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  #11  
Old 09-17-2013, 05:13 PM
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I am currently experiencing a similar dilemma - my metamour is a bisexual woman who has had many partners over a period of years, yet my boyfriend M (her husband) has not - I am his second in that same time frame. When she does overnights, she tells their older teenage son that she is sleeping over at X's house. X being her whichever partner. I dont know if she believes her son is clueless that she is having romantic relationships.

Right now, M is supposed to keep our relationship hidden - he cannot say he is coming to my house to stay overnight, because it may confuse their son. She does not want him to know of of his dad's extra activities.

This distresses me only in that this has limited the overnights that my boyfriend can have with me. I have let him know that I am not happy with this arrangement. I have already met his son, but as a "friend." I don't mind the designation, but the double standard bugs me.

They are talking about it. Honestly, M said it was very stressful to even get her to agree to one overnight a week because of this rule. She thought multiple nights would pop up too many questions. One was my minimum standard to continue the relationship though, so my boyfriend pushed it through. He feels eventually she will grow more comfortable, but I dunno.
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  #12  
Old 09-17-2013, 09:08 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
Double standards tend to breed resentment, however. If one partner says "I can have other partners but you can't" it ends up right there in the other partner's face, sort of like dangling the carrot (or the tantalizing brownie or whatever) he can't have.

It sounds like you're referencing relationships where one partner is actively trying to work through their issues and the other is being patient and accommodating, and that's certainly a good thing. However, I have experienced double standards that are more one-sided. The "I got mine, but you can't have yours" types of things. Those are the ones that get put down, and rightly so IMO.
Indeed, the funny thing, however, is he is almost less patient than I am and has insisted I be treated with respect the entire time-- which includes my right to be loved....or at least cared for (love takes time to develop).
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  #13  
Old 09-17-2013, 09:32 PM
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Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
It sounds like you're referencing relationships where one partner is actively trying to work through their issues and the other is being patient and accommodating, and that's certainly a good thing. However, I have experienced double standards that are more one-sided. The "I got mine, but you can't have yours" types of things. Those are the ones that get put down, and rightly so IMO.
I suppose the reason I said that it annoys me that they can be put down is personal. I was in a situation once where I needed just a couple weeks to process before the next step in my partners other relationship.....it was taken very badly. I was called selfish - amongst other things and it was then a thing of gossip and some people went out of their way to tell me what a horrible person I was. It was very unpleasant. But that's just my personal experience. I'm sure, as you say, most people would view partners working hard together to get the slower mover to the next stage as a good thing.

I'm in complete agreement about the one sided ones. When people issue those type of standards, they're rarely properly discussed and don't seem to take anyone else's needs and feelings into account.
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  #14  
Old 09-17-2013, 10:06 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Josie,

I'm curious what sort of "double standard" you would feel is appropriate (understand I genuinely want to understand your situation). Double standards usually refer specifically to someone wanting something, but denying it to others, such as "I can see other people, but you can't."

If you truly had done something like that, I could understand others being harsh with you....even IF you admitted it was unfair on your part.

But if it's something like, "I understand you want to have a long term partner, but I'm not ready to do anything but short term flings,"-- then I could see where you might be sensitive to blanket criticism of double standards. And it really being perfectly okay.

Or is your situation something else?
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  #15  
Old 09-17-2013, 11:13 PM
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It was more that a metamour accused me of double standards.
At the time:
Me and H: dating and living together (2 years)
Me and P (my girlfriend at the time): dating (6months)
H and B (my metamour): Two or three dates

H was showing interest and wanted to have a relationship with B. I was happy for him as this was his first other relationship since us being together. I did feel that I needed a little time to process and figure out my feelings so that I wouldn't run away with irrational emotions. So I asked if he was happy to take it slow at first and only stay over at hers once a week for the first 3 weeks, he asked for 3 times a fortnight - we both agreed on that. I thought I'd figure out my reactions, learn how to deal with them whilst it was a little more of a controlled environment and then after the three weeks, hopefully, be able to take off the poly training wheels.

The problem arose that B thought that I was doing double standards because I could see my girlfriend as much a liked. I could see where she was coming from, but my girlfriend and I had been together half a year by then, and H really enjoyed having her round the house as they got on very well - still do. Anyway, this all spiraled out of control, nasty things were said, gossip was spread and H and B split up.

And technically I suppose it was double standards, but it was something I was putting all my energy into working on and improving myself and with my partners support.
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  #16  
Old 09-18-2013, 06:17 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I dont see it as a double standard at all.
People who have already proven to be a good fit in our family are welcome to come over without an invitation.
People who have not require an invite.

Likewise-overnight privileges for a relationship are earned with time (as are lots of privileges). Including a willingness to accept the potential for serious interruption (needing to leave and deal with kid crisis) and likelihood of minor interruption (kid calling for goodnight love).
A person who shows a willingness and ability to navigate comfortably thru kid interruptions (oh dear! Sour pea on way to er?!? I will drive u!) will be given much more time and space in our family than one who screeches like a competitive 5 year old "no fair! Its MY night".

