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  #71  
Old 06-29-2014, 12:43 PM
Hannahfluke Hannahfluke is offline
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Originally Posted by AlwaysGrowing View Post
I've been talking to Cutie a lot today. It's making me realize how much my experience with Doomed has affected me. I'm so much more reserved with new people than I used to be. I'm feeling almost panicky and like I need to escape. Why? Because she likes me. A lot, apparently. I don't even know how I feel about her, yet, but she apparently sees potential and it terrifies me! My mind keep spiraling out at how horrible it was last time I fell in love and it makes me never want to do it again. I don't want to get hurt. I don't want to inadvertently hurt someone.

Boy and Hubby tell me to suck it up. That I'll never feel ready unless I jump back into dating and see how it goes. All day I've just wanted to shut down all my emotions so I can think clearly. That's not good.
I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in this feeling. Last May my ex-boyfriend broke up with me. What I had with him had been intense and amazing and when he dumped me, I felt like no one would ever love me again (it didn't help that my husband and I were having issues, so I didn't feel like I was lovable in that relationship either).

I was so scared to start dating again, because I never, ever wanted to feel that way again. I finally decided in April that I felt like I was in a stable enough place to maybe start dating again. I went to a poly speed dating night that our polyamory support group had. I met a few really nice people, one of whom I've been talking to daily since the beginning of May. We've only managed one lunch date and he came to a party my husband and I hosted. He's just really busy between work, volunteer work, and his wife and girlfriend. It's very casual, though we both like each other. And it scares me to death. I almost broke it off a few times in the last two weeks, because I'm feeling vulnerable and scared and want to put all my walls back up. I guess I'm afraid of being hurt again.

I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone. We can both get through this and come out on the other side stronger and not letting our past haunt us, but it's difficult and sometimes it just feels easier to give up. Let me know if you need someone to talk to!
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  #72  
Old 06-30-2014, 01:02 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hannahfluke View Post
I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in this feeling. Last May my ex-boyfriend broke up with me. What I had with him had been intense and amazing and when he dumped me, I felt like no one would ever love me again (it didn't help that my husband and I were having issues, so I didn't feel like I was lovable in that relationship either).

I was so scared to start dating again, because I never, ever wanted to feel that way again. I finally decided in April that I felt like I was in a stable enough place to maybe start dating again. I went to a poly speed dating night that our polyamory support group had. I met a few really nice people, one of whom I've been talking to daily since the beginning of May. We've only managed one lunch date and he came to a party my husband and I hosted. He's just really busy between work, volunteer work, and his wife and girlfriend. It's very casual, though we both like each other. And it scares me to death. I almost broke it off a few times in the last two weeks, because I'm feeling vulnerable and scared and want to put all my walls back up. I guess I'm afraid of being hurt again.

I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone. We can both get through this and come out on the other side stronger and not letting our past haunt us, but it's difficult and sometimes it just feels easier to give up. Let me know if you need someone to talk to!
Thank you, Hannah. I love that your first step was also speed dating. haha The struggle really is fighting through the panic. We can do it!
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  #73  
Old 07-01-2014, 01:53 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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Feeling kind of sick - fairly sure it's just allergies after camping last week, BUT not being able to breathe out of my nose is a bummer and makes work soooo much more draining. My coworkers asked me multiple times today if I was okay because I would just stop and take a few deep breaths in the middle of walking somewhere. I straight up forgot to breathe at times because it was easier to just wait until I was done with whatever I was doing than to huff and puff through it. Weird.

Life's okay. I'm taking the week off from seeing people. No Cutie, no Boy, no new people (one of the guys I'm supposed to be seeing soon called me, actually CALLED, to reschedule when I said I was feeling kind of tired with allergies). I think it'll be good for me to re-charge.

Hubby and I had a wonderful weekend together. It was beautiful. We were both too tired by the time we had privacy to have sex, which was a bummer, but at least we're reconnecting in some really awesome ways. And totally cuddling more at night.
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  #74  
Old 07-03-2014, 12:04 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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I'm feeling much better. It's been good to have some alone time to do whatever I please.

