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Old 09-23-2013, 07:15 AM
Revkah Revkah is offline
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Default Different kind of V

I'm new to this group but I find a lot of useful information!
I'm 29 and have been married to my husband Plan A for over a year.
I'm bisexual and this has been known by my husband the whole time that we have been together. We have both been with the same woman and he also has allowed me to be with a woman and him not be involved.
I recently for the first time in close to 5 years have fallen for a male.
My husband is not bisexual and neither is this new man (Plan B)
We are still working out the kinks and Plan A is being MARVELOUS. Super supportive. I've been able to spend the night with Plan B on his birthday and he has spent the night at our place.
Few questions
Me and Plan B have not been intimate but we are getting close. Plan A wants details. I feel that this wouldn't be a good idea. I feel like it should be ok to say that something happened but I don't feel full details are needed.
Also how/what is the best way to balance two different relationships so that they both feel that they are getting the attention that they want?
Plan A and Plan B have been down about this triad. Plan A because it's the first time I have added a male and the Plan B because all he is seeing is that he is going to get hurt and that this will end.
Advice please?
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  #2  
Old 09-23-2013, 11:13 AM
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Bluebird Bluebird is offline
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I'm newish to poly and I have a V with two straight guys - my husband and my boyfriend. It is working fine so far!

I make sure I am checking in often with my husband to make sure things are good. If yours isn't feeling that way, have him do a needs assessment and see where his sadness/jealousy is coming from. It is sometimes difficult with NRE clouding your brain to realize there is an issue, so check in often.

I don't think you can ever perfectly balance relationships, but it is possible to meet the needs of the individual. Don't think of it as balancing, but what does that particular person need from you to be happy? My husband gets 6 overnights a week, yet my boyfriend only gets 1 right now. Both are very happy. Not balanced, but no issues. I try not to make them equal, as they are individuals who want different things. The best way to keep them happy is to ask what they need. Communication! I flat out told my boyfriend when I felt I needed more attention. Take care of things right away.

Personally, I think it is a bad idea to tell too many details. Would your husband be ok with you sharing specifics about the 2 of you with your boyfriend? I see myself as a secret keeper for both of them and there is trust involved. Though, sometimes I share stuff because I had fun and want to express my happiness. My husband loves hearing details, but I don't go into too much. At this point, he assumes we are being intimate every time we have a date, I think. He never asks though.

It's best not to focus on the long term, especially early on in the relationship. Of course it's going to end - everything ends! But why have a fatalistic view of a relationship in its infancy? And maybe it'll only end when the world does. It could have staying power, but focusing on a negative like this is not productive.
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  #3  
Old 09-23-2013, 11:43 AM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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Something similar happened to me: I was looking for a girlfriend, and got involved with another man. It sure took my husband a while to get used to the idea of having another male as a metamour, but that part is fine now.

I agree with Bluebird that details are not necessary, and not a good thing if anyone feels uncomfortable about them being told. This desire to hear details might stem from insecurity and competitiveness - which one is "better" in bed... and that is not the best approach. Some people here tell that they want details 'cause it turns them on, and that is another story alltogether.

Balancing two relationships can be done in so many ways - it depends on the people involved and the previous commitments they have in their lives (children, work, house etc.). Make sure you keep yourself updated about what your partners want of you, and keep them updated about what you want of them. I only see my OSO every second weekend, as we live quite far apart. We both wish we could meet more often, but the realities of life do not let us - except when I have time off from work, I stay longer at his place. As it is, we have no issues about the balance, even though my partners do not get anywhere close to equal amount of time from me.
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Old 09-23-2013, 01:12 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Now what makes a mfm v so different? I am straight and THE hinge between my men who are both also straight. My relationships are separate but equal.

I do not share the intimate details of my other relationship with either man. It is none of the others business.

