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  #11  
Old 10-12-2013, 01:51 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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I managed to upset Z again and just found out about it today. Life has been really stressful for her lately in general, and I accidentally left some marks on D the last time he was over. Wasn't intentional, but I was vaguely aware of her preference to not see signs of our sex on his body (fair enough request, IMO) but apparently my nails were much sharper than I thought.

So, over a week later and she is still upset. I've been talking to her casually to see if maybe in the future issues like this won't be as big of a deal if we have communication between all of us. She doesn't seem upset with me or D, necessarily, just not pleased that it happened. Seems to have dredged up something that I'm not fully aware of.

H was frustrated with me, too. I wanted to have sex and he said maybe. I have told him when I hear maybe, I assume no then if it happens to be a yes I am pleasantly surprised. An hour later, he comes in the bedroom wanting to do it and I was asleep. Wasn't going to hold my breath waiting for him to have time to come spend with me so I did what I wanted to do. The end of the week is always kind of on edge here. Not getting to have real time for 5 days straight is difficult.

I'm looking forward to the next week. Going out and doing something fun with H this weekend (probably sushi and a movie! ). Seeing D twice next week (once one-on-one, once in a group but he said he wanted to pick me up and bring me home so that we have some time before and after just the two of us ). Working a little extra, but not too much and planning a big friendly outing for Halloween! Woohoo!
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  #12  
Old 10-17-2013, 07:42 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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H and I have been reconnecting, and it has been lovely. After our little disagreement over how we communicate interest... Well, we've both been more careful and more attentive. Times like these make me remember why I (and pretty much everyone that knows us) believe that H and I will last a lifetime.

D cancelled on our second "date" (the group thing) this week. Apparently Z wasn't okay with it. She can see her boyfriend 2-3 times a week, but is only comfortable with D seeing me once a week for the time being. Not sure how I feel about that. I mean, in reality, it's not a huge deal. I didn't mind only seeing him once a week when we were accepting the fact that scheduling is a bitch. When he really pushed to make time, though... I got excited. If I had to assign blame, though, it would be on D since he didn't make sure Z was cool with a change in scheduling beforehand. As much as I personally don't believe in the "needing permission" thing, I know I check with H before making any new developments to make sure he is comfortable. D and Z just haven't found that groove yet so patience... Patience is not my strong suit and requires a lot of reminding myself to "take a deep breath and rationalize". :/

Oh, yeah... And the upset over the scratches... Totally justified. 2 weeks (ish) later and there's scars... They'll fade after a month or so, but still. Marks that last a month or so? Not okay, A, not okay...

I have a close friend that I dated for a while. He (L) and I won't talk for a month, then we'll see each other two days in a row or something silly like that. He has been pushing to have more of a relationship again. I'm not terribly comfortable with some of his sexual decisions, so I have no desire to be sexual. I love him (not terribly passionately, but companionably but more than a friend, I suppose), but... I just don't know how to tell him that even if we transition back to more romantic I don't want to be overly sexual. I'd be okay with mutual masturbation, and we still kiss/make out anyway... Even that kind of makes me nervous, though, and I have slowed that because there are a few people in his circle that have oral herpes. Bah, I just don't know.

A good friend of H's just dumped her boyfriend and girlfriend. They were a triad-ish. The gf and bf were move involved with each other, and she just felt disposable. She has also hit a rough patch with her other boyfriend. So, she is kind of going nuts in the "I need to meet someone new!" arena. She and I aren't that close, but she has talked to me a bit. My advice has to not do anything rash... I'm afraid she hasn't been listening.
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  #13  
Old 10-18-2013, 07:06 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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I had a date this afternoon! I went out with this guy, G, for a couple of months last year. We never were "in a relationship" or anything, but we talked often and went out almost weekly for a while. Then he was going through stuff, I was borderline depressed and it just kind of tapered off. We stayed in contact off and on, though, and yesterday he asked me to get coffee.

It was really nice. We talked, we laughed, we sat in companionable silence. We talked about a local show that we've both been meaning to see and agreed to go together in the next couple of weeks, if possible.

