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  #1  
Old 05-26-2009, 05:39 PM
PlanetPurple PlanetPurple is offline
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In my limited experience it seems that men are fine with having an affair with me, but the instant they learn that my husband knows about them and is okay with us being together, they RUN in the other direction.

Why is this?

Because of this I have never gotten to the point of physically consummating a poly relationship. I am now afraid I am about to lose yet another potential lover to this...shock...whatever it is. It makes me sick inside to see this pattern repeating itself. I don't meet men that I click with very often. This one is only my third potential lover in 20 years. Will I ever find a man who can comprehend 'sharing' me with my husband? (Not in a threesome sense, I'm not into that and neither is my husband.)

I thought this one was going to work because his wife suffers from a debilitating medical condition that makes it impossible for her to be physically intimate with him. I thought it was a perfect arrangement. He loves her and wants to stay married, but not be celibate for the rest of his life. I want to stay with my husband, and see this man too whenever we are able to make time for each other (it would be a semi-long distance thing). I've recently told this man what I want. Now he's fallen silent.

I hope he's just thinking things over. But I don't see how this takes so much extra thought. Just a few days ago he was gung ho about conducting a long term covert affair with me! Why does my husband's approval make it different?

I thought my being open about what I wanted would make things better all around. Having a Vee relationship is definitely better for me than sneaking around or terminating a solid 20 year marriage just so I can see this other guy on random weekends. I wonder if he expected me to leave my husband for him and place myself 'on reserve' for the times he can break away from his own family? That is hardly realistic or fair. I have never expected him to leave his wife, and I already told him that I expect and encourage him to still sleep with her whenever she is able/willing. How many women is he going to find who are okay with this sort of understanding? It seems ideal to me...yet he's gone very quiet now for a couple of weeks. I'm getting nervous.

Frustrating. I really love this guy. I don't want to lose him.
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Old 05-27-2009, 12:49 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Reading your message... Wish I had some free advice.

Welcome here!
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  #3  
Old 05-27-2009, 02:54 AM
Quath Quath is offline
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I heard a poll once that asked what people were more comfortable with: a person in an open relationship or someone having an affair. More people said that they liked the person having the affair. I think the basic idea was that the affair person was trying to be faithful while the person in the open relationship was not.

I think it is just cultural. Hopefully this guy you like is just thinking things through. It is hard for someone to accept a new viewpoint, even when it is purely logical. If he has problems, I think you should present what you told us to him. If he can't accept it, then you may have avoided a lot tougher issues in the future with him.

I think it is a good idea to try to get him to be open with his wife. It may cause some short term pain, but it will probably be better than if she found out some other way.

I hope it works out for you.
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Old 05-27-2009, 03:44 AM
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Alhena Alhena is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Quath View Post
.

I think it is a good idea to try to get him to be open with his wife. It may cause some short term pain, but it will probably be better than if she found out some other way.

I hope it works out for you.
Ditto

Also are you letting your potential lovers know your open/poly/married before any relationship is started?

I think thats something important to let someone know right when you meet (if theres an interest there) or on the first date (again also if its something you plan on pursuing). It just avoids one or the other being hurt later.

Im also wondering if maybe hes not interested now that he knows you are poly and capable of having an actual relationship aside from sex because maybe all he is looking for is an affair due to his wifes condition??
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Old 05-27-2009, 01:40 PM
PlanetPurple PlanetPurple is offline
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Hmm, yes I can see that was a mistake of mine...not telling him right off the bat that I am poly.

Problem is that I am barely beginning to accept this polyamory stuff about myself. I'm not yet to the point where I feel comfortable just putting it out there from the very start. But I can definitely see that this is wise to do...for next time around. I've been a bit wobbly with this one, so it shouldn't shock me that he's getting wobbly too as a result. If I'd set it all this out on the table for him right from the start, maybe things would be less roller-coaster now.

In the past I assumed if I was interested in someone else I had to get a divorce. Unless I focus on my true inner self, I still get stuck in the rut of conventional thinking. I was headed in this same direction when I recognized the divorce pattern happening again, stopped it, worked stuff out with my husband, and THEN told the other guy: never mind, I'm not leaving my husband, I'd prefer to keep you both and HE is fine with it, how about you? Up to that point, the other guy had been thinking I was in the process of leaving my husband. Not specifically FOR this other guy, but I guess he liked to think he was the catalyst in my decision making process. So the other guy was staying married and I'd told him I was totally fine with that, and I was well on my way to becoming single...until I changed my mind.

