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Old 09-17-2013, 02:20 PM
Splash Splash is offline
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Default Mono/Poly Relationship

I have been in a monogamous relationship with my boyfriend (on & off) for three years. When we got back together most recently, six months ago, he knew he had "discovered" he was polyamorous but in fear of losing me, did not share this information until a week ago. Of course I was angry and felt manipulated at first but I was understanding and have been open to having an open relationship. I am not against having infrequent casual sex partners - I feel sex can be separated from romantic love - but I am monogamous and am not particularly interested in sleeping with other people.

When he initially proposed this lifestyle (a week ago) he said it was something he was going to need but wasn't looking to pursue right away - this was very comforting to me as I don't feel we have the strongest relationship & the best communication at this point to withstand this lifestyle. He also said it would be unfair if I wasn't able to also find partners too. He has since changed his mind on both accounts. He wants me to himself & would like to start looking for other partners ASAP.

Yesterday he proposed the following scenario: he creates a online dating profile which features both of us and we both have access to this profile - I appreciate he wants to be very open with me and isn't interested in hiding anything. He is looking to have purely sexual relations with women older than 40 (we are in our late twenties). He is looking to have these encounters once maybe twice a month. I haven't spoken to him about this yet but I would like to put a limit on how many times he can see an individual (3 or 4 times then it's over).

This whole thing has been an incredible emotional rollarcoaster and as much as I know it is possible for this to work out, I am afraid he will not put the necessary work into our relationship to make this possible. I suggested counciling to improve our communication and he seemed to take offense.

Any suggestions/support are appreciated. I'm brand spanking new to all this and feeling scared.
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Old 09-17-2013, 02:51 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Originally Posted by Splash View Post
Yesterday he proposed the following scenario: he creates a online dating profile which features both of us and we both have access to this profile - I appreciate he wants to be very open with me and isn't interested in hiding anything. He is looking to have purely sexual relations with women older than 40 (we are in our late twenties). He is looking to have these encounters once maybe twice a month. I haven't spoken to him about this yet but I would like to put a limit on how many times he can see an individual (3 or 4 times then it's over).
Just for your info, this is non-monogamy, but it is not polyamory. A couple having the casual sex partners is most commonly referred to as "swinging".

That said, the concept of keeping someone from having romantic feelings toward someone else is complicated at best. I'm sure the odds will increase by putting forward the rules of behavior but the risk of developing romantic feelings for someone you (they) are sleeping with is still pretty high. Not to mention the fact that policing other peoples behavior is likely to breed resentment.

Personally I say drop the rules and each of you decide for yourselves what you want from your relationships. Live your own lives and appreciate what you get from each other. Clutching on to a relationship by putting rules on it is just a recipe for failure in my opinion.
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Old 09-17-2013, 03:01 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I'm sorry you are unsettled/upset.

You could listen to your "feeling scared" vibe trying to give you a signal rather than ignore it.

Here's what I see as potential pitfalls:
  • You get back together with an ex (why the split in the first place?)
  • 6 mos in, he wants to Open.
  • He initially says he is ok going slow, now wants to rush
  • Initially he is ok with you seeing other people, now he doesn't want you to
  • At this time, you do not seem to agree on what open relationship model you intend to practice
  • At this time, you do not seem to agree WHAT the boundaries will be
  • At this time you do not seem to agree on HOW to Open while still maintaining (you + him) relationship healthy.
  • You don't feel you both have the strongest relationship & the best communication at this point to withstand this lifestyle.
  • You are afraid he will not put the necessary work into our relationship to make this possible.
  • You suggested counseling to improve communication and he seemed to take offense.

All these things add up to "This is is a strong polyamorous player for me to polyship with... HOW?"

You could say "No, thank you. I have to vote 'no confidence' at this time. I do not feel prepared. You do not seem prepared either. I am not willing to participate in concurrent relationships with you at this time in this manner."

You could be responsible for your own well being. If you cannot go there with joyful heart and good spirit? Don't go there.

It could be less of a pain to break up with him and let him go down the road to shenanigans on his own than allow him to drag you down it.

