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  #51  
Old 05-03-2014, 08:19 PM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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Spending the day with Lady today. She'll be here in a couple of hours to pick me up. We'll be seeing some mutual friends then coming back to my place for dinner and a movie with Hubby. I was so looking forward to tonight to help work towards being more comfortable with them being cuddly around me/being more comfortable jumping into the cuddles. After last weekend, though, I have barely been cuddling Hubby alone, let alone with someone else around. I'm pretty sure it's not going to be fun at all, and I didn't even have enough time to think about how much it's going to suck until today. I'd feel too guilty cancelling since I know Lady has been struggling, too. It would have been different if I would have thought to change the plans a few days ago. Now the day is here, and I am dreading every bit of it that includes the three of us together.

Hubby is starting to show frustration at my lack of physical expression. He knows I am forcing hugs, kisses, and small amounts of cuddles just for him. That I feel no desire or need for it right now. It shows how distant I really feel, and it's scary.

My new job is going well. It was a taxing week, and I am exhausted. I was out late with friends Wednesday and Thursday, as well, and drank too much so I really just want to sleep. My new-found weekend freedom, though, is making everyone all excited so I've agreed to all the stuff today, checking out a local UU church with Hubby in the morning before lunch together, then dinner out with Boy. A fancy dinner. I'm excited. He has a gift card that (oddly enough) his ex-MIL gave him for Christmas so he's taking me out! Woohoo! We both felt bad about how non-supportive and just pissy we were this week, so it'll be nice to do something extra fun.

Overall, I'm just feeling run down. So much stress and pressure from the whole Hubby situation. The lack of trust/faith in him is totally new to me, and I just don't know how to recover. He won't have the chance to prove he can be trusted for over a month, either, because of other friend/family/school/work obligations keeping him and Lady from seeing one another. So many new things happening, and I just don't deal with change well.
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  #52  
Old 05-04-2014, 06:19 PM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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I'm taking steps to own my own life.

Last night when Hubby walked Lady out, instead of sitting in a state of limbo, I listened to some music and when I got to feeling too tired/the beginning of cranky at how long he was taking - I went to bed. I was asleep by the time he came in (only took me a couple of minutes, I'm sure), and he woke me up. Despite my closed door (which means don't enter). So, that's something we need to work on. Either him setting a time limit so that there is no limbo - since I would know exactly when he'll return - or him respecting my need to go to bed/move on in general so that I don't get cranky.

This morning, I am entertaining myself. About to prep my breakfasts and lunches for the week. Hubby is still in bed. We stayed up late last night talking about the whole idea of me being in limbo every time we have vague plans of being together without a solid plan of start time, and we decided not to go with our previous plans for the day due to lack of funds and sleep so... I'm refusing to be in limbo and doing what I need to do. If he doesn't get up in time to spend time with me before I leave for Boy's, then that is his choice and on him. In reality, I'll probably wake him up in a few hours when I'm ready for lunch since I really want to eat what he planned to cook today. But, hey... Doing what I need to do without worrying about his plans for a couple of hours is improvement!

Yesterday was a good day, though, until the limbo part. Lady and I had a good time. We're getting more comfortable with one another, and she even made a comment about realizing she needed to improve upon something based on a conversation we'd had over the week. I honestly feel more supported and heard and understood when I'm with her than I do when I'm with Hubby right now. She can see my need to create a bit of distance/independence with rationalization whereas Hubby has the gut reaction of resisting change.

I'm looking forward to seeing Boy less. It'll still be nice to go out to a nicer restaurant than usual and not have to worry about how much either of us is spending, but... I don't know. The cycle of being super close then distancing ourselves to avoid any kind of commitment/expectation is starting to feel awkward. I'm still not ready to date, but maybe I'm actually ready to stop indulging in a pseudo-relationship and face the reality of having to rely on myself for everything.
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  #53  
Old 05-10-2014, 02:17 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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I ended up postponing on Boy. I wanted to stay home, so I did. We hung out the next day instead and once again had a lovely, close, cuddly evening that included him taking me to a fancy dinner, opening doors for me, and feeding me tidbits off of his plate so I could try everything. We had a complete stranger tell us that we were adorable together.

It's weird. When I'm happy, he's there and great. When I'm contemplative, he's still there and great and telling me that he cares about me and complimenting me like crazy. When I'm down/upset, he's gone. There is no in between. I'm feeling pretty okay with it tonight, but I know it's still not really want I want and in all reality I should move forward.

Hubby and I are still off. It's really starting to wear on him. I don't know how to trust him anymore, and until I regain that trust in him...

He also told me last night that he plans to spend a night with Lady on a night that I specifically told him would cause me an extreme amount of stress. THAT doesn't help the whole feeling like he doesn't respect me thing.
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  #54  
Old 05-14-2014, 05:20 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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Lady dumped Hubby. I have nothing good to say about how she handled the last 2.5 weeks or say, but he has forbidden me to actually say anything to her about it. So... I'm ignoring her texts and such for the time being until I can actually be civil to her. It saddens and frustrates me that someone can be so reassuring and supposedly dedicated to making things work then out of the blue say it's over. I feel like I wasted my time, even if Hubby has no regrets about anything. I put in a ton of effort trying to work on accepting her oddities (or quirks, if you want to be nice about it). Why? What was the point? She apparently wasn't capable of actually committing to less than a primary relationship while she and Hubby grew and while he finished up some very time consuming life things. Fuck it.

