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  #1  
Old 09-09-2013, 07:03 PM
Duckshoes Duckshoes is offline
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Default Advice or guidance

Hello


I am writing to you because I don't know who else to talk to.


My wife and I have been seeing another girl for about 8 months and this last Friday she told us that she wants to keep seeing us while dating other people (she was asked out by a friend who didn't know about us). We said that it wasn't something we could foresee us accommodating and that the issue was a time one and not a love one. She chose to leave us saying that she wasn't able to commit to us exclusively. This has devastated my wife and me and to be honest we are both kind of a wreck. I truly believe that we have the capacity to love multiple people but I also don't think a relationship can work without seeing someone on a regular basis. My wife and I aren't looking for a casual sex partner who we see every now and then and I am worried that if we let her see other people our relationship will just come down to opportune moments that work on her schedule. Am I wrong in feeling this way? We never told anyone about our relationship and we don't have anyone to talk to. I don't know what poly really is and I don't think it is the same to everyone. I don't even know what I am looking for from you but I just need to at least get someone else's perspective on this


Thank you for your time
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  #2  
Old 09-09-2013, 07:13 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Gosh it's hard to believe it's not going to work. What else would you "LET" her do . Is there a rule book ?

How much time is she required to spend with each or collectively with you ?

Fuck her ...plenty more unicorns out there ...put on you ulmer fudd hats and get hunting
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  #3  
Old 09-09-2013, 07:18 PM
Duckshoes Duckshoes is offline
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Perhaps "let" was a poor choice of words. She is free to do as she wants and unfortunatly she chose to leave us and see this new guy. We just can't see how her dating others while seeing us would fit into our relationship and that is why it ended. I guess it was a line we couldn't cross and one that she wasn't able to accept
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  #4  
Old 09-09-2013, 07:30 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Duckshoes View Post
We said that it wasn't something we could foresee us accommodating and that the issue was a time one and not a love one. She chose to leave us saying that she wasn't able to commit to us exclusively.
My partner and I (and his OSO) drew up a calendar, outlining which days he'd be sharing with each of us. It helped calm the "but when am I going to see you" worries that I had.

If I'd told him to not see his OSO, I'd fully expect him to say that he couldn't accommodate my request, and that we'd have to redefine (or end) the relationship.

In asking your GF to not see other people, you put the cart before the horse. Perhaps there were other ways of working out a schedule, or enough time (and perhaps defining what "enough time" really is, anyway). Perhaps you could have worked something out on a trial basis where she spends a number of days a week apart from you, while you mull over how it feels.

My recommendation is to work out the problem first, then talk it over with everyone before coming to a solution. Other people's solutions may surprise you, and may be just as workable as the one you would have decided upon.

I'm sorry you and your wife are heartbroken, but I hope you have the clarity to use this situation to see that any potential GFs might find a proactive approach better than a reactive "thou shalt not".
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono, in an LTR with Chops
Chops (previously known as 'P'): partner and best friend. Poly. In LTRs with me and Xena, and dating Noa.
Xena (previously known as M1): My metamour, Poly. Also in an LTR with Chops. Dating Noa and some others.
Noa (previously AG): Dating Chops and Xena (individually).

My navel-gazing blog thread:
A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
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  #5  
Old 09-09-2013, 08:03 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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You weren't committed to her exclusively. You also had your wife. Your wife wasn't committed to her exclusively. She also had you.

Did you believe the two of you had more capacity to love multiple people than your girlfriend?

Did your girlfriend live with the two of you?
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  #6  
Old 09-09-2013, 08:07 PM
Flowerchild Flowerchild is offline
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Default Ok, hold on

I'd like to feel sorry for you, but you haven't given a whole lot to work with. You want a woman to commit exclusively to you, very well. But committing to a couple, as a single woman (or man), is tough. You're constantly being told by others that this isn't healthy, you're being used, you'll never be a "real" part of the relationship, the husband/wife can remove you at any time for any reason, etc.

Are you pressing her to be attracted, emotionally and physically, to you both the same? Did you ever sense her leaning towards one or the other....and ignore that? Are you really willing to fulfill her needs, and I mean, big commitments like kids? What if she wants to have a child with you....does she believe your wife would "allow" that? Do you both show her that you love her, or have the potential to love her, the same as you do each other? As someone mentioned, did you invite her to live with you....or make sure she had her own space within your home?