H and D are both kind of... uncomfortable... with the idea of G. H met him a few times last year. Never had anything against him, really, but didn't like the age gap (G is quite a bit older than I am). D has never met him, knows very little about him, but feels like it's strange that I'd be interested in someone that much older and says he would not feel okay at all about Z dating someone that age. Which makes me wonder if he's trying to say he feels iffy about me doing so, and just doesn't want to overstep. Not my job to read into it, I guess. If D has a problem, he should just tell me. H is fine with me seeing G but has no interest in getting to know him at all, so I know that will limit how much we see each other since my time is rather limited already.

Who knows... I hate to let their opinions affect whether or not I get involved with this really sweet, fun man... But at the same time.. If I knowingly go out with someone who makes everyone else feel weird, am I really making the right decision? Gotta think on this one a bit.
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  #14  
Old 10-19-2013, 12:59 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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D told me he loves me. He was shy and adorable, and it made me really happy, while I was simultaneously worrying about how quickly he came to feeling/saying it. He knows I'm not prepared to say it back and is okay with that.

I contacted B today. Someone contacted me and said a few things that I felt he needed to know about. We had a short little conversation, and it was fine. I didn't feel upset/anxious or weird or anything. When he asked if he could text me now and then, I said yes.

H and I are planning on picking apples tomorrow. I always make apple pies for people at Thanksgiving-time, like to make apple sauce, and all kinds of goodies, so we always pick a bunch. It'll be fun. It's supposed to be gorgeous outside. The leaves are beautiful and starting to fall . I'm excited to get to spend a wonderful day with my wonderful hubby!
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  #15  
Old 10-23-2013, 08:31 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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I need to work on my issues. D is amazing. He can tell by my tone in text when I'm feeling off. He knows when something is going to upset me and tries to do damage control. He knows me amazingly well for only having known me for a few months. And I honestly believe he loves me.

Yet... I still feel replaceable. I feel like he could be just as happy with someone else. Someone that Z feels more comfortable with. Someone that lives closer to him. Someone that doesn't need as much reassurance.

It's time for me to learn to trust that some people, other than H, can be good people. Can care about me like they say. Can manage to last.

Unrelated note... I slept with B. :/ H disapproves kind of, but okayed it in general. He's afraid it will bring back emotions for either me or B. I don't see it happening for me. I went through hell breaking up with B, and I have no intention whatsoever to try a real relationship again. D's opinion is... Do whatever will make me feel good. He said he'd be there to help me through it if I get hurt (again), but thinks that as long as I stay aware of my feelings (and B's) it could work.

Right now, we're 100% friends with benefits. Odd that just a week ago, I wasn't speaking to him at all... Once we started talking, though... The sex is REALLY good - always has been. It was inevitable. As long as we keep it just sex, I'm excited! If it gets messy, I'll just have to walk away entirely again.
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  #16  
Old 10-25-2013, 04:26 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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Z is killing me. EVERY time D and I have an evening together, she has a bad day. I try to think it isn't related. That the day of the week we have going right now is just a stressful one for her. It works sometimes.

B got all awkward when I wasn't able to talk to him because I was on a date with D. Not sure what that means to our agreement to have NSA sex. :/

H still doesn't approve (although when I ask him if he wants me to never do it again because sex - even really good sex - isn't worth him being upset, he says he hasn't decided yet); he's been super needy lately, too. I think D's ability to read me and my feelings so easily when most people are baffled by me really gets to him. He's always been the ONLY one to understand how I work, and having someone who's only been around a few months be able to do that, too... I think it's an adjustment.
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  #17  
Old 11-01-2013, 06:40 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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So... D and H may have been right. I loved B. It was hard for me to have him back in my life never having told him that. So I did. Last night. With some incentive from alcohol. It was oddly cathartic, and I now feel like I'm able to move on. Just in time, because as patient as D is, I don't know how long he'd want to be in love with/in a relationship with someone who was still hung up on someone else. And it was blocking my ability to really fall in (something other than lust) with B.

