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  #1  
Old 11-26-2013, 03:57 AM
browniris browniris is offline
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Default Help/Advice

Feeling very alone right now.

A little back ground history… I have been “involved” with a couple off and on for the past two years. Although we were all friends - He, his wife, my husband – at the time - and me… Through a series of events, he and I found that we had an attraction to each other… a major attraction might I add. But being from the south and being married (and him being married too) I felt guilt and I know he did too. Anyway… after the demise of my marriage… the three of us (he, his wife, and I) ended up in a circle ( a triad) of sorts – which even though I had no idea at the time- felt more exciting/comfortable to me than just he and I being together… We - all three of us - even got matching tattoos.. They literally pulled me through my divorce and were ruly there for m no matter what. Talking about two best friends?? But…

To make this story very very short-cause I could go on for days… Recently he and I ended up trying to have a relationship on our own… She and I are not really even on speaking terms right now (although I still love her as much as the first day we were together) due to a bunch and I mean a BUNCH of different reasons. But after about a month of us (he and I) “attempting” to have a separate relationship he e-mailed both she and I today to say that he can’t do the separate thing that he wanted the three of us together.. or they - would move forward. And to be truthful.. I understand where he is coming from.. but it still hurts. All I need to know right now is how you get through this ( not over - cause I truly will never just get over it) but through? I truly feel like I belong with them but cannot for the life of me figure out how to explain that to them.

And fyi… there is obviously SO much more to this story but didn’t want to/couldn't write a book tonight – just would like some advice for a “newbie” (first poly relationship.) on how to move on after two people opened my eyes to a whole new way of thinking??
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  #2  
Old 11-27-2013, 12:37 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Without knowing the back story, this may be inappropriate, but if he wants you to be three, and you want to be three, and being three worked in the past, why don't you all go on as three?
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  #3  
Old 11-27-2013, 01:42 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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She and the wife are not on speaking terms, not sure how the OP is meant to have a relationship with someone she is not talking to?

Also, he gave her an ultimatum, the triad or sod off...why on earth SHOULD she give in to that?
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Old 11-27-2013, 01:51 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is online now
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Successful people in a triad understand that in a group of 3, there will be more than one relationship. There will be, in a FMF group:

Woman A and Woman B
Woman A and Man
Woman B and Man
Woman A, Woman B and Man

Trying to prevent interaction one on one between any of the 2 people is useless and detrimental. Many couples who get a gf to "share," however, do attempt to enforce this rule. This couple can have one on one time, oh yes, of course! But the new woman having one on one with the man is seen as a threat. Sometimes even the new woman having one on one time with the other woman is also forbidden. But usually the "girls" can hang out, talk, cook together, go shopping... it's cute when 2 girls are sexy together!

If you're giving up on this unequal set up, I do not blame you one bit. The advice to "get through it?" Learn from it, understand that any triad that prevents one on one bonding time between any 2 players is probably doomed. If you still want to be poly, consider dating people separately, not as a unit. Don't date established couples. Date a woman, date a man, date another man, whoever you want. Don't settle for being a shared pet for a couple!
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A standing prick hath no conscience. --Bill Shakespeare

me: Mags, female, pansexual, 60, poly-dating, and loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, poly, 38
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  #5  
Old 11-28-2013, 02:50 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Natja View Post
She and the wife are not on speaking terms, not sure how the OP is meant to have a relationship with someone she is not talking to?

Also, he gave her an ultimatum, the triad or sod off...why on earth SHOULD she give in to that?
Yes, I got that they are not speaking now. But the OP also stated that once it all worked very well. What changed?
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  #6  
Old 11-28-2013, 10:25 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
Yes, I got that they are not speaking now. But the OP also stated that once it all worked very well. What changed?

Quote:
due to a bunch and I mean a BUNCH of different reasons.
The OP said.

What ever happened the OP appears to still love her ex but for whatever reason perhaps she was dumped, or the Wife did not really enjoy the sexual aspect, there are plenty of reasons which would make it impossible for a triad to continue, they no longer have a relationship for many different reasons, the OP moved on and wanted a relationship with the man alone as was the original configuration but now...boohoo a Vee is too hard for him, or maybe he misses HAWT 3some sex, whatever he said he only wants the triad or the OP gets dumped and they will move on, perhaps find just another Unicorn from the Unicorn tree that so many couples think exists online. That to me is Assholism 101, I would not be suggesting to the OP that she should give him what he wants. Let him eat cake I say!
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Old 11-28-2013, 03:11 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Natja View Post
The OP said.

What ever happened the OP appears to still love her ex but for whatever reason perhaps she was dumped, or the Wife did not really enjoy the sexual aspect, there are plenty of reasons which would make it impossible for a triad to continue, they no longer have a relationship for many different reasons, the OP moved on and wanted a relationship with the man alone as was the original configuration but now...boohoo a Vee is too hard for him, or maybe he misses HAWT 3some sex, whatever he said he only wants the triad or the OP gets dumped and they will move on, perhaps find just another Unicorn from the Unicorn tree that so many couples think exists online. That to me is Assholism 101, I would not be suggesting to the OP that she should give him what he wants. Let him eat cake I say!
I apologize. I wasn't clear. I was asking the OP to clarify those facts as a preferable alternative to us all guessing.

Last edited by bookbug; 11-28-2013 at 03:12 PM. Reason: Typos
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Old 11-28-2013, 03:20 PM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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It seems then that there are two scenarious:
1) You and the women getting on speaking terms, perhaps even end up in bed, all three of you live a happy triad ever after OR
2) Man continuing with just the wife and you will be on your way

And nr. 1 seems dependant on you enabling her to speak to you again. Will be your chance, but could be a bad start to a worse relationship.

About nr. 2 If he was really poly, he would not have been able to choose between the two of you. First he chose you, then his wife (+possably you, if wife should turn around). He seems unable to deliver. What to do? Let them go. Life is a mystery filled with beautiful people that are less menal work then they are.

Last edited by Norwegianpoly; 11-28-2013 at 03:27 PM.
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  #9  
Old 11-28-2013, 03:44 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
I apologize. I wasn't clear. I was asking the OP to clarify those facts as a preferable alternative to us all guessing.
Ah yes, I see. Maybe it's too personal? It would be good to know
but just going on the evidence presented she should run away very fast and feel happy that she valued herself well enough not to put up with those toxic entitled attitudes.
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  #10  
Old 11-29-2013, 01:16 AM
browniris browniris is offline
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I am sorry I haven't been on here lately to clarify. I will! It has been a crazy week. I do however really do appreciate all of you responses and will respond and give more background soon.
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