As for balancing two separate relationships your husband is going to have to be understanding , secure with his place in the relationship. Most of all he has to mind his own business unless something is effecting him directly. Do not drag him in to your other relationship with. Do not use him as your confidant.

You will have to not let NRE run away with you. Set a schedule as much as you can. Do not treat Plan B as secondary. Communicate..

Plan B is going to have to be understanding that you do have a home and husband to take care of. You cannot fly by the seat of your pants sometimes . Are you guys out? Or is he going to have to be kind of a secret. Some go in being ok being hidden but once they fall in love they want to be able to be out with their so.
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Old 09-23-2013, 01:37 PM
Flowerchild Flowerchild is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Now what makes a mfm v so different?
I think she merely meant that her previous V was one where she and another woman were the legs and her husband the hinge....now it's switching over to where she is the hinge.

Wasn't clear on whether the husband was still involved with the other woman, but if so, I don't see why he doesn't use that other man to help balance between his wife and girlfriend (so when he's with his girlfriend, she has someone to be with, too)? If not, it's his responsibility to find other partners, if he doesn't want to be alone when she's gone.
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Old 09-23-2013, 01:49 PM
london london is offline
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Quote:
My husband is not bisexual and neither is this new man (Plan B)
Neither have to be bisexual unless they plan to have sexual or romantic relations, do they?


Quote:
Me and Plan B have not been intimate but we are getting close. Plan A wants details.
Why does he want details? Is it for sexual gratification or because he wants to feel involved/in control of your relationship?

Quote:
I feel that this wouldn't be a good idea. I feel like it should be ok to say that something happened but I don't feel full details are needed.
Well, that's your right. Plan A should also be thinking about whetehr Plan B is okay with sharing details of his sex life, not just yours.

Quote:
Also how/what is the best way to balance two different relationships so that they both feel that they are getting the attention that they want?
They both need to realise that you have an obligation to your other partner which is equally important. You need to decide who you can and want to spend time with and when. It isn't just about what they need, what do you need?

Quote:
Plan A and Plan B have been down about this triad. Plan A because it's the first time I have added a male and the Plan B because all he is seeing is that he is going to get hurt and that this will end.
It isn't a triad, strictly speaking, it's a vee because the two males are not romantically or sexually entwined. Why does Plan A see a male of more of a threat than a female? That's rather sexist, it's as if he thinks a female would not be capable of having the primary style relationship with you that he does. As if a female wouldn't be capable of replacing his role in your life. You should watch out for guys who think like that. Those who feel that their partner can fuck girls because it's hot and girls aren't a threat to his manliness but guys are barely tolerated as metamours. That's one step away from the old One Penis Policy. To be honest, the way you labelled the guys Plan A and Plan B is sort of telling, as if Plan B is the backup for if the primary style relationship with Plan A fails. You might want to think about that.