Okay, I can see how that rapid change of plans on my part could unsettle someone.

Though he knows my history with other men, how I divorced "for" them but it never worked out, so I always went back to my husband again. I've discussed with him that I don't want to go that same route again.

He has known all along that my husband knows about my feelings for him and is accepting of him in my life. He's had a hard time trusting that such a thing is possible. Maybe that's it...he just isn't convinced that my husband is okay with it, and prefers that husband be out of the picture before we become really involved? When I told him early on that my husband knew about him, he said the news "gave him a heart attack".

As for whether or not he wants 'just sex' instead of a real relationship, he has given me the impression that he wants more than just sex. Has been very effusive with the "I love you's" and the "we are soulmates" type of talk. But since he's not talking to me now, no way to clarify for sure. However, it makes no sense to me that he'd work for 3-4 months developing a friendship/relationship if all he wants is sex. There are quicker ways to get just sex. Maybe he is even less comfortable with those quicker ways than he is with having an affair?

Ah well, it is really bewildering. Thanks for the kind words. I will update you all if I hear from him again...
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Old 05-27-2009, 04:08 PM
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Danny40179 Danny40179 is offline
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I can only see one thing that you might do differently and you've already realized this. You have to tell these men up front about your situation. Explain to them from the start what they're about to get into. Give them that choice. This will also avoid you falling for someone that's only going to leave once they find the truth out.

I definately think you should write your love interest and explain things to him. Give him links to various poly sites to help him understand. Most people don't get us poly folk. They need a little help. My wife and I have been in the lifestyle for YEARS and only now is her family starting to actually get what it means to be Poly.

Give him a chance, and apologize for not telling him at the start. I hope that he realizes that this lifestyle can work out for him and you and this can be the start of a very succesful relationship. I wish you my best!
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Old 05-27-2009, 05:13 PM
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nethergirl nethergirl is offline
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This drives me crazy! I have noticed many people who are way more than willing to have an affair but then i explain my relationship and they say they could 'never do that' (what????? but you can sleep around and lie during your entire relationship???)
Or the BUNDLES of men i have met that are like 'yah we can have sex but i couldnt be anything more' cuz they are eeked out at being part of an open relationship
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Old 05-27-2009, 07:32 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Quath View Post
I think it is a good idea to try to get him to be open with his wife.
I hope it works out for you.
Wonderfully put Quath! Polyamory is all about being honest and above board. I have had affairs in the past during a 16 year monogamous marriage. Affairs are ultimately not healthy and destructive in my humble opinion. Being open with his wife shouldn't even be a point of debate.

Hope you get things healthy and happy in your relationship.
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Old 05-28-2009, 12:33 AM
alphafour alphafour is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Quath View Post
I heard a poll once that asked what people were more comfortable with: a person in an open relationship or someone having an affair. More people said that they liked the person having the affair. I think the basic idea was that the affair person was trying to be faithful while the person in the open relationship was not.

I think it is just cultural. ....
It sounds like the typical cultural blunder. "faithful" means honesty more than it does "monogamy." It means trustworthy, dependable.

Semper Fi, or Samper Fidelis is the Marine Motto. "Always Faithful."

So you think Marines care if the buddy goes out and .... after being a foxhole with him? Not likely. Somebody really needs to fix the dictionary so people start speaking the same language, or next think you know, all of the Marines wil be celibate, gay, or worse. Not theat there is anything wrong with that. It just doesn't sond like the soldiers I remember.
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  #10  
Old 05-28-2009, 02:49 PM
vampiresscammy vampiresscammy is offline
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this used to be a common problem for me, til I figured out the best way to nip it in the bud

i meet someone im interested in, havent been introduced yet, so when introductions come i smile, and introduce myself while staing i'm poly have 2 current loves and add soemhting flirtatious if im feeling inspired to do so

then its out there, they know right away, some may ask what exactly that means, some have given me a quite astounded and perhaps offended look and not spoke to me again, and some simly smile and tell me about their loves

in future i strongly suggest blurt it out immediately after meeting them, see where their reaction falls, if nothing else it shoudl get rid of the riff raff fairly quickly, those wanting affairs won't liek the bluntness, and those loving your honesty will be intrigued to talk more

is this current fellow doesnt care for the idea, well maybe time to walk away and find somene new, or if you wanna make it work them keep talkign to him explain what polt is why it works for you and how it can work for him to if he wants to try, good luck to you in whatever you do
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