Boy and I are spending the weekend together! He's taking me to the beach, and he has sent me all these little texts with things he wants to do while we're there. Some of them sweet like hold hands while we watch the sunset (assuming we get a good sunset). Some naughty. I'm glad he's excited, and I love the beach so of course I'm excited, too. It'll be interesting to share something that is so peaceful and rejuvenating to me with him. I feel bad for leaving Hubby alone-ish, too. He does have plans for at least one afternoon of my weekend away, but I'll be gone for 2 solid days, so... Hopefully he stays entertained and doesn't get too down. I offered to cancel (well, postpone), but he insisted that I go. Maybe he's looking forward to the alone time since he hasn't really had much time for himself in a couple of months.

Yarn's husband is also going on a trip with his girlfriend in a month or so. It's a weekend that I already have booked, though, so I can't hang out with her. I wish they'd set the dates sooner so that I could have helped keep her and the kids entertained. 5 days. That's a long time to be without your co-parent and only partner. She's been lonely and kind of down lately, anyway, so I'm worried how this will hit her. It's a month away, though. Maybe she'll be in a better place by then.

My new job is going well. A lot faster paced and fun projects, which is lovely. I find myself so tired after work that my house is suffering, though. I used to keep things so tidy! Time to really work on keeping up on that. Hubby is pitching in more, which is nice, but I hate taking his precious time on things I could in theory be doing myself. Ugh.
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  #55  
Old 05-17-2014, 06:52 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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I'm still fighting upset over the way Lady treated Hubby. I know they were both doing things in a not entirely healthy way, so I shouldn't be this bothered, but I am.

I'm excited and also kind of nervous about spending a whole weekend with Boy. Hubby has plans, plans that I would have enjoyed being a part of (hanging out with some new mutual friends), so while I'm happy for him, I am also a little envious that I am going to be missing out on games, pizza, and drinking.

It's the weekend, though, so I'll probably feel better about life in general for the next two days. Yay!
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  #56  
Old 05-17-2014, 08:10 PM
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swirlingnurse swirlingnurse is offline
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I"m enjoying your blog. Thanks for sharing your life with the forum
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I am D, a bisexual Cougar (white)
J is my younger, heterosexual husband (black)
P is my younger, heterosexual boyfriend (black)
S is my bisexual best friend and girlfriend (white)
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  #57  
Old 05-17-2014, 11:29 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AlwaysGrowing View Post
Lady dumped Hubby . . . I feel like I wasted my time, even if Hubby has no regrets about anything. I put in a ton of effort trying to work on accepting her oddities (or quirks, if you want to be nice about it). Why? What was the point?
Most relationships aren't meant to last forever. That doesn't mean that shorter relationships don't benefit us. There is nothing wrong with a relationship coming to an end. While some people handle the ending better than others do, just the fact that it did not continue is really no reason to say "what's the point?" as if it shouldn't have ended and the relationship had no use at all to your husband. I am sure he learned from it, which is really one of the best things we can hope for from interpersonal relationships. I think it would serve you well to let go of your anger and frustration. Everyone who comes into our lives teaches us something - we don't always know what the lesson is, but eventually we realize it is true.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 05-17-2014 at 11:32 PM.
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  #58  
Old 05-18-2014, 09:51 PM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Most relationships aren't meant to last forever. That doesn't mean that shorter relationships don't benefit us. There is nothing wrong with a relationship coming to an end. While some people handle the ending better than others do, just the fact that it did not continue is really no reason to say "what's the point?" as if it shouldn't have ended and the relationship had no use at all to your husband. I am sure he learned from it, which is really one of the best things we can hope for from interpersonal relationships. I think it would serve you well to let go of your anger and frustration. Everyone who comes into our lives teaches us something - we don't always know what the lesson is, but eventually we realize it is true.
The thing that upset(s) me is that the last thing she said to me relationship-wise was a thank you for being dedicated to trying to make it work since she was really committed to seeing if they could work/we could all eventually be family. Same for Hubby. She said she was going to fight for their relationship.

Then, BAM! She's done. There was no in between. There was no warning. There was just normalcy, a bit of improvement in the way we all interacted, then a break up. It was and is frustrating.

I know it served a purpose for all of us. She learned things about herself and how she relates to people. Hubby learned that he has a lot of work to do before he's a hinge again. I learned that it takes me A LOT of energy to engage with metamours and in reality I would probably likes things to be a bit more separate. The way it ended just feels... ridiculous.
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  #59  
Old 05-18-2014, 09:58 PM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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Originally Posted by swirlingnurse View Post
I"m enjoying your blog. Thanks for sharing your life with the forum
Thank you. I find it helpful and enjoyable to just rant now and then. When I see too much negative showing up here, I know it's time to really look at what's been bothering me. lol
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  #60  
Old 05-18-2014, 11:49 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by AlwaysGrowing View Post
I learned that it takes me A LOT of energy to engage with metamours and in reality I would probably likes things to be a bit more separate.
Oh yeah. Personally, I prefer having a certain amount of respectful distance between myself and a metamour. Becoming chums cannot be forced.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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