I am seriously prone to responses like "no one in this family has a claim on any given hour of the day, least of all someone who hasn't bothered to put in their 8+hours of daily work."
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  #17  
Old 09-18-2013, 09:04 AM
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Quote:
And technically I suppose it was double standards, but it was something I was putting all my energy into working on and improving myself and with my partners support.
Whilst I appreciate this, what you don't realise is that your issues with your partner being non monogamous, a lifestyle you fully consented to and practice, impacted on someone else who is not in a relationship with you. That is unfair on the other person who has only sought to build a relationship with someone who claimed they were available to do that and is a sure sign of couple privilege. Any outside relationships will be governed by the health of the primary relationship rather than being allowed to exist as a separate entity.
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  #18  
Old 09-18-2013, 09:10 AM
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Quote:
Likewise-overnight privileges for a relationship are earned with time (as are lots of privileges)
Who decides when those privileges have been earned? Does the person who is actually dating them get to decide that they have earned an overnight or is it some sort of joint decision that involves the person's other partner(s)?
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  #19  
Old 09-18-2013, 11:06 AM
Josie Josie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
Whilst I appreciate this, what you don't realise is that your issues with your partner being non monogamous, a lifestyle you fully consented to and practice, impacted on someone else who is not in a relationship with you. That is unfair on the other person who has only sought to build a relationship with someone who claimed they were available to do that and is a sure sign of couple privilege. Any outside relationships will be governed by the health of the primary relationship rather than being allowed to exist as a separate entity.
Actually, London, when my relationship with H first started, it was as an open relationship that I consented to rather than a poly one, but over time and with discussion we have both worked through things and expanded upon that. And, in the end, it was H's decision on how often to see her, I pointed out what I felt were my current needs and he was happy with them. Remember, this was my first time ever coming to terms with a relationship on his end.

I can see your point, but what I needed was what I needed - I couldn't change that. Should I have kept quiet and suffered alone? Should I not be allowed any adjustment periods to anything, even when my partner wants to give them to me?
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  #20  
Old 09-18-2013, 07:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Josie View Post
. . . I asked if he was happy to take it slow at first and only stay over at hers once a week for the first 3 weeks, he asked for 3 times a fortnight - we both agreed on that . . .

The problem arose that B thought that I was doing double standards because I could see my girlfriend as much a liked. I could see where she was coming from, but my girlfriend and I had been together half a year by then, and H really enjoyed having her round the house as they got on very well - still do. Anyway, this all spiraled out of control, nasty things were said, gossip was spread and H and B split up.

And technically I suppose it was double standards, but it was something I was putting all my energy into working on and improving myself and with my partners support.
Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
Whilst I appreciate this, what you don't realise is that your issues with your partner being non monogamous, a lifestyle you fully consented to and practice, impacted on someone else who is not in a relationship with you. That is unfair on the other person . . .
I am usually one of the first to say that each dyad should manage their own relationships, and not make rules for other relationships. However, I see the above situation a bit differently. In Josie's example, she was living with a long-term partner and had another that was still fairly new by some standards (6 mos.) but also pretty well established in its own rhythm. Her live-in partner has a few dates with someone new and discusses it with Josie, who then asks him to go slowly as far as number of overnights he has with the new chick in just the first few weeks, so she can process the change in their dynamic. Obviously, there will be a new dynamic to the long-term relationship since they live together.

So, he negotiates with Josie and they agree on a frequency and pace they are both happy with. Of course, some will say, what about asking the new chick what she wants? But this was an agreement between him and Josie about how often he would not be sleeping at home, and for a limited time only - and a brief time period at that (2 weeks). Josie didn't seem to say she wanted to limit all his contact with her new metamour. She didn't ask to control his other relationship, but that the dynamic within her own relationship with him was something she could handle. Hardly unreasonable.

So he informs the new chick, B, someone he had only had a handful of dates with at that point, about the agreement that he has with his live-in partner that will have an affect on the first couple of weeks in his developing relationship with her, and B goes ballistic, saying it is unfair because she sees Josie as doing whatever she wants with her other relationship. But the structure and time allotted to Josie's other relationship has nothing to do with B, and nothing to do with Josie's agreement with H. What if it had been a business trip he had, or some obligation to his family, whatever, that would've limited his time with B? Would B have been okay with that, and if so, why that and not her metamour asking for a slower pace? Does it always have to be me-me-me without any give and take? Even though I am all for egalitarian poly, I think the mistake that was made was that Josie's metamour wanted everything to be the same across the board and no one would get less time to spend with a partner than anyone else does. This is silly. This is making demands.

If I am solo and do not live with a partner. If I were to start dating someone, and he tells me he has an agreement with a current partner which will affect how often I see him, it's not unfair - it simply is what it is. I would only see it as unfair if it comes up short as compared to something else - but what use is it to compare, when all I should do is ask myself whether or not I can live with it. In and of itself, is asking a live-in partner for a limit on overnights for a brief period actually unfair? No, I don't think so. It wouldn't be up to me to try and change their agreement or manipulate the situation to what I want. All I can do is ask if the situation would work for me, if I still feel respected in such a situation, and then I have the choice to either accept it, ask for an adjustment to it and see if he is willing to renegotiate with her to give it to me, or walk away. What good does it do to throw a tantrum, badmouth the guy and his partner(s), and start rumors, as Josie's ex-metamour apparently did? That is idiotic, especially since it was such a short amount of time that Josie and he had agreed to limit overnights. I would have seen it as a time management issue combined with consideration for a partner who just would like an easy transition rather than a sudden change. My desire for a relationship with someone doesn't mean I can't make a small allowance for a metamour to adjust to my presence, though if it became a pattern of control as the relationship moved on, I sure as hell wouldn't put up with that.

People think fair means equal, but it doesn't. Some things that are fair to everyone are not equal, and some things that are equal are not fair. Every case is different, depending on the people and their dynamic.
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Last edited by nycindie; 09-18-2013 at 08:14 PM.
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