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  #1  
Old 09-16-2013, 07:10 AM
westVan westVan is offline
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Default Wtf

Ok, I need input into this weekend. I'm having a WTF moment.....
The best place to start is the beginning I hadn't spent any significant time with bf for over 5 months and he's here for 5 days , great time together so I hoped but didn't turn out the way I had hoped so need some prospective on what went down.
Wednesday night he arrives late, we spend the night reconnecting as I always have trouble connecting after not seeing each other for that long, great sex, fall asleep in each others arms, alls good
Thursday we both have work so up early and he is planning a few meetings then back to my place to work online till I get home. I leave work early excited that he is waiting for me and I want to know that feeling of what it's like to come home to someone. Nope, I get home he's not around I get a text saying he's working at an office downtown and will be back around 6:30.... Really disappointed but we have always said work first so what ever so move one-right... I prep dinner and he gets back close to 7, we sit down to eat and he gets a text message from wife telling him her flight arrived and what her plans are with her bf for the weekend,, they are texting back and forth while eating dinner and I go ballistic, this can't wait, how rude to text while we are eating. I would be that way with anyone but I had spent hours cooking what I though was a romantic dinner and he's spending the time texting his wife . So big fight and bad night.
Friday he is is off to another town for the day so early up and off to the airport for him and work for me, he'll be back by 8 and fine night.
Saturday nothing special planned just walk around town and shopping ,but he has arranged for us to have sex with someone I have never met and I don't think he had either, and on top of that in the morning he informs me that 5 months ago he and wife had unprotected sex with an person they didn't know. First I have heard of this , but He informs me this is not the first time since we have been together this has happened and won't be the lasts. I am uncomfortable with this information but rather than react I take the day to process the information .
Saturday night everything goes down hill, I can't have sex with someone I don't know, just something I am not into, and the knowledge of the having unprotected sex really is a concern to me. So again loud discussion and going to bed without touching or talking.
Today Sunday we talked and he seems to think he is being ethical and his marriage has the right to do what they want without my knowledge consent or concern.But to me , it puts my health at risk when they engage in this behaviour or at least that is how I feel.
Am I wrong in saying this is unacceptable behaviour because I will never accept this in a relationship.
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  #2  
Old 09-16-2013, 09:09 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by westVan View Post
Am I wrong in saying this is unacceptable behaviour because I will never accept this in a relationship.
With all due respect what kind of dumbass question is this? You know very well what the answer is to this question. DTMFA!!!

What a rude, disrespectful arse. His wife can do whatever she wants with him and let them play Russian Roulette with their health but you don't have to be victim to their self centred actions.
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Old 09-16-2013, 12:32 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Yes, it's unacceptable.

My question is the so-called 'dumbass' question arose because there are those in the poly world who are so big on labeling things 'controlling.'

Yes, you absolutely have a right to know about things that affect your health. Dump this guy.
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Old 09-16-2013, 12:46 PM
westVan westVan is offline
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Default Dumped

It was over between us as soon as he told me what they did, no need to doubt that, but was just having a WTF moment.
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Old 09-16-2013, 12:50 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Ah, darn, where's the thumbs up smiley!?

There were many reasons I chose to become a single mother to a big bunch, with only a part time job. XH taking chances with MY health was one of the big ones. I can GET a job, I can get ten jobs, but I can't necessarily get my health back.

I hope things are going well for you.
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  #6  
Old 09-16-2013, 01:22 PM
london london is offline
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What agreements did you actually have regarding safer sex and also communicating with other partners whilst together?

Quote:
Today Sunday we talked and he seems to think he is being ethical and his marriage has the right to do what they want without my knowledge consent or concern.But to me , it puts my health at risk when they engage in this behaviour or at least that is how I feel.
Am I wrong in saying this is unacceptable behaviour because I will never accept this in a relationship.
Well, this is what I mean... what arrangement did you actually make with one another? You see, if you only made agreements to fluid bond and no stipulations about who else he can fluid bond with, then he hasn't done anything wrong. If you think he is too risky to fluid bond with, use contraception.
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Old 09-16-2013, 02:05 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Red face

Quote:
Am I wrong in saying this is unacceptable behaviour because I will never accept this in a relationship.
Wrong for WHO? You can express how you feel in appropriate ways. There's nothing wrong in that.

If you had established "up front" disclosure agreements between you? And he had sex with you and LATER told you about unprotected sex encounters? He failed to meet agreements between you for "up front." It's behavior done/not done -- and he failed to do. His behavior is UNACCEPTABLE to you.

If you did NOT spell this out, and assumed? Now you know other people don't have the same expectations/assumptions as you do. You could take more care with your own well being and not fluid bond with partners who are not aware of what is/is not important to you in regards to sex hygiene. You could make them aware. In this scenario? His behavior is unacceptable to you. Your behavior (in assuming) did not serve you well.

Either way? Whether from broken agreements or assumptions -- you prob still feel yucky. Along with break up UGH. So I'm sorry.

And either way... you still get to decide what you will/will not participate in the next time. So now you get to choose what to do next for yourself and your well being.

Hang in there!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-16-2013 at 02:29 PM.
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  #8  
Old 09-16-2013, 02:27 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by westVan View Post
It was over between us as soon as he told me what they did, no need to doubt that, but was just having a WTF moment.
Sorted!!!!!
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Old 09-16-2013, 02:44 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by westVan View Post
It was over between us as soon as he told me what they did, no need to doubt that, but was just having a WTF moment.
I am glad you are happy with your decision to end the relationship, but I would also like to encourage you to take a look at your part in what went wrong. So often when people break up they tend to super-focus on the sins of the other person and neglect the opportunity to improve their own skill sets.

For instance, the texting during dinner debacle. Are you aware of the basis for such a high level of emotional reaction on your end? Have you taken some time to reflect on your expectations and whether or not they are reasonable to put onto your partner?

Also, take a look at your decision to get involved with what sounds like a strictly hierarchical married couple in which "secondary" couples receive drastically reduced ability to influence their own relationships. While there is a third party who gets authority over your relationship there will always be a very real risk of this kind of odd power struggle (which you will always lose).

Anyway, it sounds like this guy was a real dud, but it also seems clear enough that he wasn't working alone - you probably helped quite a bit so I hope you take the time to learn from it.
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  #10  
Old 09-16-2013, 03:40 PM
westVan westVan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
I am glad you are happy with your decision to end the relationship, but I would also like to encourage you to take a look at your part in what went wrong. So often when people break up they tend to super-focus on the sins of the other person and neglect the opportunity to improve their own skill sets.
Yes I have taken some time and still am reflecting on my part in all of it,
I truly believe in being accountable for my own actions,emotions and responses.
I had laid out my limits and expectations with regards to unprotected sex to both him and his wife.(among other limits) and they had independently agreed to them.
This is a hard limit for me that will not change ever, he needs that in his life because as he puts it "it is who he is".
We didn't end in anger, just a quiet sad discussion that we are at an impass and we will never get over it. Not trying to change eachother just the way it is. I will miss him and am sad it came to this. but there is no going back.
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