Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #41  
Old 09-10-2013, 08:08 PM
Natja's Avatar
Natja Natja is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 838
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Duckshoes View Post
Okay. I must admitt I am a little confused and feel like there is a back story I am unaware of here (which is fine, I don't really care to be honest)
No, no don't worry he is bit insane.

Anyway, I applaud you for coming back AND making yourselves vulnerable by being open about the conversation with the ex girlfriend. Sorry she has reached her limit though, it's very true that sometimes you don't know what you want until you realise that something is missing.
Reply With Quote
  #42  
Old 09-10-2013, 08:35 PM
Duckshoes Duckshoes is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 26
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Natja View Post
No, no don't worry he is bit insane.

Anyway, I applaud you for coming back AND making yourselves vulnerable by being open about the conversation with the ex girlfriend. Sorry she has reached her limit though, it's very true that sometimes you don't know what you want until you realise that something is missing.
And we of course will move on. It was very helpful to write this down and I have learned a lot over the last couple of days. I don't know if we will ever enter into this type of relationship again, it was a hard end for both of us but if we do, at least now will enter under a different perspective.

I still feel like if she told us it could have worked but I am not deflecting our part of the blame either, I guess it was poor communication on everyones part.
Reply With Quote
  #43  
Old 09-10-2013, 08:53 PM
Natja's Avatar
Natja Natja is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 838
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Duckshoes View Post
And we of course will move on. It was very helpful to write this down and I have learned a lot over the last couple of days. I don't know if we will ever enter into this type of relationship again, it was a hard end for both of us but if we do, at least now will enter under a different perspective.

I still feel like if she told us it could have worked but I am not deflecting our part of the blame either, I guess it was poor communication on everyones part.
No one does everything 100% right all the time, you live, you learn, you own your own sh*t and you get better.
Reply With Quote
  #44  
Old 09-10-2013, 09:26 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 757
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Duckshoes View Post
I again maybe used the wrong terms. When she was around us she said we were all she needed and that she was happy. She never mentioned dating others and when she did it was out of the blue and a shock. That is why we reacted the way we did. I honestly thought she enjoyed the relationship as it was and didn't know she wanted more. When we spoke she said that I should have known and perhaps she was right. I just didn't see it.
Expecting you to read her mind was unfair and unrealistic. I don't know how you should have known if her words said otherwise.
Reply With Quote
  #45  
Old 09-10-2013, 09:59 PM
Duckshoes Duckshoes is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 26
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
Expecting you to read her mind was unfair and unrealistic. I don't know how you should have known if her words said otherwise.
And to be clear, I am not looking for blame to be distributed here. The situation is what it is and I can't change that. Communication obviously wasn't where it needed to be with all of us and that is too bad. Hindsight is 20/20 and maybe she was unreasonable in her expectations of us noticing as we were in thinking everything was fine. Really at the end of the day a really good relationship where 3 people loved each other is now over and that is what makes me sad.

You guys have been more than helpfull in one way or another for someone who just popped up and shoved this in your face - thank you
Reply With Quote
  #46  
Old 09-11-2013, 12:57 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 5,914
Default

Best advice for you and your wife if poly is really for you: date separately. Searching for a woman to add to your coupledom is almost sure to fail. We see it again and again here, the aftermath from either a couple, or a unicorn/HBB (hot bi babe), where there was jealousy, unequal affection, trouble sharing living space, unicorns lying to themselves about loving both of the couple when they were really only into one, or one of the couple feeling sidelined, and the list goes on.

Now, if you and your dw date separately, if your taste in partners meshes at all, who knows, one of your future partners may realize she also loves/lusts for your wife, or vice versa. That is a natural triad, and not unicorn hunting, and it can be very nice when it happens. But don't go looking for a girl to fit in a box.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 61) loving miss pixi (poly, F, 39) since January 2009, living together since 2013
"Master," (mono, 36), miss pixi's Dom for 3 years
Reply With Quote
  #47  
Old 09-11-2013, 02:35 PM
Duckshoes Duckshoes is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 26
Default

I don't think either of us are interested in just solo dating, just not what we are looking for. My wife and I spoke a bit last night about it and really she is just in a different place and wants different things. We are looking for a relationship where we are included in the persons life, she doesn't want any type of committment. Thats fine, just not compatable. Looking back I feel like she has always kept us at an arms distance, we never meet her friends, she didn't really talk much about her day and often we were surprised of things that she kept hidden from us. I don't fault her, she just didn't want to open up to us like we wanted. That she went on her date less than 48hrs after the break up to me also shows that she was able to move on much quicker than we were. Not mad about any of this, she was just looking for something different than we were.
Reply With Quote
  #48  
Old 09-11-2013, 03:46 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 398
Default

Fyi, if you want a committed relationship and not date solo you are going to need to be okay with the other person having another relationship as well. Expecting them to be only with you and not be able to have legal benefits or in some cases not have children of her own if she wants will make it near impossible to find anyone.
__________________
Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
N8: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: N8 girlfriend
Ruby: Part of the Leather Family
Logan: Leather Sir in the Family
Arc: Logan's boy
Holly: Leather family
K: Holly's sub
Reply With Quote
  #49  
Old 09-11-2013, 03:52 PM
Natja's Avatar
Natja Natja is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 838
Default

I think the point Madlyn was trying to make Duckshoes is that not many women are interested in what you are offering. As long as you have a standard Unicorn box you require someone to fill, the less likely you are to ever have it. As already pointed out, most triads are formed accidentally, not as a result of looking for it.

And I would hazard a guess that the younger your demographic, the less likely you are to be successful, the most healthy triads I have seen are when all the people who are way past their childbearing years.
Reply With Quote
  #50  
Old 09-11-2013, 05:07 PM
Duckshoes Duckshoes is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 26
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Natja View Post
I think the point Madlyn was trying to make Duckshoes is that not many women are interested in what you are offering. As long as you have a standard Unicorn box you require someone to fill, the less likely you are to ever have it. As already pointed out, most triads are formed accidentally, not as a result of looking for it.

And I would hazard a guess that the younger your demographic, the less likely you are to be successful, the most healthy triads I have seen are when all the people who are way past their childbearing years.

And this one did form by accident, not us looking at all. We know now that our concept was difficult for her, we just didn't know beforehand. I don't want her to be trapped by us but I also don't want to just be a casual side project. We asked to be a part of her life in a way she doesn't want right now. We are just in different places. We can let her see others but ask that she includes us in her life. I don't just want to see her every other week while she spends all of her other time with others. I would have a hard time seeing that as a relationship. She wants something different, that's all
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
unicorn hunting, unicorns

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:37 AM.