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  #1  
Old 11-21-2015, 05:04 PM
polycurious123 polycurious123 is offline
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Default If we're polyamorous, how can I be a distraction from him dating other women?

Long story short, I was dating someone with whom there was an understanding we wouldn't be nesting/life partners. However, we still loved each other and wanted to continue to be together while we both dated other people.

He told me today that he doesn't want to date me anymore and just wants to be friends. He said in the future, after he's met his nesting/life partner he would be very interested in dating me again. But, for now, he wants to pursue other relationships and thinks I'm a distraction from his search for a life partner.

We had a great friendship, fantastic sex, and when I joked about moving out of town a few weeks ago he was visibly upset and asked me not to move.

I was always supportive of his other partners, didn't act jealous or possessive. Help me understand how I could be a distraction? Or did he just fall out of love with me? Could NRE with his other partners be fueling the breakup?
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Old 11-21-2015, 05:20 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
He told me today that he doesn't want to date me anymore and just wants to be friends. He said in the future, after he's met his nesting/life partner he would be very interested in dating me again. But, for now, he wants to pursue other relationships and thinks I'm a distraction from his search for a life partner.
I would take it at face value. He prefers to date you as a secondary when he already has a primary in place.

My guess?
  • He keeps pining for a primary partner because that slot is "empty."
  • You are there filling his secondary slot. So he keeps thinking about turning YOU into the primary person. (Does not sound like that it something both of you wants.)
  • So he thinks dialing it down with you would help him stop thinking about turning you into his primary. He finds these unwanted thoughts distracting.
  • He believes not having a secondary would help him get on with dating to find his primary person.

I might guess wrong though.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-21-2015 at 05:29 PM.
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  #3  
Old 11-21-2015, 05:30 PM
polycurious123 polycurious123 is offline
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Unhappy

Hmm...maybe. I thought the whole purpose of polyamory was to have many loves. He's dating other people, not just me. Why can't he still date me too while he searches? I don't feel like I pressured him or overwhelmed him. I let him lead the relationship at the pace he was comfortable with...then out of the blue, he said he didn't want to date me anymore.
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Old 11-21-2015, 05:39 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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He cannot date you because he thinks you are a distraction from his search for a life partner.

I think that's all the answer you are going to get from him right now.

Galagirl
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  #5  
Old 11-21-2015, 05:53 PM
polycurious123 polycurious123 is offline
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Thanks. That makes sense. When he ended things he said he wanted to pursue things sexually with some other women (he already has another girlfriend, in addition to me). I didn't understand why he would need to end things with me in order to do that? Polyamory gives us the freedom to choose and we didn't have any agreements or restrictions.
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  #6  
Old 11-21-2015, 07:40 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Why not tell him you're confused and need him to clarify what he means? All the questions you have asked here are legit ones to ask him.
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Old 11-21-2015, 07:44 PM
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PinkPig PinkPig is offline
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I'm sorry about the breakup. The unexpected ones are especially difficult. I know you want answers, but unfortunately, sometimes they just aren't forthcoming. Be gentle with yourself as you grieve the loss. ((Hugs))
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  #8  
Old 11-21-2015, 08:18 PM
polycurious123 polycurious123 is offline
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Thanks!
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  #9  
Old 11-21-2015, 08:21 PM
polycurious123 polycurious123 is offline
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We did have a long conversation about it. I think maybe he just doesn't love me anymore, doesn't want to see me and is using that as an excuse. He kept saying "for now" and that he would love to see me again when he has a partner, which confused me. Why in the future, but not now? I think that was probably just to spare my feelings. But, then I unfriended him on Facebook and he sent me a text saying, don't hate me, let's not be enemies. Haven't heard from him since.


Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Why not tell him you're confused and need him to clarify what he means? All the questions you have asked here are legit ones to ask him.
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  #10  
Old 11-21-2015, 08:32 PM
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GirlFromTexlahoma GirlFromTexlahoma is offline
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I can understand his point if view. Finding a primary life partner is HARD. For anyone, but especially for someone who is poly and not compatible, LTR-wise, with the monogamous majority. It's unfair and sucks, but that goes double for poly guys, who tend to be seen as players and commitment phobic by a lot of women. Your guy has to fight against those stereotypes and prove himself as capable of being a committed primary partner.

A big part of that is time, attention, and affection for his potential primary. And he just may not have enough of that to go around right now if he's already dating multiple people. It's hard to find a primary/nesting partner when all you have to offer is one or two free nights a week.

I get how unfair and confusing this must feel to you especially since you've worked hard not to create rules or expectations that keep him from searching. But maybe its easier for him to redefine the relationship as "platonic friends for now" than to reduce his time/contact with you while still trying to maintain a relationship. Maybe he feels a clean break / time-out is easier and preserves the friendship better than letting the romantic relationship die of neglect as he gets wrapped up in a new partnership.

Can you see yourself enjoying friendship with him, without the dating part? If you can, give it a shot, good friends are rare If not, I'd step back, because while dating again in the future sounds great and all, there's no guarantee.
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