Plan B might just be insecure because he is new/ not well suited to polyamory, but there are things that kind of spooked me about what you said. Going back to you stating that neither man is bisexual, did you do that because you feel that in polyamory, all partners must be sexually or romantically entwined? This is a common misconception. Anyway, when I read that, it hinted atcouple privilege, it was as if you felt that you should be sharing partners, like you used to share females., because you are a couple. If you express couple privilege in other ways, and Plan A consistently feels like his feelings, opinions and needs are secondary to the needs of you and Plan A, individually and as a couple, he is right to feel insecure and I'd advise him not to invest very much emotionally in you or the relationship.
Advice please?
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Old 09-23-2013, 02:35 PM
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MsChristy MsChristy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Now what makes a mfm v so different? I am straight and THE hinge between my men who are both also straight. My relationships are separate but equal.
If her husband always assumed any sort of poly relationship would involve another woman, it could take some mental adjusting on his part to be ok with her being with another man. I agree in the grand scheme of things it isn't that different, but I feel sometimes straight men seem to have preconceived notions that involve other men being more of a threat to their relationship than a woman would be. Not logical, but just what I have noticed.
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Old 09-23-2013, 11:04 PM
Revkah Revkah is offline
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Thanks for all the replies they are super helpful. My difference is just that we usually have a woman in the mix. I am fine with him being with a woman. We just have never been with another guy I have never been interested in another male before. Definitely not to this extent.
I'm new to this responding online chat thing so bear with me.
To London: I just named them plan A and plan B because that is what the letters of their first names are and I thought it was funny. Plan A and are are married and we have become stronger in the communication level of our relationship since this V has started.Thank you for clarifying the terminology as well, I'm still new so please let me know. ( I have been trying to read the other threads as well.) And with the bisexual statement it was just giving info. We know that it isn't "necessary"
We are all three still learning and we have shared with some of our close friends the status of who Plan B is in my life. We live in a really small area that is closed minded to this type of lifestyle but neither of us really care... lol
I hope I hit all the points. Again thank you I got some real insight on this whole thing.
Ok sorry so long. Thanks
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  #9  
Old 09-24-2013, 12:07 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
Me and Plan B have not been intimate but we are getting close. Plan A wants details. I feel that this wouldn't be a good idea. I feel like it should be ok to say that something happened but I don't feel full details are needed.
How about....

"I see that you want more details. I am willing to tell you something happened sexually. I am not willing to give you a play by play of the sex.

I am willing to tell you how having a relationship with B affects you sexually -- sex hygiene and health, calendar planning, etc. I am willing to talk about (me + A) sex. If you want to ask me to keep some sex activities "special" between just us, I could consider it. I'm willing to talk about it. "


It doesn't mean you automatically AGREE, but talking about it is not a problem.

Quote:
Also how/what is the best way to balance two different relationships so that they both feel that they are getting the attention that they want?
Well, what attention do they want? Is it TIME spent with them? Or certain activities?

Quote:
Plan A and Plan B have been down about this triad. Plan A because it's the first time I have added a male and the Plan B because all he is seeing is that he is going to get hurt and that this will end.
For both of them the answer seems the same -- reassure, give it time.

It takes time for the "new normal" to become "old normal" and for them to see nothing "bad" happened.
  • For A to see that a male partner didn't mess anything up with (you + A). Reassure him, come home when you say you will, check in calls, etc.
  • For B to see that he's not getting hurt. Reassure him, point out where he's not being treated "less than" because he's not the married partner.

You could ask each of them what specific things are bothering them.
  • A: WHAT about it being a male partner bothers you?
  • B: WHAT do you think will happen that will hurt you?

Could see if you could help dig down deeper in their thoughts and what might come to light. (Assuming they are willing to share this with you.)

GL!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-24-2013 at 12:09 AM.
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  #10  
Old 09-24-2013, 07:19 AM
Hoyam Hoyam is offline
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Interesting to read! Me, very new to this all, is very surprised about the opinion that the relationships are equal and the doubt about wether or not one partner has the right to information.
Being new to this, i tell my husband almost anything he wants to hear. I thought that 'giving it time' was mostly: go with what he wants cause he needs to be able to adjust. Of course i ask him if the answer to this question will help him and sometimes he can confirm that it realy doesn't, so i don't answer. But sometimes he says it turns him on, and i believe that only for a part. I think he convinces him, cause he feels the strong need to ask me out of fear/jalousy.

Also i see here that nobody realy talks about primary and secundary partner. My husband is very stuck on that term, cause he feels he has more rights, has to be on top of the foodchain, has to be number one. Ofcourse he means so much to me. But him asking me to make him number one is difficult. Which aspects of a relationship count, how important is every aspect and why?

I see you all are more used to this (having done this before), but still struggle with feelings like this. For example, your partner having to get used to a man. There is no comparing to a woman, but now with a man it's different. So no advice from my part, cause i don't have any experience like this. I read with you, cause i think i can learn a lot from the advice here. For me it's not a new kind of V but my first V. So also new!
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