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  #21  
Old 07-30-2009, 08:09 PM
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Well the one benefit that I am definitly getting currently is the love and support from my husband after having my heart broken. You can get support from friends, but this is more intimate (and I don't mean sex), a more personal kind of support, especially if non of your other friends know of your polyness or understand it.
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  #22  
Old 07-30-2009, 08:18 PM
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First there is the question of whether you are a "conditioned mono" or a "natural mono".

If you're a conditioned mono, then perhaps you could be free to explore multiple loves yourself and enjoy more intimate people in your life.

As a natural mono, my benefits are solely hinged on the opportunity to love Redpepper. If she wasn't polyamorous I wouldn't be able to share her intimate love. In knowing she has a loving husband I am somewhat free to take time for myself that I might feel guilt over if it was just me and her.

I could still be involved in her family if we weren't intimately in love and all the aspects I have learned from poly could be applied in a mono relationship. It has brought out growth in me and realizations I might not otherwise been pushed to however.

It's good you are seeking help. Hopefully your therapist is relationship style neutral. I don't like the idea of anyone going to see a traditional relationship or poly friendly relationship therapist because both may have a tendency to preach their own beliefs whether intentional or not.

Take care and good luck in your journey
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  #23  
Old 07-30-2009, 08:20 PM
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Originally Posted by vandalin View Post
Well the one benefit that I am definitly getting currently is the love and support from my husband after having my heart broken. .
Sorry Vandalin, but I think she is looking at it from the perspective of being mono entering into a poly relationship..but I could be wrong
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  #24  
Old 07-30-2009, 08:24 PM
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I am sensing that not only are you scared but angry also. Being in a "v" is not easy.

His wife takes presidence over you I am afraid and will, in my opinion, until he sorts his marriage out fully. I would think, from what I understand, that they have just worked it out and are sorting their own issues out.
Be careful and empathetic my friend. You might lose him if you lose patience and make demands. She came first and is the one he married. You would be better off looking into your heart and seeing what it is you hate about her and do your best to be friendly and hospitable. Often wives have the vito power and if you can't find it in your heart to play nice that might be what happens.

You are embarking on something huge and the likes you have never known... There will be new relationship rules that you get to lay out, but also they do, there will be far more time alone possibly than mono relationships, you will negotiate like never before and will communicate like never before. You will also love like never before! It will change your life from here on in.

Its your choice if you make that a positive change and learn from it or not.

Remember, she is not the enemy and poly is not the enemy. No one is the enemy, its just different than you are used to and may or may not be your path. Nothing more and nothing less.

I think mono is the only mono one on here that could help. Many of us have come from a similar place and all of us have had huge struggles at times with living life this way. Most, if not all, have been mono ourselves.

Your man is asking you to step up to the plate, as is his wife.

Good luck! Keep being honest and open as that is where to start.

Mono's going to be jealous! He doesn't get me half as much as you are getting your man! Think yourself lucky! Infact! Think yourself lucky that you are experiencing life! This path has been laid before you for a reason. I, for one, wonder what that reason is and how you intend to use it for the better good.?
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Last edited by redpepper; 07-30-2009 at 08:27 PM.
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  #25  
Old 07-30-2009, 08:25 PM
distraughtinNJ distraughtinNJ is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Sorry Vandalin, but I think she is looking at it from the perspective of being mono entering into a poly relationship..but I could be wrong
Yes, I am looking for benefits of being mono in a poly relationship.
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  #26  
Old 07-30-2009, 08:33 PM
distraughtinNJ distraughtinNJ is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I am sensing that not only are you scared but angry also. Being in a "v" is not easy.?
Yes, scared and angry are it. I was married at age 19 for 10 years to a controling abusive man who cheated on me with the next door neighbor while I was at work stating that if he couldn't get what he wanted from me (sexually) then he is more than allowed to go get it somewhere else. I have escaped that but the cheating, not good enough, I'll get it where ever I want because you are a loser feelings still haunt me.
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  #27  
Old 07-30-2009, 08:36 PM
distraughtinNJ distraughtinNJ is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Mono's going to be jealous! He doesn't get me half as much as you are getting your man!
Mono....don't you miss her and hate being alone so much?
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  #28  
Old 07-30-2009, 08:46 PM
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Originally Posted by distraughtinNJ View Post
Yes, I am looking for benefits of being mono in a poly relationship.
Being mono in a poly relationship has pushed me to develop my communication skills like never before. It has taught me the value of radical honesty and maintaining connection through actually "talking" with the woman I love. It has also allowed me to have a wonderful "chosen" family.

Here's the thing, once those lesson are learned and skills developed they can be applied to any relationship dynamic. I know I am a better partner than I ever could have become in my mono relationship. These are transferable, however. So what are the long term benefits to being in a poly relationship as a mono? For me it is about getting to love a woman I would not otherwise have had the opportunity. That is the one benefit that I could not have if she wasn't poly.

Wow..you do get your man a lot! Redpepper would get bored though..KIDDING Lilo!!
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  #29  
Old 07-30-2009, 08:54 PM
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Originally Posted by distraughtinNJ View Post
Mono....don't you miss her and hate being alone so much?
The ability to be alone and happy is one I worked at and didn't develop for 37 years. I spent Xmas alone Last year and it was a wonderful and fulfilling time.

I miss Redpepper always, but I never feel completely without her. She resides in my heart no matter where she is. I also love her husband and take a great deal of pleasure in knowing she is with him and safe. I want them closer as a couple.

Their relationship is easy for me because ultimately I want their family to thrive even if it costs me in the end. I love her so much I simply want her to be happy and fulfilled within her marriage and family. That is why I have no jealousy for what they have.

I love myself now..grudgingly because of my past but still I do. I am never alone
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  #30  
Old 07-30-2009, 09:21 PM
distraughtinNJ distraughtinNJ is offline
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I love myself now..grudgingly because of my past but still I do. I am never alone
I hope I could get there someday.
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