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  #11  
Old 10-16-2013, 03:32 AM
pulliman pulliman is offline
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Default One step out

Told one sister. About AM and WI and me.

She wasn't surprised at all. (She knew about EL.)

She said, probably second sentence after I told her about us three, "you must be loving this." I said, "well, I've found that I'm not always necessary..." and she stopped laughing about give minutes later.

What a total sense of peace and acceptance from her. What a total sense of being KNOWN. What an incredible feeling.

What did she want to know? How it came to be. And that we are doing well. Communication, sex life, a round robin of attention and listening - those were icing on the cake. Our creation story made sense, even with an outwardly straight wife, and that's what she needed to know.

And it really does feel amazing to have her know, have her understand me, and feel safe. She's the only family member to know about me and poly. I'm totally in the closet with family and all but a few really close friends. To feel this safe is an incredible feeling...
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  #12  
Old 10-21-2013, 02:48 AM
pulliman pulliman is offline
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Default Short update

I should write more often. Just to remind myself later on of the things as they felt at the time.

WI and AM and I were at a party recently. Since we're pretty deeply in the closet about being together (though talking about how and when that might change), WI and I got to act like a couple... while AM got hit on. Her dress WAS pretty hot, her smile so pretty... but we were all frustrated by it. Later on, there was dancing and we three danced together the whole time. Muuuuch better.

Today, the usual texts and communication. Dates are planned for the week. A few errands run for each other.

I wonder when we'll be able to leave this closet. AM and I are more ready but also more reckless. WI isn't ready. And the timing isn't right, for professional and still personal reasons. Maybe someday. Who knows. Maybe never.
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  #13  
Old 11-04-2013, 02:38 AM
pulliman pulliman is offline
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Default clarifications and commitments

I haven't written in a while, mostly because I forget to write about our own life. And, while things are changing, it's hard to write about them.

The past two weeks haven't been easy. Basically, the end result of what happened is that we have said out loud that we are in a committed relationship with each other, but getting there was rough, at times. AM had to pull back (with a promise of returning - she needed alone time, though), feeling stretched too thin and caught up in the contradictory things she was hearing from WI and me. Here are some of the details:

My wife was saying, at times, no, we're not dating. At other times, she was possessive and jealous. That wasn't fair to AM, and we've clarified that moment of miscommunication.

As my wife knows, I have been thinking about AM living with us, but from AM's perspective, I wasn't doing anything to move that forward. This felt like a promise, on the one hand, and a lack of delivery on the other. Again, that wasn't fair to AM, and we've clarified a lot of what was going on there.

In the process of feeling like we were saying contradictory things, AM wasn't hearing us talking about how much we wanted to see her. She was feeling left out and unable to get any closer to us. We got to the point where her time with us was painful, because the start of every moment was already filled by the feeling of having to go away again. That wasn't fair to us, and she's told us how much better she feels, now that she sees what is going on.

Basically, without us really paying attention, we've created a new fabric in which we are all interwoven. It's not that my wife and I are intertwined and AM is on the outside. That's what she was afraid of, and wasn't hearing us about our desire to be with and include her. But, it's clear that my wife and I have rewoven parts of our marriage, and that she's a thread flowing through all of it. She's part of the fabric, and our marriage doesn't exactly feel right without her included. This feels like a big step, and frankly, we're all scared a little shitless to realize what is going on. Suddenly, we're in a committed, closed, poly-fi relationship (except that they know about and are totally cool with EL, my long term long distance partner...). Wow. I don't think we're quite at the level of (paraphrasing dagferi) "I have two wives! how did that happen?!" but it sure feels like some major step happened. Just saying the words, talking about the fabric (in those words) was a big deal.

I'm really happy. For all the miscommunication, it was a classic moment of feeling "what were we so worked up about?" as soon as we understood each other. Thank god for the patience to keep communicating.

It's been helpful to have people who have been through this to write and PM to, but I do wish that the forum's system for private messages was better. How can you find the email you sent? It seems to disappear into the ether, until you get a reply (thanks peabean, you've been really helpful...). As always, the idea that there are others out there to give advice, or share some thoughts, is really great.
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  #14  
Old 11-08-2013, 05:02 AM
pulliman pulliman is offline
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Default expanding spaces

I don't know which to write about, so I'll give a summary of events before going into a larger story.

Tonight was a nice date with AM, in that we had some alone time with each other. It's nice when the three of us are together, but it's really important for us to have couple time. Because I live with WI, AM sometimes gets envious and hurt that I'm not with her as much as she would like. Or I would like. So tonight was a nice time of really happily being together, lots of giggling and stupid story telling interspersed with the hard conversations of real life and all that. We've seen each other every day for the past week - feels wonderful - but tonight was special.

I do like seeing her every day. So does WI. And AM. So we keep skirting the idea of what it might mean to live together. Since we have to be closeted for now, it's an impossible thought. But it's a returning thought.

Anyway, that's not the big deal of the evening. I think I've written in the past that EL and I started as an affair, but persisted through some traumatic times, and settled into a loving long distance relationship that was at least tolerated by our spouses. Over a few years, it became a bit more secure, and after a while even tacitly supported. We screwed up a LOT when we started (an affair, and then afterward we weren't perfect), but they stayed with us as we figured out what this non-monogamy deal was, and they eventually believed us as we insisted that we wanted to stay married. (I think that's the hardest attitude to convey on this board - the desire to stay with someone through thick and thin, even if that means years of hardship and incompleteness in some areas, while enjoying the other areas.)