I've been talking to a lot of new people. Most of them are just looking for friends/maybe friends with benefits, and I think it's awesome. I'm still kind of burnt out on making relationships work, it seems, and I already have a couple of people (Cutie and the guy who doesn't have a name yet since we haven't been on a date since speed dating) who seem to really want to make something work sooooo... My potential relationship card is full at the moment. You can never have too many friends, though, and I could definitely use a sexual outlet for weeks that I don't see Boy. Which could become more often since I've realized I haven't missed his company. :/ Granted, we still talk daily so I'm getting most of the fun part of our interactions. I'm just tired of just sitting there when we're together. I guess I could try to talk him into doing more fun stuff, but it's so difficult to motivate him to get out of the house. Hm. Decisions, decisions.

I'm excited for this weekend. Lots of fun things planned with Hubby. Okay, only a few fun things, but they'll be with hubby so it's awesome!
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  #75  
Old 07-06-2014, 05:39 PM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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I decided to get drunk last night. Which has been going well for me lately - I drink, I have fun, it's all good. Last night it was not. Nothing seemed to go how I wanted/expected it to so I ended up curled in a ball crying, again. Because when I don't have a fun outlet, I get too caught up in my head and relive the past. Not good. People just need to be there to be a fun outlet for me. lol Or I need to figure out how to not cry about Doomed again and again.

Love and relationships don't work out all the time - why is it so hard for me to accept?
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  #76  
Old 07-08-2014, 12:24 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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Boy is so ridiculous. We haven't seen each other in two weeks, and he is so pent up and horny. It's cracking me up. I thought I was going to have the day off today, and he was all ready to leave work for a couple of hours to come over. I ended up volunteering to work anyway, so it didn't work out. I've been telling him to call someone else - I personally know at least one woman who would jump at the chance of sleeping with him again - but he keeps coming back with "When I want my (AlwaysGrowing), I want her. Not someone else." He hasn't been out on a date with anyone else in months. He says he doesn't have time, which just isn't true. Sure, he doesn't have consistent time since he's a workaholic, but he could definitely start casually dating easily enough. I'll see him this weekend, though, so he can shut up.

Work is driving me nuts. The bitchyness of those women... It's maddening. I'm hoping my boss will step up and take care of a few things once he's settled into the job.

Other than that... Life is good. Hubby kicks ass. Cutie is starting to back off a bit (which I consider a good thing), but we're still planning to hang out sometime soon. I've set up a date for Hubby and I this weekend with a couple from a swingers' site, and I'm trying to firm up some plans with a guy from speed dating. Busy, busy!
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  #77  
Old 07-11-2014, 06:56 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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I had a date tonight with the other guy I matched with at speed dating. Or I thought it was a date. Apparently he and his partner are thinking about closing their 'ship for a bit to work on some things, so he's only really looking for friends. Good to know, right?! Not that I mind. I like making friends, and he seems like he would be a good friend to have. Very interesting, considerate, and smart. We had some great conversation (poly related and other) and some very comfortable silences. Overall, a great few hours spent with someone new.

Boy's coming over tomorrow. Probably just sitting at home. I'll make him scratch my back. My skin is so dry this summer, I itch all over!

Hanging with my coworkers and their families this weekend. Hubby is NOT excited, but he agreed. Yay Hubby! I agreed to go to the nude park/campground thing for a day, though, soooo we're going to call it even. My itchy skin doesn't need a sunburn added to it, so we'll have to be careful. I'm sure there are shady trails or something we can do instead of hanging out by the pool, although that defeats the social aspect of going.