If you want to polyship on your own with a better prepared/more compatible partner later on, you CAN. But you don't have to go there RIGHT NOW in a mixed up condition with pushy seeming partner if you do not choose to.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-18-2013 at 01:18 AM.
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Old 09-17-2013, 03:03 PM
Splash Splash is offline
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Default but rivityF

I agree it is unfortunate he is unwilling to allow me to be anything but monogamous with him. He admits it is unfair and actually nearly pushed me to breakup with him over it.

He is only interested in casual sexual encounters (swinging - thanks for the clarification), I didn't impose this. He says he isn't interested in having an emotional/romantic relationship with anyone other than me. The only rule I would like to impose is that he only sees these women a handful of times to keep anything emotional from developing.
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Old 09-17-2013, 03:28 PM
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I didn't impose this. He says he isn't interested in having an emotional/romantic relationship with anyone other than me. The only rule I would like to impose is that he only sees these women a handful of times to keep anything emotional from developing.
I'm not sure I understand, are you saying that you are only imposing one part of this rule? If he decided that he wasn't interested in romantic involvement with these women then wouldn't he be the one to decide how to go about doing this? Or are you talking about just suggesting this as one possible way for him to accomplish his goals?

If you are proposing a rule then you are proposing that he restrict his actions to suit you, no?
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Old 09-17-2013, 03:31 PM
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I agree it is unfortunate he is unwilling to allow me to be anything but monogamous with him. He admits it is unfair and actually nearly pushed me to breakup with him over it.
But you self-identify as monogamous. Your problem is that he is proposing that you *stay* monogamous... even though you already are?
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Old 09-17-2013, 03:45 PM
Splash Splash is offline
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I suppose I am worried he will accidentally develop feelings for someone if continues to see them. Yes, he claims he is only interested in casual sexual encounters, and I believe him, but why risk it?

As far as him restricting my behavior - I am offended by the double standard. Yes, most likely, I would not be interested in other partners but I feel it is "unfair" to tell me I don't have this option.
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Old 09-17-2013, 03:59 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Having sex with people often does lead to emotional connection.

You two have already broken up at least once. He wasn't entirely honest with you. He wants unfair double standards. He wants you sitting at home waiting for him while he sows his wild oats. Let me reiterate: he's already shown himself willing to hide things from you. The fact that he's being honest at this moment doesn't change that.

Why are you willing to stay with this guy? What's the upside for you?
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Old 09-17-2013, 04:22 PM
Splash Splash is offline
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Having sex with people often does lead to emotional connection.
Oh man, not something I want to hear. He has been very consistent about this piece though: he isn't interested in having an emotional connection with anyone other than me. He feels Im 'the love of his life' but knows he also desires casual sex outside of our relationship. I can be on board with casual sexual partners but not multiple relationships. The mono perspective is weird, I know. I also realize I have been thinking about all this for all of a week!

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Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
You two have already broken up at least once. He wasn't entirely honest with you. He wants unfair double standards. He wants you sitting at home waiting for him while he sows his wild oats. Let me reiterate: he's already shown himself willing to hide things from you. The fact that he's being honest at this moment doesn't change that.
We have broken up twice. Mostly due to poor communication (hence my suggestion to see a councilor..). We had significant gaps of time apart with no contact. We have a very strong connection / common interests which drew us back together. Since we have been back together, he has consistently said he has no interest in breaking up with me again. Other than not being upfront about being poly - he is an open & honest person. I do genuinely trust him. I understand why he was so afraid to tell me but that doesn't mean I wasn't angry initially and I honestly still feel some anger about being manipulated (it's only been a week).


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Why are you willing to stay with this guy? What's the upside for you?
Well, this is something I have been pondering. We do have a deep connection and very much enjoy & benefit from each other.
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Old 09-17-2013, 04:58 PM
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As far as him restricting my behavior - I am offended by the double standard. Yes, most likely, I would not be interested in other partners but I feel it is "unfair" to tell me I don't have this option.
Fairness is not a necessary part of the discussion, if you are not ok with restricting your behavior to suit someone elses insecurities then you should not do so. The fact that he has a different set of rules is irrelevant... you decide how *you* want to live your life and then do so.

He can decide for himself how much restriction he wants in his life.

Personally I think you guys need to let this illusion of control go. You're loved ones, not employees. Deal with your own insecurities and live your lives.
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