So far as I see it, you aren't even willing to acknowledge her to your friends (you stated you told no one about this). It appears she has not pressed you for more than you're willing to give, but it's her right (in fact, in the poly world, it's her obligation) to get for herself the things you can't or won't provide.
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  #7  
Old 09-09-2013, 08:07 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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It's not wrong per se, but only if the dynamic of your relationship is desired and explicitly consented to. On this forum, people tend to get dirted (people go out of their way to give you a hard time) when you use language such as

"...if we let her see other people..."

because it's often taken as exerting unnecessary control in her life that is not your right to exert which is only viewed as acceptable with clear communication and with her -- as a fully knowledgeable adult and by her own un-manipulated freewill -- chooses to give you control of her life to make such decisions regardless of her thoughts on the matter. Without explicit consent, such behavior is considered abusive, although I think I know what you meant as it can also be an innocent, but misleading way to word a sentence that states

"...if I will continue to date her if she chooses to see other people besides my wife..."

if that makes sense, couples who are seeing a woman are not cut any slack, so just so you know, not to take it personally if you feel attacked or any hostility in the replies here. If I sound hostile, you have my word it is unintentional

but if I may be honest, it will involve calling you out on the way you've presented your reasoning for not wanting to see other people. Because unless the discussion she had with you included a very detailed, itemized, scheduled agenda it would be hard to view "time" as a legitimate reason for not wanting her to date others besides you or your wife.

I think the most common underlying reasons that typically get labeled with some other excuse are

1) You have some issues to work out with her dating others and would likely find any reason or excuse to prevent her from having intimate relationships as it is the intimate aspect (IE the sex) that most people have trouble with

or

2) Because society is not tolerant of any intimate relationships other than between one man & one woman, the underlying concern is that this new person will likely need to be trusted to respect your privacy and be responsible with knowing about her relationship with you. It entails not only refraining form telling people, but also letting on or hinting which includes certain behaviors and emotions must be completely ignored when an outsider could be observing. The need for secrecy often plays a big roll when non-traditional relationships fail


I am going to assume you are human, and it is natural to choose to take the more convenient route in all choices that present themselves, however in matters of relationships, emotions, or matters of honesty you will be doing yourself a great favor to make sure you fully understand your feelings so that you can be completely honest with your girlfriend. I can't speak for anybody but myself, but I know that I am far more worried about being misled by someone I care about that I am about them having sex with others. So I am very picking about who I will allow into my life because people who are not practiced at knowing themselves and their emotions have a hard time relating to anybody in a way that is honest enough for my comfort level.

But here the honesty is something more along the lines of this hypothetical situation, say you are late for work because you woke up to a flat tire, on your drive in most people would be a little less tolerant of other drivers not being in the rush you may be in and have a tendency to overreact and misplace the whole frustration of being late on others. All people would be prone to getting frustrated at other drivers doing their own morning commute, but the difference between a person who practiced honesty is they would never forget the real reason they are late (which is the only reason they are upset) and the person who is practiced at taking the easy route will forget that the reason they are upset is not because the person in front of them is traveling at 24mph and the limit is 25mph. If we are not careful to understand the truth in life you may become accustomed to actually believing the problem was not the fact that you were late for work, but that the person who was doing 24 in a 25mph zone is the real reason you were upset that morning

the latter type of person is likely to live a very unsatisfying and unhappy life because they will not be able to change the facets of life they hold the power to control, and they are in general miserable people

of course that is just one way that I can think of to illustrate the role that honesty plays in your view on the life and the reasons things in your life are the way they are. It hard to be honest, but in the long run you will be much happier if you practice honesty
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  #8  
Old 09-09-2013, 08:11 PM
Duckshoes Duckshoes is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Flowerchild View Post
I'd like to feel sorry for you, but you haven't given a whole lot to work with. You want a woman to commit exclusively to you, very well. But committing to a couple, as a single woman (or man), is tough. You're constantly being told by others that this isn't healthy, you're being used, you'll never be a "real" part of the relationship, the husband/wife can remove you at any time for any reason, etc.

Are you pressing her to be attracted, emotionally and physically, to you both the same? Did you ever sense her leaning towards one or the other....and ignore that? Are you really willing to fulfill her needs, and I mean, big commitments like kids? What if she wants to have a child with you....does she believe your wife would "allow" that? Do you both show her that you love her, or have the potential to love her, the same as you do each other? As someone mentioned, did you invite her to live with you....or make sure she had her own space within your home?