I was supposed to be with B the other day, but Z posted something online (gotta love social media!) and I knew he needed to be with her. They had agreed he wouldn't cancel with me, but he was relieved when I insisted. It kind of upset me that he didn't just tell me anyway, but I know he didn't want to disappoint me. Luckily, we were able to squeeze in a couple of hours together today, so it worked out well enough!

I still get a little teary-eyed when he says he loves me. Hopefully I will feel sure enough to say it back soon.

Y has been crazy supportive about everything. She even told me she loves me, which is a big deal for her. We are in this weird balance between really caring for one another, yet feeling almost entirely platonic, yet having a certain level of desire for physical contact. I'm still wary of pursuing it at all. The status quo seems safer. Still kinda iffy there.

H is... well, he's amazing. My libido has been seesawing, which drives him nuts. I was finally able to communicate a few things that he can do to balance what he is craving (more dominant/sadistic things) with what I can handle as a dominant-leaning, sadomasochist. It has worked well so far. Hopefully it keeps up!
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  #18  
Old 11-02-2013, 05:20 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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Z has been super friendly with me the last few days. Apparently showing that I really do understand and accept and expect D to put their relationship first made her feel a little bit better about him loving someone else. She'd been feeling insecure in unfamiliar territory, but it seems we may be getting through it. I still want to get the four of us (me, D, Z, and H) together again so we can all get to know one another better. We've only all been together a few times since D and I started dating, and it's something D and I both enjoyed a lot.

Y has been on a few dates with a new guy and isn't feeling into him. She likes him well enough, but feels no sparks. Half of me wants to tell her to just let it go while the other half thinks it may be good for her to just enjoy being pursued for a while. It feels wrong to encourage her to potentially give him the wrong idea, though.

Life is good, overall. Silly worries about disappointing people. I should stop that.
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  #19  
Old 11-09-2013, 08:19 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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I have been in an awful mood for a week! I think it has finally lifted, however.

B and I got together again. We went to a place we thought we'd be able to have some semi-public, scandalous fun times and it ended up being a lot busier than expected. Still enjoyed it, and afterward he came over. Post-sex is interesting... We just sprawl out and chat and such. Minimal contact, really, other than playful bites, tickles, or whatever that come up. That's the one area where neither of us has seemed to be tempted at all to revert to old patterns (we used to cuddle after sex). So, that's good, at least!

D is still worried about me having any kind of relationship with B. Because he thinks B is an awful person, and he thinks I'll get hurt, and he thinks I haven't had time to move past the emotional part.

H has similar worries, but his desire for me to get out of the house/spend time with people more overwhelms the fear. He also trusts me when I say I believe I am okay with it. I just needed to get the confession out of the way so I could move on.
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  #20  
Old 11-15-2013, 05:25 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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Everything felt like it went to hell in a hand basket, but I am working my way through it.

H and I are good. Minus the differences in sex drive which I have been actively working on. We've been dieting and exercising and are both feeling much better.

B and I are talking quite a bit and plan to hook up again sometime soon. It's been easier lately to be friends without past expectations/habits getting in the way, which has been super nice. He and H apparently talked to the other day about going fishing, too, so maybe a normal friendship (with occasional -or not so occasional) sex can exist.

D is still concerned about me talking/being involved with B in any capacity. I haven't mentioned that H talked to him, too. I probably should or he'll feel even worse in the long run. He has also been having some issues at home, and I have said a few things about my needs/relationship abilities that could potentially end the relationship. We will see how he and Z react to them and whether or not anything can be salvaged.

Y is also having relationship issues, so she and I are hanging out with a group tomorrow. Hopefully I can get her to drink and have fun and be silly with me. Then Saturday H and I are going to go to her place and hang out and watch movies. Cuddle up on the couch with some wine, maybe. Or if the kiddos are around, hot cocoa. She has been an amazing support. Encouraging me to stand up for my long term needs instead of giving into my desire to appease and prolong a potentially painful situation. Hopefully I can be as helpful to her as she has been to me.

If things don't work out with D... I think I might just back away from poly altogether for a while. Still attend some events to see friends, but not try for another relationship. Winter isn't usually a good time to add any more stress than necessary...
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