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Old 09-17-2013, 05:25 AM
Neutralwind Neutralwind is offline
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Default Poly possibly going "comitted"? help!

Well first off let me say, I just created an account here today and this is my first post. I had this problem going through my mind all day at work today and slightly (but not as intense) a week prior.

Let me rewind it back, I ended a bad relationship with my last ex 2 years ago and it made me change my views on "marriage/handfasting" (yes i'm pagan) and monogamy and decided polyamory was the most logical lifestyle for a human to live. (i believed in it, so to speak, but never practiced it) I am a man btw, and am almost 6 months into a relationship with a woman. We are both poly (even though she is my only girlfriend, she has another man a state away) but these 6 months things have been beyond terrific. I've never felt such love and respect form a person before.
But... The thought occured to me today that is this relationship continues to develop as lovely as it has, in a few years I will want more than this. I would be happy to advance our relationship further and if possible, marry her. But...this is poly! Why am I thinking this? It's what I feel, so I shouldn't hide it, but if the relationship is going to plateau so to speak....will this be it?
How do couples in poly who are feverishly in love marry, and keep a poly relationship working?

i'm talking to her about it tomorrow. (I'm not wanting to marry her now, no. I just know I could someday if this stays as growthful as it is. Thus...the problem)
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Old 09-17-2013, 05:37 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Not sure where you are confused.

Lots of married folks accept and recognize that they can have that special feeling with more than one person....
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Old 09-17-2013, 05:43 AM
Neutralwind Neutralwind is offline
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I'm just worried (since this is my first poly relationship) that the relationship someday may hit a point where I try to advance it and it is rejected due to her never wanting commitment. I fully support her and her other relationship. I'm friends with the man, great guy, but Is it common for people to plateau poly relationships and keep them just as "dating"?
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Old 09-17-2013, 06:20 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I don't think there is a 'normal' in poly.

For example, My boyfriend and husband and I live together and have raised our kids and are now helping and enjoying our grandkids.
I've been with my bf for 20 years and my husband 15...

Some people plateau at dating I suppose. But not everyone by any means.
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Old 09-17-2013, 06:21 AM
london london is offline
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Why do you think polyamory means "doesn't want commitment"? You know, it's only since I have embraced being poly that I can even think about stuff like marriage without having a panic attack.
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Old 09-17-2013, 09:40 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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By "commitment" do you mean "monogamy"? If not, why do you see commitment as incompatible with polyamory?
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Old 09-17-2013, 09:42 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Hi and welcome

In a few yrs you'll want more. More means what ? Also the assumption is in a few yrs she'll want ( more ) and marry you vs Steve or joe. Then you got the whole hierarchy thing to deal with.


LR .....that's a little misleading on your history.....youre painting a 20yr poly history.....left out the cheating, etc.
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Old 09-17-2013, 11:10 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Neutralwind View Post
I've never felt such love and respect form a person before.
But... The thought occured to me today that is this relationship continues to develop as lovely as it has, in a few years I will want more than this.
Were you under the misconception that polyamorous relationships by definition cannot be committed? Poly isn't a stop along the way to more serious commitments. It simply means that you love more than one person. You can have commitments with more than one person. So, what is the problem?

Also, I think you are getting way ahead of yourself. You've only been seeing this woman less than six months. No need to freak out about the future this early in a relationship - you're still just getting to know each other. Chill.
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An excellent blog post against hierarchy in polyamory: http://solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-i...short-version/
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Old 09-17-2013, 01:22 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Neutralwind View Post
But...this is poly! Why am I thinking this?
As with any major worldview shift, I find that a lot of assumptions get grandfathered in and I can find myself behaving in a way that is no longer in line with my current ideals.

Jealousy is one of those things most have to deal with as they begin to live a more poly-centric lifestyle. Jealousy, like many of these other grandfathered ideas and reactions, is simply something that needs to be experienced, intellectualized, and then move on with the decision that comes out of the consideration. The concept of "the next level" and marriage is another of these concepts which don't apply to me anymore.

I personally find the official ranking of relationships to be something to avoid; marriage is a big one. When the relationship is among equals, everyone going about their lives, no one needs to be given a rank or insignia to prove their love... this is where I want to be. Taking this fantastic relationship and putting external legal pressure and a rank on it sounds like the very worst idea.

BUT!! This is because independence is a core ideal for me when it comes to relating (romantically or otherwise). Polyamory is simply multiple loves (or at least the potential of it), and is in no way descriptive of the nuances of relating within a particular pair. Some people find the ranks of hierarchy and symbols demonstrating "commitment" to be of high value... I find them to be destructive and antithetical to who I am.

It all depends on the chef.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Neutralwind View Post
but if the relationship is going to plateau so to speak....will this be it?
What would this next level be like? Will it add some element that is currently missing from your relationship? Or are you simply falling victim to the traditional inertia which should end with the two of you in marriage?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Neutralwind View Post
How do couples in poly who are feverishly in love marry, and keep a poly relationship working?
I keep my relationship working by not looking at it as something I need to keep working. A "relationship" is just people relating to each other, sometimes sharing expenses, sharing space, having kids/dogs, etc. The idea that the relationship is some third entity which needs special attention is just a distraction, in my opinion. Focus on living your life, being kind, taking responsibility for your actions, being assertive in expressing your desires... "the relationship" will take care of itself.
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Last edited by Marcus; 09-17-2013 at 01:28 PM.
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Old 09-17-2013, 01:43 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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P and I are handfasted, and he and his OSO have also handfasted. He's committed to the both of us. I'm good with that.

You'll find your normal. Just give it time.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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