So far as I see it, you aren't even willing to acknowledge her to your friends (you stated you told no one about this). It appears she has not pressed you for more than you're willing to give, but it's her right (in fact, in the poly world, it's her obligation) to get for herself the things you can't or won't provide.
We didn't tell anyone because that was her wish. One of the problems we have is that because she can't tell anyone about us, we can't go anywhere with her as a couple/three
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  #9  
Old 09-09-2013, 08:19 PM
Duckshoes Duckshoes is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dirtclustit View Post
It's not wrong per se, but only if the dynamic of your relationship is desired and explicitly consented to. On this forum, people tend to get dirted (people go out of their way to give you a hard time) when you use language such as

"...if we let her see other people..."

because it's often taken as exerting unnecessary control in her life that is not your right to exert which is only viewed as acceptable with clear communication and with her -- as a fully knowledgeable adult and by her own un-manipulated freewill -- chooses to give you control of her life to make such decisions regardless of her thoughts on the matter. Without explicit consent, such behavior is considered abusive, although I think I know what you meant as it can also be an innocent, but misleading way to word a sentence that states

"...if I will continue to date her if she chooses to see other people besides my wife..."

if that makes sense, couples who are seeing a woman are not cut any slack, so just so you know, not to take it personally if you feel attacked or any hostility in the replies here. If I sound hostile, you have my word it is unintentional

but if I may be honest, it will involve calling you out on the way you've presented your reasoning for not wanting to see other people. Because unless the discussion she had with you included a very detailed, itemized, scheduled agenda it would be hard to view "time" as a legitimate reason for not wanting her to date others besides you or your wife.

I think the most common underlying reasons that typically get labeled with some other excuse are

1) You have some issues to work out with her dating others and would likely find any reason or excuse to prevent her from having intimate relationships as it is the intimate aspect (IE the sex) that most people have trouble with

or

2) Because society is not tolerant of any intimate relationships other than between one man & one woman, the underlying concern is that this new person will likely need to be trusted to respect your privacy and be responsible with knowing about her relationship with you. It entails not only refraining form telling people, but also letting on or hinting which includes certain behaviors and emotions must be completely ignored when an outsider could be observing. The need for secrecy often plays a big roll when non-traditional relationships fail


I am going to assume you are human, and it is natural to choose to take the more convenient route in all choices that present themselves, however in matters of relationships, emotions, or matters of honesty you will be doing yourself a great favor to make sure you fully understand your feelings so that you can be completely honest with your girlfriend. I can't speak for anybody but myself, but I know that I am far more worried about being misled by someone I care about that I am about them having sex with others. So I am very picking about who I will allow into my life because people who are not practiced at knowing themselves and their emotions have a hard time relating to anybody in a way that is honest enough for my comfort level.

But here the honesty is something more along the lines of this hypothetical situation, say you are late for work because you woke up to a flat tire, on your drive in most people would be a little less tolerant of other drivers not being in the rush you may be in and have a tendency to overreact and misplace the whole frustration of being late on others. All people would be prone to getting frustrated at other drivers doing their own morning commute, but the difference between a person who practiced honesty is they would never forget the real reason they are late (which is the only reason they are upset) and the person who is practiced at taking the easy route will forget that the reason they are upset is not because the person in front of them is traveling at 24mph and the limit is 25mph. If we are not careful to understand the truth in life you may become accustomed to actually believing the problem was not the fact that you were late for work, but that the person who was doing 24 in a 25mph zone is the real reason you were upset that morning

the latter type of person is likely to live a very unsatisfying and unhappy life because they will not be able to change the facets of life they hold the power to control, and they are in general miserable people

of course that is just one way that I can think of to illustrate the role that honesty plays in your view on the life and the reasons things in your life are the way they are. It hard to be honest, but in the long run you will be much happier if you practice honesty
You don't seem hostile and to be honest I didn't really expect much reaching out to the internet.

I realize my choice of language may be poor. There was never a controlling aspect to this and I don't want it to come accross like there was. She saw my wife and I equally, loving us both and spending time with both. Now she wants more and we don't. Maybe we are poly, maybe we aren't. I don't know how she would feel if we started seeing another, my guess is that she would not be happy. I am not looking for you to tell me I am right or wrong, just hearing other perspectives.

Maybe we are unreasonable in wanting all of her attention and feeling hurt when she seeks others affection. I'm just not so sure that we can do it
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  #10  
Old 09-09-2013, 08:21 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Couple privilege... Google it.
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Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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