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Old 09-17-2013, 07:35 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Originally Posted by Splash View Post
...he had "discovered" he was polyamorous but in fear of losing me, did not share this information until a week ago.....

.... He has since changed his mind on both accounts. He wants me to himself & would like to start looking for other partners ASAP.
Originally Posted by Splash View Post
...he also desires casual sex outside of our relationship. I can be on board with casual sexual partners but not multiple relationships. The mono perspective is weird, I know.
As per the blue highlights: this is where I personally believe he's not being honest still. He wants casual sex on the side. Casual sex is not polyamory. Yet he's selling you on this (as I read it) that he must have this, that you must allow it and stay with him, because it is WHO HE IS, rather than something he wants to do. And the modern thinking goes, if it's WHO WE ARE, it would be cruel to deny us whatever it is we want as per that particular identity.

Sorry, this is just a guy who wants casual sex. Not that I think declaring oneself polyamorous obligates their spouse to accept an open relationship, either, but I think he's trying to have it both ways, here, tell you he's polyamorous, ie, so full of love, needs this, while at the same time trying to reassure you he won't actually have a 'relationship' or romance with someone else.

As to those highlighted in red, it sounds to me like the dishonesty extends a little farther than just not telling you he wanted an open relationship. Of course, I don't even know him, but my cynical mind reads this as a guy who's going to tell you in bits and pieces--you know, the frog in the kettle routine--what he really wants, because he knows if he dumped it all in your lap at once, you'd kick him to the curb. But I see this as feeding you just a little bit more...and a little bit more...and you decide each step of the way that, wellllll....maybe I could do just that little bit more...and maybe that, too....

Sorry, it's not what you wanted to hear, and not the 'support' you asked for--if by support you mean helping you see this in such a way that you can joyfully stay with this guy and convince yourself none of this stuff should bother you. However, that's my read on it.

I personally feel that if you have to ponder what you're getting out of it, maybe you're not getting enough. And the truth is, love is NOT enough.

I don't find the mono 'mindset' at all weird, btw. I find it a whole lot weirder to come back to someone with the expectation that he be allowed to have casual sex while you wait at home. Did he also bring you a burka?
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Old 09-17-2013, 09:53 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,275

To me this is the offer he's presenting you:

"Let's have concurrent relationships for just me. I will be monoamorous but polysexual/swinging. (Love only you, casual sex with many). YOU will be monoamorous (love only me) and that's about it. No polysexual/swinging for you. No polyamory for you either. How about it? "

You do not like this offer. You are offended you lose options here. You also don't want to risk his polysexual encounters becoming more and turning into polyamorous relationships.

What prevents you from saying "No, thanks. That offer doesn't sound healthy/fun/appealing for me" in this situation?
  • Are you able to be assertive and look out for your own best interests?
  • Are you being pressured?
  • Something else?

We have broken up twice. Mostly due to poor communication (hence my suggestion to see a councilor..)
You broke up 2 times already over bad communication. He is not willing to improve communication between you before embarking on this.

Third time at bat here and he chooses to keep back info about the desire to have casual sex with many. (polysexual, swinging). He presents it as "polyamory" -- which it is not. Doesn't score confidence points in communication by holding things back.
Other than not being upfront about being poly - he is an open & honest person. I do genuinely trust him. I understand why he was so afraid to tell me but that doesn't mean I wasn't angry initially and I honestly still feel some anger about being manipulated (it's only been a week).
I'm not too sure he's trustworthy if he does lies of omission. How this this come out to you where you ended up feeling angry/manipulated? Could you elaborate on how this came to light?

These two things also do not jive:

Since we have been back together, he has consistently said he has no interest in breaking up with me again.
he is unwilling to allow me to be anything but monogamous with him. He admits it is unfair and actually nearly pushed me to breakup with him over it.
Again, this person is emotionally reckless sounding to me. Emotional bully to get his own way and tries various ways to get it. Up and down until you are so worn out that you just give in just so the roller coaster stops.

This whole thing has been an incredible emotional rollarcoaster and as much as I know it is possible for this to work out, I am afraid he will not put the necessary work into our relationship to make this possible.
You are correct to feel unsettled. You are ALREADY OBSERVING that he is NOT willing to put the necessary effort to make Opening possible in a mutually happy way. Sounds like he just wants his own cookies, even if he runs right over you.

If he's that way at the start, how will he be once it is in full throttle? Caring, considerate, communicative? Or more of this pushy pushy to get his own way by wearing you out/down?

You could aspire to "thrive" in your relationships rather than merely "survive" or "endure."

I would strongly suggest you tell him "No thank you. Your offer is not appealing to me."

I think ethical polyamory requires good communication skills (to help minimize conflict) and conflict resolution skills (when conflict DOES happen) to fly well. It's not here. You are not even out of the starting gate and you have plenty of emotional hooha already. Could nip it in the bud and spare yourself future shenanigans by simply declining his offer.

Because it does not sound like yummy cookies for you.

You are responsible for your own well being. You could not sign up for more roller coaster.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-18-2013 at 01:28 AM.
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