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  #11  
Old 01-20-2011, 07:04 AM
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Ohiogrl Ohiogrl is offline
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GRRRRRRR.

TRYING to sit here and mind my own business.

His last GF who was said she was fine about the poly, (till it was my turn oddly) and then ditched him, has called back. She caused him soooo much pain. And its not like I was demanding either. I know about NRE. I stepped aside for a week and would have longer except I was going to busy busy busy for a bit and asked he spend one day with me. She completely flipped out. She is one I did NOT screen because I knew her through other freinds and didn't feel I had to worry. >_<

The thing is I really liked her. Alot. I had very high hopes for the two of them. I guess I am hurting a bit too, but not as much as he has. and I am fiercely protective of him.

Since I am about to move, I am especially worried he will turn to some random floosy in order to fill that void. I was soooo happy when he met her. I want him to be with someone especially now, so he had someone to turn to after I leave. Maybe make my leaving less painful for him.

I hope they can over come their differences, and I hope that she can accept that I will always be in the picture, where ever I am at. I will eventually be coming home after all.

But at the same time, I have already lost the trust I had for her, and its hard for me to not want to tear her throat out with my teeth. LOL.

No real questions here. I'm just highly irritated at the moment.
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  #12  
Old 01-20-2011, 07:45 AM
Laylah Laylah is offline
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trust is a hard thing to earn... let alone earn it then loose it. Hope it gets better for you.
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  #13  
Old 01-20-2011, 04:15 PM
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Try to remember that their relationship is not yours. Its their path to take and you are just a witness. Your involvement is not necessary or perhaps even wanted.

I'm not sure what you meant by *screening* but its not up to you to screen. It sounds like *veto power* and that is a very tricky position to be in. Doing a tag search for *veto power* will bring up some info on that. It essentially is about the primary partners right to demand their partner not date someone. Newbies tend to us it to make themselves think they have some control. They don't and it often becomes obvious that they just can't demand anything; only work with what is presented to them.

I feel for you. What you are going through is my biggest struggle in poly. I get what you are feeling. It sucks. Hope you find a way to let it go and let them work it out.
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  #14  
Old 01-20-2011, 04:21 PM
preciselove preciselove is offline
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I believe you should screen anyone that is going to be impacting your life to any great level. Whilst the occasional uncomfortable morning isn't too big a drama, doing it every weekend isn't worth it for you. You may want to give people more time than looking at a dating profile though, if that's how you're screening.

Going by the girls I've metwho are purely interested in me.... they either don't think about the other woman (IF I SQUEEZE MY FACE UP LIKE A LEMON SHE DOESN'T EXIST) or think that the relationship must be close to over, so I'd say it's a fairly common thing.

I guess if it's too hard to find someone that is compatible with everyone involved you can either lower you standards and deal with that, or keep waiting (perhaps forever) for the unicorn. Educating people over the long term is another option, someone at first might be all "no way would I do that", but if they are compatible with you it might be worth trying to convince them over time about the lifestyle, it has a lot of logical things going for it.

Last edited by preciselove; 01-20-2011 at 04:23 PM.
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  #15  
Old 01-21-2011, 12:02 AM
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No worries. I was good. He talked to me about it after. (because to answer Redpeppers question of my involvement, yes it is wanted and my thoughts on the new ones are sought after... But I do understand what you are saying though. I do have veto power, as his choice not just mine, but I am very careful to use it responsibly.)

This woman was all over the place from accusing him of lying and cheating last night to begging him to come to her house. She even pulled "I think there is someone outside my house and I'm scared" thing. When he told her he was gonna hang up so she could call the cops suddenly, it wasn't an issue. Yeah so really weird, unhinged convo he had. I wont get to far into that...

He is feeling very bad because she is hurt, or to be more precise, her life is ruined now because of him. (according to her and in less than a week. ummm. ok.) We have come to the conclusion that perhaps the girl just isn't stable. There are many reasons for that, I wont get into. Which was not an easy thing to admit, because of how we view strong emotions vs. Bipolar tendencies... but she could just be the real thing.

