Advice or guidance

[gorgeouskitten]

Originally Posted by Duckshoes

Maybe we are unreasonable in wanting all of her attention and feeling hurt when she seeks others affection. I'm just not so sure that we can do it

Bingo. One thing i dislike in poly is when people have rules over someone else having multiple partners when you yourself do. im not immune to it, check out my thread "dating and committment among secondaries"

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=54405

I just had moments of doubt over my boyfriend having others, there are some good responses on there to me that you may find helpful.

If you and your wife want polyfidelity with a third, it is probably unlikely.

[Natja]

Originally Posted by Duckshoes

We didn't tell anyone because that was her wish. One of the problems we have is that because she can't tell anyone about us, we can't go anywhere with her as a couple/three

It looks to me like she is desirous to have a primary relationship which you are unable to give her and she didn't, for whatever reason feel comfortable challenging the status quo by being open and out.

This is not uncommon in these types of relationships, so what you need to do for the best possible outcome for everyone would be to re-think this notion of exclusivity, enjoy what time you all have together and do not interfere with her other relationships.

If you are unwilling to release this control perhaps poly is not the best choice for you?

[YouAreHere]

A good article on couple privilege:
http://tacit.livejournal.com/578925.html

Hope this helps somewhat...

[Duckshoes]

Originally Posted by Dagferi

Couple privilege... Google it.

Thank you

I think that that term explains a lot. I don't know if my wife and I can move pass that or not. We are willing to share her in our lives as much as she wants but yes we are selfish and have trouble if she moves beyond just us. Maybe we aren't really poly and maybe we aren't really fair. It was hard to watch a loved one go and I'm not so sure we can bring her back (if she wants back) under her terms.

I guess I am writing here as a way to get some of my feeling out and see what others think. I understand our choices may be different from others and I hope people respect that just as much as I will respect theirs.

My wife and I are trying and it is a learn as you go approach.

[WhatHappened]

Did she live with you?

[Duckshoes]

Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten

Bingo. One thing i dislike in poly is when people have rules over someone else having multiple partners when you yourself do. im not immune to it, check out my thread "dating and committment among secondaries"

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=54405

I just had moments of doubt over my boyfriend having others, there are some good responses on there to me that you may find helpful.

If you and your wife want polyfidelity with a third, it is probably unlikely.

I understand what you are saying but I also see it that she does have multiple partners in a way, both me and my wife. I fully understand that we may be very unfair in this and I 'm not looking for approval. Just reading your responses and writing out how I feel has been very helpful

[Duckshoes]

Originally Posted by WhatHappened

Did she live with you?

She had her own place but would be over between 3-5 times a week. I should also add that there is an age difference (she is younger) and I think she was afraid of commitment at this stage in her life

[alibabe_muse]

Originally Posted by Duckshoes

I understand what you are saying but I also see it that she does have multiple partners in a way, both me and my wife. I fully understand that we may be very unfair in this and I 'm not looking for approval. Just reading your responses and writing out how I feel has been very helpful

I'm new here and to poly. From what I've been learning it sounds like you and wife are looking for polyfidelity in a triad. You'll be called unicorn hunters too. It sounded to me like she broke it off with you. If not or if she's willing to be in a relationship with you two on her terms you're going to have to accept it; otherwise leave her alone.

And if you and wife feel you have love for another, then do your research, figure out what you want for yourselves individually and if poly is for each of you or not. You may be a couple but you both are still individuals.

[Natja]

Originally Posted by Duckshoes

She had her own place but would be over between 3-5 times a week. I should also add that there is an age difference (she is younger) and I think she was afraid of commitment at this stage in her life

I think it's easy to assume it's commitment that is the problem but it's more likely to be that she wants what you had, a chance to establish her own family. You attempted to prevent her from doing that and she, rightly, ended things. This is very often the course of things in these kinds of relationship which is why they are quite rare to find and maintain. It's not judgement or differing opinion, it's just what is.

[Duckshoes]

Originally Posted by Natja

I think it's easy to assume it's commitment that is the problem but it's more likely to be that she wants what you had, a chance to establish her own family. You attempted to prevent her from doing that and she, rightly, ended things. This is very often the course of things in these kinds of relationship which is why they are quite rare to find and maintain. It's not judgement or differing opinion, it's just what is.

And maybe what we are looking for is that unicorn, I don't know. I get what she wants, just not so sure we can provide.....