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  #11  
Old 09-08-2013, 03:53 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Everyone has answered the other questions.

You just forgot the part about why your LT partner cannot handle being alone: twins that are how many months old? You said in July that your girlfriend was upset about the amount of time you were at home to help with feeding them. Seriously? That sounds like someone who has no idea what it takes to be a parent or understands how much responsibility comes along with it. Parenting is not a job you can turn off like a switch. Your girlfriend is a grown woman, and if her brain cannot process the fact that you are a parent and those newborn babies come before her, perhaps she would be better off with someone else. I realise you love her, but she needs to accept that she cannot be the centre of your universe or have all of your available time.

These are the same problems you had two months ago and nothing has changed.Since your last post, has she made any attempt to help with the babies or come to your home for overnight visits, if there is space? Has she tried to integrate herself in to your new chapter of life? Does your partner have a problem with her helping, or does she just have no interest?
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  #12  
Old 09-08-2013, 04:17 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
These are the same problems you had two months ago and nothing has changed.Since your last post, has she made any attempt to help with the babies or come to your home for overnight visits, if there is space? Has she tried to integrate herself in to your new chapter of life? Does your partner have a problem with her helping, or does she just have no interest?
I finally went to the OP profile and looked at the previous posts. So this is the same fellow who was STILL visiting his girlfriend several nights a week when his wife was IN THE HOSPITAL with the NEWBORN TWINS... correct?

As I see it, these are the options:
1. Tell the GF to learn to be extremely grateful for the time she gets with you
2. Tell the wife "I'm not into this 'kid thing' so lets separate, here's all of my money for the next 18 years"
Good luck!!
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  #13  
Old 09-08-2013, 05:09 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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My SO's children are 11 and 13 - and they come before me always. That is exactly as it should be. Depending on scheduling, sometimes we see each other a couple of times a week, and sometimes we don't see one another for a couple of weeks.

That's the issue with polyamory - not how much love we have to share, but how much time we have to share. The fact of it is, as a new dad, you don't have much. (Does your wife get a couple of days a week off too? Just curious.)

The only way I can see to deal with the time issue is to combine time spent with gf and your wife - of course they both need to be willing.
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  #14  
Old 09-08-2013, 05:12 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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I have multiple advanced degrees and accomplishments in life that leave people routinely asking, "How do you do it?" I also have twins. Let me be very clear: EVERYTHING THEY THINK IS IMPRESSIVE IS NOTHING COMPARED TO HOW HARD NEWBORN TWINS WERE.

Absolutely nothing in my life has compared to how hard it is to be home with two infants. And that's even with my church providing our dinners for two solid months. You get barely any sleep. You spend every waking moment changing diapers, feeding, and cleaning spit-up off your clothes and furniture. You might spend hours each day walking up and down with fussy babies when you're exhausted yourself and haven't had a decent meal in two days because there's no time to make one, let alone sit down and eat it. Sometimes, it's impossible to care for both at the same time, and you listen to one baby cry while you're practically in tears yourself trying to settle the other one. Your house is often a mess. You might not have clean clothes because you don't have time to get to the laundry. I could go on and on.

If my husband had left me 2-3 nights per week to be with a girlfriend when they were brand new, he'd be singing soprano. Not that it would matter, because I'd be through with him. (Actually--come to think of it, he spent a great deal of that time having coffee with a female friend while I was home alone dealing with two babies, and I AM through with him. We're now divorced.)

As a secondary myself, I'm normally perhaps a little bit touchy about remembering these outside relationships are human beings, too, and not disposable, but darn, she needs to grow up and realize you've got TWO new babies at home and a wife who needs help.

YOU need to realize that you brought two brand new human beings into this world, and you DO have obligations to them and to their mother/your wife.

Honestly, maybe now is not the time to have a girlfriend at all, unless she values you enough to value your children, too, and help out instead of pulling you away from them.
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  #15  
Old 09-08-2013, 08:20 AM
london london is offline
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I looked after 10 day old twins at work for 45 minutes whilst their mum went for a scan. Totally overwhelming. I just had to do a normal change and feed for both of them but it's totally different when two babies are crying at you.
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  #16  
Old 09-08-2013, 12:58 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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I do not believe one partners needs should come above others. But in this case I believe the girlfriend needs to take a step back and understand that her wants and needs in regards to her relationship with the OP has to change for quite a while. If she can't then he needs to do the right now.
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  #17  
Old 09-08-2013, 04:44 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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As I said on your other thread, I was a nanny to twins from 3 months til 2 1/2 yrs and it's a crazy amount of work. I do not understand why you can't come to grips with this reality and make your gf understand it too.

Why don't you have her come over and watch the babies while you take your wife out to lunch? Then she might get it. I say lunch not dinner, because if your gf had to watch the kids at the witching hour, she might not be alive when you 2 got back....
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  #18  
Old 09-08-2013, 05:31 PM
Flowerchild Flowerchild is offline
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So...if I'm understanding this correctly...you started dating a new woman, a relationship that's lasted a year....all while you had JUST had kids...and twins, at that....

It sounds like you started dating this new woman at the same time you and your wife were trying for a baby.

My question is, why did you even start a new relationship when you knew you were going to have newborns? Or did you start this relationship with this woman, while planning kids, and then suddenly spring this on her just as she started thinking you wanted a secondary relationship? Certainly, she doesn't seem to understand what it means to date a partner with newborns.

I don't know what you and your wife talked about amongst each other, but you don't seem to be doing poly very well....now you have a girlfriend who feels completely neglected (she sounds like she might be mono, actually) and a wife and kids YOU'RE neglecting.

Sorry, but poly just may not be right for you. It'll hurt the girlfriend to be cut out now, but it'll only hurt more later down the line.....
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  #19  
Old 09-08-2013, 05:56 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Flowerchild View Post
Sorry, but poly just may not be right for you. It'll hurt the girlfriend to be cut out now, but it'll only hurt more later down the line.....
I don't think this is a poly specific issue. This would be the same discussion of the guy was a paintball enthusiast and went out several nights a week to his local field for a game. Then every month or so he wants to go out of town for a weekend game, etc. His friends giving him a hard time, complaining that he needs to find more time to come out to the field... any scenario requiring free-time would be affected the same way.

Kids are free-time killers. Maybe he just didn't realize that when he agreed with his wife that they should have them.

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  #20  
Old 09-08-2013, 06:55 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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There is a huge difference between children and a hobby. Children do not ask to come into the world. The Op and his wife decided to have these little humans.
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