My life is feeling pretty boring these days. I'm feeling both homebody-ish and desirous of getting out more. I think I just want to get out more with people I know instead of all these new people. Maybe this new guy will become someone I can hang out with without expending energy. He seems to relate to people similarly, and we were pretty comfortable this evening. We'll see!
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  #78  
Old 07-15-2014, 03:29 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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Boy totally scratched my back without me even asking. haha It's the little things in life. We ended up going for a really lovely walk after eating a pretty delicious dinner that I cooked. He always thanks me when I make him do things like going for a walk. He gets so used to be tired and sore all the time that he forgets to enjoy it when he's actually feeling well.

Hubby and I ended up having the weekend to ourselves. Funky weather made the coworkers cancel. It was kind of nice! He wasn't excited in the first place so I know he was kind of glad they bailed.

Cutie has gotten pretty flaky. I wanted to see if she wanted to go see a movie this week that I thought she'd like and she didn't respond for days. I already made plans for the day by the time I heard from her. I sent her a text to tell her nevermind since I hadn't heard and THEN she responded saying she would have loved to go. Women baffle me.

I'm talking to a new couple on OKC. They seem sweet, but very unicorn hunter-ish which worries me. He's not really my type at all, either, so I'm not sure that it will actually go anywhere. It's fun, though.
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  #79  
Old 07-19-2014, 06:48 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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I feel happy today. I had a great week. I spent some awesome time with my coworkers (who still annoy the shit out of me at work sometimes, but I'm able to separate it).

I had a wonderful evening with Boy the other day. A nice dinner, too much beer, cuddles, awesome sex, more cuddles, sleep, cuddles, and did I mention cuddles? Then he encouraged me to stay in bed when he got up to go into work early. He sent me a text when he got home thanking me for making the bed and telling me he keeps smiling when he goes into the bathroom for anything because he sees the towel I used and knows I just made myself at home. He'd left me a tooth brush on the sink, too, so now I have one at his place. He's had one at my house for a while, but I usually pack one to take with me there. It's funny that he chose to give me one since I actually forgot this week! He's made a few comments about how lucky he is to have me, how much I take care of him, how much he enjoys spending time with me, etc. lately. It's sweet, but at the same time I still feel like I've felt for a long time. He's great to be around, but not really someone I depend on. Not sure if we're going to have to talk about that at some point.

Cutie is just done, I think. I talked to her very briefly once this week, but that's it. She's got a million other things going, and I just don't feel interested enough to make it work. I hope she'll be happy, though.

The couple I've been talking to wants to go on a date next week. I'm thinking we can make it work, but between our work schedules and their kids and stuff, it'll be interesting. Maybe a short coffee date or something while the grandparents can babysit. I've had a hard time connecting with her over email/text, but he and I have had some very interesting conversations. We're in similar lines of work, so that probably helps since I can vent and he completely understands why I have the concerns that I have. Overall, I'm excited to meet them, but still not really hopeful that anything will come of it. I don't think they're happy that I do whatever I do with Boy. Being married is fine, but they seem almost jealous of the fact that I already spend one night a week with someone else, too. Not really understanding that sentiment, and maybe I'm just misreading.

I'm sleepy and rambling. Time to go to bed so I can enjoy my weekend! Have a good one, all!
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  #80  
Old 07-21-2014, 02:24 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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This couple seems less and less likely to go anywhere. As we start talking about meeting in person for the first time, we're also discussing ideals on how often we would see each other if we do start dating regularly. We've talked about how we need time for the three of us, as well as one-on-one time for me with each of them. For some reason, they think it's okay to plan for the three of us to spend an evening together with little "side dates" for one-on-one time then resuming the group date. I'm not okay ditching someone mid-date, unless it's a planned split - we all meet for something then he and I go somewhere while she goes home or somewhere else (or she and I go do something while he goes to do his own thing). I'm not okay leaving someone to twiddle their thumbs or whatever waiting for the other two to come back. I've reiterated this SO MANY TIMES! They still don't seem to get it. I would want a date night with her, a date night with him, AND a group date night - not every week, but regularly. Ugh.

In other news... Nothing, really. Life's still good.
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