you? WHAT?[/QUOTE]

No, A would never sulk and leave me to get on with daily responsibilities. She's never done that ever in the years I've been with her - she's way too mature for that and takes her responsibilities in everything very seriously. What I mean by "refuse to engage with me" is A being quiet and pensive - basically, processing things internally. My impatient side starts thinking it's personal, but for her it's not. I have a difficult time just letting someone be and will usually ask a stream of questions instead of leaving them in peace.

Quote:
Letting go of WHAT? Trying to control WHAT? HOW? Could you be more specific?
If I'm honest, I try to control people and their behaviours a lot. Even test them if you like to find out whether or not I mean something to them. I don't trust easily anyway, so a natural consequence of this is the controlling others issue. Somehow or other, I need to find a way to relinquish that desire to direct everything to my liking, to let go of that impulse to judge others quickly.

That's something I need to go into deeper for sure.

Quote:
You sound rough. What is your desired outcome for you and your wife? What could make life great for you at this time? Could start there. What could that be for you?

Galagirl
I want us to be able to communicate, but most importantly understand each other's needs through this situation. A matter of taking the time to figure out my needs and being able to listen to her needs instead of us fighting each other. I also need to get myself back into working out which I've let slide for 2-3 months. Little things like that and take it day by day.

I will check out those links.

EDIT: I realise it looks very much like I've put A on a pedestal. Yes, I have low self-esteem when I didn't really notice it before. I will do self-introspection and really work on my esteem as things other than A seeing S has hit this a lot over the years.

Last edited by MonoMale; 09-20-2013 at 01:26 AM.
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  #13  
Old 09-20-2013, 03:11 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I want us to be able to communicate, but most importantly understand each other's needs through this situation. A matter of taking the time to figure out my needs and being able to listen to her needs instead of us fighting each other. I also need to get myself back into working out which I've let slide for 2-3 months. Little things like that and take it day by day.
These are self-respecting things you could do and be proud of -- learn better communication skills, work at being more fit. WTG! I suggest doing more of these kinds of things.

I'd suggest looking up "Non-Violent Communication" then. (That's just one of the books.)

If your trigger is your thinking behavior sometimes, could consider changing your thinking habits. Maybe look into Recovery Intl or similar.
Quote:
What I mean by "refuse to engage with me" is A being quiet and pensive - basically, processing things internally. My impatient side starts thinking it's personal, but for her it's not. I have a difficult time just letting someone be and will usually ask a stream of questions instead of leaving them in peace.
You call it "impatient" but it sounds more like "anxious" and/or "insecure" to me.

If she is being quiet, she is being quiet. If she is not interacting right now, she is not interacting right now.

Did you ASK her to interact with you? Her being quiet is not her "refusing" you if you did not ask. You seem to be putting evaluation words on yourself. She has not "refused" -- she was not asked by you.

Are you able to ask something like....
" I see that you are quiet and busy thinking. I feel left out and that makes me anxious. I need companionship/connection. Could you be willing to hug me right now for a minute so I can feel connected to you? And maybe make a date to spend time together later when you are not busy?"
...so you can get your need met so you can feel better? She is not a mind reader.

I went back to read your original post. This is the only sentence that came close to what I mean about you stating what YOU think, YOU feel, etc. (COuld be me, I am tired. That's why I asked what YOU would pick out. You did not pick anything out in your reply.)

Quote:
His lack of communication with my wife has pissed me off a lot. I've seen her upset and it's on her mind a lot which I felt was getting in the way of our time together.
It's still not what I mean though. It could be reframed with "I" Statements instead. To help you figure out "I feel this. I need this to feel better. I could ask for _____." That way it helps you keep focus on the behavior that YOU COULD do in this situation to get your own needs met. Including asking for help.

The other way? The POV focus seems to be on behavior of the other people. Look:
  • His lack of communication with my wife has pissed me off a lot. (Implied solution: He could communicate with her so I can stop being pissed.)
  • I've seen her upset and it's on her mind a lot which I felt was getting in the way of our time together. (Implied solution: She could stop thinking of him so it is not in the way of our time together. )

Is this where the desire to control others comes from? Because you are not present in your own thoughts?

The way you think/talk to yourself in your head does not seem to help you find the things YOU could do. To help you feel more in control of YOU and your life and feel more secure living it. Not perpetually anxious like Life things just happens TO you at random.

But like you are the Captain of your Life, deciding for yourself how it plays out.

Could considering changing your thinking habits to see if they serve you better.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-20-2013 at 04:43 AM.
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  #14  
Old 09-20-2013, 12:25 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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GG has some very good advice, but I will definitely second getting back into the exercise routine again. I've fallen off the wagon for a while now (time management is awful, and I have to get my sorry, sleepy ass out of bed if I want to run), but when I do work out regularly, it is a HUGE mood and confidence-booster. When I'm not, it just adds to the, "I suck - see, I can't even work out!" mood.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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