My wife was bitterly against non-monogamy, for years and years, until she fell for AM. And that opened her up to how her behavior felt to me, in the past - rigid rules and hard lines, serious constraints and unforgiving anger. Betrayal can do awful things. We worked it out. Things got better. But from her perspective now, she sees how hard it was on me, and how much I did to build trust, again.

Tonight, she wrote to EL. To say thank you. She wrote to thank EL for helping me become who I am, for helping me find to my true self, even when she herself didn't want to see it.

I'm bowled over. I'm honestly about to cry. It feels like a huge step was taken to resolve hardships of the past. It feels really amazing.
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  #15  
Old 11-08-2013, 10:51 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pulliman View Post
It's funny, people hate on the unicorn seekers, but we didn't go into it seeking that. We didn't expect this triad. The two are quite open to the possibility that I'll be the hinge in a V that includes sexy threesomes but not them as lovers, outside of explorations like tonight.
That pretty much sums it up. The non-seeking, open-minded attitude is precisely what makes you not unicorn hunters.

This whole thread exactly how triads can and do work. Specifically, when they just happen and you're not attached to any particular outcome other than everyone's mutual happiness.
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  #16  
Old 11-08-2013, 11:26 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I am horrible about leaving comments in the blog section, but I am following your journey. It is refreshing. I hope it continues to go well for you all. And that was incredibly nice of your wife to reach out to EL and thank her. What a class act!

Ry
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  #17  
Old 11-08-2013, 02:08 PM
pulliman pulliman is offline
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Wow... thanks for reading.

Yes, it is amazing that my wife would reach out to EL (who wrote me privately what a momentous event it was for her).

And thanks, SC, for the vote of confidence about our emerging triad. We're still struggling with details - in what way do we grow in the direction all of us sense is possible, without pushing for things to happen that destroy a dynamic that isn't quite there, yet? It's like any dating situation - when do you know you're headed toward marriage, what happens if you figure out you're not, and all that...

We're pretty strongly bonded. (Just talked on the phone with AM who told me WI snuck over for a make out session before work - hilarious!) But there's so much living to be done as we figure out how to do what we aren't even sure we want to do, yet. For us, for the moment, the "living to be done" is the important part. We'll end up where we end up as long as we don't expect too much beyond this moment and the next one.
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  #18  
Old 11-08-2013, 05:29 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I'd like to comment as well.

You 3 are deep in NRE. The feeling of wanting to be together every moment is a symptom of NRE. Please do not rush into moving in with AM (or vice versa). Personally I think anyone, mono or poly, should wait at least a year. You also contradicted yourself upthread, saying at one time, the heck with one on one dates, let's all be together all the time, then saying, being one on one is nice, different and necessary for bonding.

Also, this is somewhat prurient, but you say your partners are in denial about being bi and having also the ability to love more than one partner (ie poly). You say the women kiss, but I am wondering if they actually... um, do sex? Touch each others' breasts, kiss them, touch each others' genitals, use toys, oral sex? If it's just kissing, I can see how they can still be in denial of enjoying lesbian sex! I'm just confused. I get not liking labels, but I do not get denying attraction, desire, and the fact that one is actually having sex with someone of the same gender.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 61) loving miss pixi (poly, F, 39) since January 2009, living together since 2013
Punk, 42, ex bf, manchild. I've been Punk'd!
"Master," (mono, 34), miss pixi's Dom for 2 years

Last edited by Magdlyn; 11-08-2013 at 05:32 PM.
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  #19  
Old 11-08-2013, 06:41 PM
pulliman pulliman is offline
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Thanks for the questions. We realize we're in NRE. That's one reason decisions aren't actually being made. But knowing that they're decisions we're thinking of making is already a big step. We wouldn't even really consider it for another year, if we were talking seriously about it - various many circumstances keep us from moving any faster.

As for the two of them - they're not in denial about being bi, and they have sex, just fine. No toys (don't like 'em...) but the rest? sure. And they enjoy the hell out of it, ahem. They're not interested in any other women, never have been, and fit into a category of "mostly straight," which we found a couple of papers and articles about, as they were figuring it out.

As for being contradictory - yeah, as the weeks go by, we are interested in different things at different times. There was definitely a point when we all three wanted to be together as all three of us. Right now we're in a place where one-on-one dates are really treasured (and encouraged by the third person). Later, we'll change again. I would claim that's normal. I mean, it's true with my family, too - sometimes I want one on one time with members, sometimes I am all focused on the whole family doing stuff together. That's just human, I think.
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  #20  
Old 11-08-2013, 11:58 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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OK, mostly straight on the lesbian/straight continuum. Just a little bit bi. I know there is a continuum. I'm kinda 60% straight, 40% lesbian and all queer!

Glad you like each other enough to make long range plans of maybe all living under one roof some day. (Although it might be nice to have 2 houses very close by instead... Just so everyone has plenty of personal space, but visiting often back and forth is easy.)

When I first met miss pixi, we made long range plans: she said, let's go to that special music fest together in 8 months! That was exciting enough (as proof she really liked me), to have her ask me to go to that festival so far in advance. Planning to move in together took 4 years. But I was just out of a 30 year marriage, she was just out of a 5 year relationship/ engagement and we both had apartments we liked a lot, as single gals.

When we moved in together, we made sure our house was big enough so we both have plenty of personal space for hobbies, to have other lovers over, etc. You have a bunch of kids between you. Not sure how many kids the gf has, but are you ready for a huge family??
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 61) loving miss pixi (poly, F, 39) since January 2009, living together since 2013
Punk, 42, ex bf, manchild. I've been Punk'd!
"Master," (mono, 34), miss pixi's Dom for 2 years
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