He is a very very sensitive guy. May not appear so outwardly, but he genuinely gets upset if he thinks he may have done something wrong to hurt some one or something. (and usually it is things that are not in his realm of control) I cant tell you how many baby bunnies he has come home with after working at his lawn care business, where the nest was accidentally hit, and he could only save a few, if any. He gets really upset by this. That kinda super sensitive ya know?

So because this girl his blaming him for everything on her plate basically, he, naturally to him, takes it. And holds guilt for it. When he has done nothing wrong.

I take that back. He does do something wrong. And not wrong for everyone mind you, but consistently been a problem and has been wrong for him. He needs to spend more time getting to know these women before sleeping with them. You cant explain poly in a few hours, or really get to know anyone either. (Yeah, A few hours I totally said that.>_<) And since he has such an emotional attachment to sex, he ends up getting hurt even worse. And often so do they. More often than not the girls are the one who make the first move, but I cant blame them. LOL. He is smokin hot. He has this animalistic "maleness" to him. He just ooozes sexual energy. A person cant help but want to hit that. LOL. But I have explained it to him that since he has such a very high sexual energy vibe, it has to be his responsibility to say, no, lets wait. And not sleep with everyone who throws themselves at him. ( And I can imagine it is very hard for ANY guy to do that!)

When I screen, or Veto as it is, I do this out of love and concern. I dont do it as a means to keep him to myself. He really really has poor judgment. Not because he is an idiot or anything, but because he is all rose colored glasses when it comes to girls. He believes the lies, he over looks red flags, and he is a total hero type. He ends up with "poor pitiful me" chics, who are doing nothing more than using him in some manner or another. He is a fix it type of guy in situations that cant be fixed. I want him to be in a happy healthy relationship. Even if it means I dont like the girl, which is a very probable outcome, as long as she is not psycho, I can totally handle it. LOL.

When I am describing these girls, I am not talking about poly confused, or jealous, or what might be in the normal realm of relationship trouble. I really truly mean, we have had a whole slew of the really far off the charts drama kind. (SERIOUSLY far off the charts!) I think I will post about them in my blog, so you can get a better idea what has transpired.....


I am really glad to be here, I have already learned so much. And everyones insight has been very helpful to me. Thank you.
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  #16  
Old 01-21-2011, 01:08 AM
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She sounds very sad. It's nothing to do with him and everything to do with her own insecurities. He need not take that one... if he can I hope he is deflecting that energy and giving it back to her. It isn't his to take on. Its not his fault if she is lost.

It sounds like you don't have Veto so much as you give him your opinion. That is a bit different. Veto is putting your foot down and saying no entirely. Him having a hard time judging means that you offer him some sound advice on situations that he trusts. That is a good thing. It can be hard to not turn it into a veto however, as it sounds like it drives you crazy.

I had a situation like yours at one point. I had to be very firm with PN that the woman he was madly in love with and NREing all over the place didn't love him and was using him for sex. He didn't see it and took his attention away from me and his boy as a result. I eventually told him that I thought she had to go and he agreed and called it off. It broke his heart and he was angry with me and disappointed... it turned out that he had done the right thing because the first thing she said back was "oh that's too bad, I won't be able to have sex with you any more now." It was that statement that turned it around for him and he has been grateful ever since that he trusted me. It built our trust from there on in. He gets major rose coloured glasses and is hopeless with NRE issues! To the point where he is determined not to date again and is mono to me at the moment.
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  #17  
Old 01-21-2011, 01:16 AM
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Ah yes, exactly. Over the years we have learned to talk openly about things and one of those things is the partners we choose.

I have had a few situations exactly as you just described. I guess we all get a little love sick from time to time and cant see what is really happening in front of us. I dont mean to sound like my BF is the only one who does this. I have fell into stupidity myself before. Though it has been a very very very long time.
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